To ask if this is normal

[elephantmarchingin]

DS is 2 years 9months his behaviour is erratic but on the whole he is a good boy!

For the last 10 months or so he has not slept a full night and over the last 6 weeks he is waking every few hours. He doesn't want to be in bed with us but he does want someone in his room with him.

He also now has a complex about getting ready for bed and will have a major meltdown about putting pjs on/going upstairs.

We've tried going to bed later, going to bed earlier, leaving a light on, turning the light off, getting a softer light, putting him in thicker pjs, putting him in lighter pjs, giving him a duvet, giving him a blanket nothing has worked.

He is so tired during the day but won't nap/if he does it's about 40 mins tops we are so tired and thought we'd be over this by now.

Recently he's having meltdowns if I go into him rather than DH (no idea why I've not shouted or done anything differently) but if he doesn't get who he wants/what he wants he will head but the door, floor or wall and is covered in bruises.

Is this normal? Does anyone else have this? We don't even know who to speak to. The HV at his 2 year review said it was just a phase and nothing they could advise but this is so draining.

FWIW he also head buts for a tantrum during the day and hates getting changed whenever. His speech seems ok and we do multiple activities with him during the day. He eats and drinks fine and is potty trained (still has a nappy at night though). He doesn't go to nursery or anything like that.

Please help!

Hopeful bump

Sounds like early autism, exactly the same symptoms that I would see in a nursery

Hmmm he is very social and responds to his name and social cues - he strings sentences together as well

Can you look at the types of activities you do in the day, could he be overstimulated and need sensory breaks eg, no white noise, unplug devices, TV etc, cut down on strong smells, tastes he may not be able to process, try a minimalist approach if possible with toys and 'things' around, dress in natural fibres for bed, remove labels, stick to one routine for 2 weeks at least without changing. My DS was horrific as a baby, now I realise there was too much going on and he picked up on stress!

Regarding the head banging - apparently, I used to do this as a very young child. My poor parents and grandparents were beside themselves with worry! I was referred to a peadiatrician who said there was nothing 'wrong' with me, I was very intelligent but felt frustrated as I wasn't able to fully communicate. I grew out of it, I am well educated and totally fine. It could be frustration on his part.

Have you tried leaving some music/radio on low? My son is 8 now and still has classic FM on every night, all night I think he didn't like silence as a baby/toddler or didn't like the night time noises he could hear e.g. pipes cooling and making a noise.

It could well simply be a phase he will grow out of.

Our Mama Village (I know) on IG has so many toddler/small child sleep resources. I find her really helpful, loads of stuff on helping them with separation over night and bedtime struggles.

I was like this (apparently!) from about age 2.5 until I begun school. Fear of missing out.
I can’t offer any suggestions as one of my four children was very much like this too. The frustration and lack of sleep was soul destroying. I hope someone can come along and offer some constructive advice for you to work with. I just wanted to reassure you that it may not be autism like a post suggested.

Thanks all. I don't have any mum friends so I'm a bit on my own when it comes to this!

I think I am just so tired which makes doing active stuff during the day hard!

Dd goes through similar phases even now at 8. It is hard.

Unfortunately I think she has inherited my sleep issues.

When she is bad I play soothing lullabies via her alexa or my dad's rehearsal cd quietly in her room.

Overstimulation is the other likely cause. What is his daily routine like normally?

You say we do multiple activities with him during the day but then I think I am just so tired which makes doing active stuff during the day hard

What do you mean by that? are you busy? Is he just overestimated during the day or bored?

Young kids can just be wee buggers just for the fun of it, next week can be a completely dif child.

@elephantmarchingin

Hmmm he is very social and responds to his name and social cues - he strings sentences together as well

My DS did all those things. He’s still autistic.

He used to head bang when he was frustrated.

Also, I kept myself to myself with my 3rd/4th babies(twins), I couldn't be arsed!! but I did allow myself to be forced into groups with the older two and made mum friends that way, do you go to toddler groups?

No judgement if not, I'd rather chop off both legs than go to one

We had similar and employed the services of a sleep consultant. She recommended a VERY regular bedtime routine, absolutely no deviations. Also don’t be afraid to put him down early - he must be tired with such disrupted sleep.

To replace nap time, she also recommended independent play (“haha” I thought, at the time). We did this after lunch and made a big deal of it, allowed DC to decorate their own special box for play time, put some nice things in it, started with 5 minutes of independent play time and increased slowly from there until they were doing an hour 😳 This downtime is restorative and the next best thing to a nap as they’re in their own world for a bit and can zone out from external stimulation which can be very tiring.

Beyond that, big sympathies - this kind of behaviour almost pushed me beyond my limit ❤️

pick a bedtime routine and make a visual storyboard so your child understands the routine. Show every detail of the routine on the story board.

Then stick to it - really stick to it - for 2 or 3 weeks. Changing things will only confuse your child and mess it up.

Be chatty and positive in the day time with plenty of cuddles and engagement. but be dull and robotic after 'lights out' time. no chatter or eye contact so that you don't stimulate your DS to stay awake.

I know my son is now adult, but the head butt thing really stood out in this thread. My son was 16 when there was any first mention of anything autistic. He was bright (went to grammar school), very articulate and advanced in his language skills (still is....he can tell me to f**k off in about 16 languages). Same sort of situation as you as I had few Mum friends. He went into meltdown at certain noises (putting cutlery in drawer, next doors lawnmower) and slept appallingly from the day after an eye operation at 10 months old. I put his distress down to the op, but I think (now) that was coincidental.
Try and get some sort of official 'diagnosis' if you can. Despite what can be thought, applying a label can help. And it means you don't automatically class yourself as a bad Mother (as I did, and do).

@TheCanyon normally we play outside for a it/go for a walk dependent on weather etc
Do some craft time
Do some dancing time
Play some games

In terms of the head butting it normally begins if we say 'no'. Interestingly if grandparents say no he does not do this only with us. During the night again it's only if I go in if DH or anyone else goes in he's fine.

We have a loose routine but will try and implement a better stricter one and see what happens

Wouldn't it help both of you to get out and be with other kids more? Maybe start with story time at the library if toddler group is too scary? Or a music group where there's a structure without having to be too chatty?