Toddler tantrums and MIL

[CarryonYoghurt]

My MIL means no harm, at all. However, she is a little interfering and controlling. I just let this go over my head, because she does have boundaries for the most part, which is hugely appreciated! 😁

However, yesterday we were visiting her, and my 20 month old DD started to have a tantrum and started to scream and kick me. I said firmly to DD "Now now, stop this screaming, there is no need.
Do not kick mummy." MIL was beside me saying "No no, she's a good girl, leave her alone". My response was that she's not a good girl when she is screaming and kicking me, to which MIL responded that she is a good girl, and I should leave her alone and let her play.

I know this is such a non-issue (for now, as DD is young), but should I be worried that I won't be able to discipline my child around her in the future? I'm already afraid to because I know MIL will interfere and tell me that DD is a perfect little ,angel and I'm just being horrible to her 🤣 it's sweet that she loves DD so much ❤ but I'm already anxious, because I feel like we're probably going to row over this, and I really want to avoid that!!

What should I do?

Tell MIL to butt out. You're the mother, not her.

To be honest, I would say 'ok but I am going to walk away now.' Leave DD with MIL to let her try her way.

Tantrumming toddlers are completely irrational and in my experience, there is very little that you can do other than a) try to diffuse and b) walk away to breathe.

Children kicking adults is unacceptable, whatever their age. And the only way that your DD will learn that is if you respond as you are doing.

Ask your MIL how she'd feel if DD is kicking her or other family members when she's six? Does she want her to be successful in school? Does she want her to have friends, or does she want other kids to dislike her because of her temper?

Tell her that it's your role to ensure that she behaves in an acceptable way as she develops, and if MIL doesn't like seeing her being told off, then she needs to take herself away from the situation.

Although it would depend on what the tantrum was about?

‘I know you mean well MIL and really love DD, but you’re really not doing her any favours by telling her she’s being good when she’s not. It’s also confusing for her to get two totally contrary messages at once. We don’t want DD to get confused, do we, so let’s agree that in future I’ll keep doing the discipline, while you get to be fun granny. Then she can blame me for spoiling her fun and not you’.

Said with rock-solid confidence in the tone of someone stating a settled fact. And briskly move on.

My own mother is EXACTLY the same as what you have described with my DC. You'd think being my mum I should be able to say something but she goes over my head, discredits my disciplines and undermines me constantly. I have nearly cut contact many times, we have argued and at the end of the day I only put up with it because I know how much she loves them.
That said it will forever remain an issue between us and i wish she would understand i am the parent and make the rules (and I'm not harsh, just not trying to raise brats!) I would try to nip it in the bud now before you end up like me! Ironic I know but I wish someone had told me the same years ago! 🙂

I think you need to sit down with mil at a time when dd is behaving or not with you. Explain that her response to the incident made you feel like you could not parent your child around her. Tell her that when your child becomes physical you will be telling her off because that is not acceptable behaviour to you. Point out that if she does not like your response please can she leave the room whilst you talk to dd about her behaviour without her. So this at a time there are no issues going on, so you can mention it calmly without getting stressed by mil on top of dd's behaviour.

I had this. I told her "MIL, I love you, but do not parent over the top of me"

"MIL, do not interfere with my parenting. I am the mother. If you cannot respect that we will leave and see you when you are able to respect this"

Repeat as necessary. Eventually she got it. I'm pretty easy going but there are some things I will not budge on and that was one of them. Esp did not want my daughter doing something I didn't agree with at 15yo and hearing "well grandma says its fine. I'm going to stay with her".

You need serious boundaries, your dd is getting very mixed messages.

MIL here.
I really don’t understand why this ever happens. Your child, your rules.
Probably MIL’s trying to be helpful and hasn’t realised that their grandchildren will be parented differently to how they parented their own children.
Assume good intentions, thank MIL for their ‘help’ but explain how you feel about things and how you are going to approach them. Tell MIL you’d appreciate their support. Be a little patient, a few reminders may be required but hopefully MIL will come to understand.
If MIL ultimately fails to fall in line ask hubby to have a word.