To think that my brother in law's drinking while his wife is pregnant is out of hand?

[dd207]

I've been with my partner for 7 years, we met at uni. We're stable together, just bought a flat and thinking about children in the next 2 years.

My brother in law got married in 2019. He's known to be a heavy drinker (e.g. regularly blacks out a couple weekends a month and does cocaine).

His wife is now 7 months pregnant and he's still going out on benders. The one last week he said he was going for a meal with a friend in Brighton and didn't come home until 5am, and had done cocaine.

His wife was rightly furious, but he's made plans to go out again in a couple of weeks.

I generally stay out of this as it's not my business!

However my partner is in the same big group of mates as his brother. I'm worried that this behaviour might become the 'norm' and my DP might think it's acceptable to treat me this way when we start our family.

Should I be worried?

What does your partner think your brother's behaviour?

Sorry I meant his brother's behaviour?

Surely the ‘wife’ knew this before becoming pregnant? Did she think he was going to stop? You’d hope so but clearly he’s a bit of a non. Not much of a life for her she’ll just be sat at home with their baby whilst he carried on living it up and she posts of here about what a waste of space he is as a partner and dad.

When the most recent bender happened I raised it and he said it wasn't right but was keen to move the subject on.

Maybe he feels bad that he can't control his brothers behaviour

Why should he be expected to control his brother's behaviour? They're adults!

Sounds like he is drinking way too much, but there's nothing you can do, OP.

Don't tar him with the same brush.
If the wife keeps forgiving such behaviour from the brother it will continue, that is her problem to deal with.

I am confused.

The woman is with a man she knows is a big drinker and does cocaine. He has continued to be exactly the same way. Her being pregnant didn't change it as expected.

Bur your concern doesn't seem to be for her so much.

It seems to be that your boyfriend will inexplicably pick up these habits when you get pregnant.

I am thinking your boyfriend already displays some similar behaviour? He is friends with the group that drink heavily and do cocaine? Does he do it to?

And also, his brothers behaviour is nothing to do with him, from your post.

It feels like this post is hinting your dp acts the same as his brother. But not saying it outright. In which case, leave. Any person that promises to quit drinkint/drugs etc when their partner becomes pregnant isn't very unlikey to actually do it.

You're obviously not that stable if you think your partner will suddenly decide going out til 5am and doing drugs is a good thing. That is unless he already drinks/goes out more than you like in which case yes you should be worried.

She married an alcoholic druggie. Nobody to blame but herself. And the most to suffer will be the dc she decided was a good idea. Did she think he would change having one? Deluded fool imo.

DP can only control his own behaviour. If he doesn't, then you can have an opinion.

Well, if your partner does the same, goes out, takes cocaine, gets drunk to the point of blacking out, then you should go into having children with the same level of awareness that your brother’s wife should have. I mean, a man who does this probably isn’t the greatest choice of father, but that’s up to you, you know what the score is with him.

There's nothing you can do except be there to support her if she wants you to.

TBH I'm completely baffled why women think it's a good idea to have a baby with wasters like this. He won't change.

My brother in law was like this when all our children were small. A bit different as it was my husband's sister who was married to the drinker, but I can clearly remember my husband saying to me "you would never in a million years put up with that behaviour from me, you'd throw me out".

Mark your boundaries early on OP, people treat you the way you let them.

Does your DP already drink heavily and do coke? If so, he won't change when you get pregnant.
BIL's wife knew all this about him when she conceived. She was incredibly naive to think he would magically change.

It sounds like there are two issues here:

The first issue is the way your BIL is treating his wife. It's appalling, he's an arsehole. But that is her problem and there is nothing you can do about it. You have to stay out of it.

The second issue is you're afraid that your partner endorses his behaviour and will end up behaving the same way. Does he behave like that now? Talk to him about it - tell him you're appalled. He might agree with you! If he defends his brother, or behaves the same way - he's also an arse.

Well if your dp likes to cane it now, he’ll still expect to continue whatever. If he doesn’t he won’t.
Depends on your dp.

@dd207

When the most recent bender happened I raised it and he said it wasn't right but was keen to move the subject on.

Maybe he feels bad that he can't control his brothers behaviour

He can’t. But he doesn’t have to condone it. By not condemning it he is condoning it and it will skew his norm. Same with any partner who tolerates it. It really sucks that societal change only comes from individual action (there is no blame attached to this statement. I KNOW how hard it is. But that’s what it comes down to).