Perspectives on friendship

[yellowwhiteblack]

Old user, new name

Hi all,

Wanting to get opinions on my current friendship and if you think my way of thinking is unreasonable.

Been friends for over 10 years, been there for each other through lots of ups and downs. Friend very recently has been in a string of abusive/toxic relationships and has gone from one straight into another. The last one the partner was coercive, threats of violence, threatened to hurt themselves if friend left etc. Friend left after a few months and moved straight in with a new partner. And I mean going from old home and moving on the same day into a new one with this person.

New partner is obviously the best thing since sliced bread and as a result we (myself and another friend) have been sidelined. Not overly surprising but a bit annoying all the same.

I offered a few weeks back to help friend out with something and we agreed we would go for a coffee/catch up after as we haven't seen each other for a while. On the day I check to see what time we are meeting only to find out that friend is now taking new partner instead and I am not invited anymore.

I sent (a few weeks back) an event which I thought looked really good - both have same interest. Friend agreed looked really good and sort of left it but with the premise that we would go together. Never heard anything more until yesterday where friend reveals that they are taking new partner and their friends to said even event. I said I would have really liked to have gone and I was met with "didn't think it would be your thing". I accept here that I should have been more explicit and sorted it myself but for whatever reason just didn't.

I've recently been going through quite a tough time at home for personal reasons, which friend knows about, though I am never checked up on by friend, not once have I been asked if I'm even ok, however when they have something going on i would naturally check in and help out if they needed it.

It feels as though friend is so occupied by this new partner that old friends just aren't as important now. I do understand how this can happen, however my experience of it is when you are younger, not middle aged.

I feel as though I want to distance myself a bit as I do feel hurt by this, I just don't know if I'm not looking at it objectively. Neither of us have many friends, it's quite a close circle (of three).

I find myself wondering what this person brings to my life and tbh it's not that much right now, apart from cancelled plans. They in fact said to me a few weeks ago how much they value our friendship as they don't have many people around them and wouldn't ever want to lose "what we have". I just feel like I'm being left to hang until the next break up and they need something again.

Am I being too harsh?

This woman is not your friend, and why you allow all of her nonsense and drama into your life is beyond me. She's a toxic mess. Some friendships aren't built to last and this is one of them.

They don’t sound like much of a friend; dropping you whenever they get a boyfriend

Take a step back and let her do the running to contact you for a while

One sided friendship that suits her when she needs support or company springs to mind. You are going out of your way to accommodate and do thoughtful things for her. She's suiting herself now she has a new partner and doesn't need you...at the moment.

Leave this one in her dysfunctional pond and find one with cleaner water. You deserve better

Also I suspect you need to improve your boundaries. Did you get upset and let her know she'd let you down when she blew you out repeatedly? If you let her get away with bad behaviour she will think it's okay to treat you like that. Some people equate kindness (people pleasing) with weakness. It's a lesson I have learnt repeatedly over the years until I improved my self esteem and boundaries.

Thanks everyone, this is sort of what I suspected.

Yes I have raised that I am upset. Friend also got pissy with me when I wouldn't say how great their new partner was, even though I had never met them.

Also going away for my birthday this year as it's a big one - I told friends this LAST September, with dates to book off etc. surprise surprise this friend said they would come 100% and at the time of booking then decided they hadn't got enough money. (After spending over a grand on new partner for Xmas). I am aware that this could sound like entitlement on my part and it's not the end of the world. I guess I just prefer to keep to my word and I would want to be there with my friend.

It all feels very ridiculous and even now I look back at that baffled. They do seem to like drama and I am the complete opposite. If I had drama once a year it would be once too often.

I do think it's reached the end of the road for me.

No, you’re not being harsh and should definitely distance yourself. Could be that she is preoccupied with new boyfriend (which can happen at any age if the person lacks self awareness,my bestie had a friend who would drop her every time she got a new boyfriend and we’re in our 50s).

I think not inviting you to the event and going with her new boyfriends mates was mean. And to brush you off with ‘didn’t think it’d be your thing’ is unkind.

Could you plan more get togethers with the other mutual friend?

It’s never wise to completely neglect your long standing friends when a new relationship comes along but you can’t change people. I hope you have other friends and family you can depend on for support.

It does sound like she's very insecure and needs constant companionship from men, even the wrong ones. It can happen at any age. She needs to work on herself as a single person but she needs to figure that out for herself as she no doubt won't listen to anyone else. I'd take a step back and you can be honest if she asks you why

She sounds like a self obsessed nightmare tbh. You have right to be upset about your birthday trip. Its not 'entitled" to expect a friend to be reliable.

Perhaps join some groups for your interests and see if you can find more like minded friends who reciprocate your kindness and thoughtfulness. Anyone should be glad to have you as a friend. You haven't found your tribe yet

You are not her social worker to be accessed in times of crisis!

Bye bye friend. She's a user. She was never your friend.

Youve been given an escape route by this so called friend, take it whilst you can!

Definitely time to let her go, and don't go rushing gladly back when she is in need of support. It is a real shame when long term friendships fail, but it is not you at fault here.

You need to start building other friendships. Make the effort to arrange stuff and go places with the other friend from the group of three, not just to strengthen that friendship, but to be out meeting lots of people. It is always easier to make new friends when they can see you already have old friends.

@Dacquoise

She sounds like a self obsessed nightmare tbh. You have right to be upset about your birthday trip. Its not 'entitled" to expect a friend to be reliable.

Perhaps join some groups for your interests and see if you can find more like minded friends who reciprocate your kindness and thoughtfulness. Anyone should be glad to have you as a friend. You haven't found your tribe yet

You are not her social worker to be accessed in times of crisis!

Absolutely this!!

Thank you everyone.
I do feel totally fine at the thought of it just fizzling out, so I think that speaks volumes

Ah, I attract friends like this too. The type who want everything on their terms, but the can be as flakey as they like and if you try to raise anything they get angry and defensive. The only solution has been to walk away. I don't want that in my life anymore. I have more acquaintances than friends now but this is ok for me at the mo as I establish my own boundaries.