To think my mom dismisses my feelings (sorry it's long)

[LonelyInAutumn]

So, a couple of years ago I experienced something very traumatic and because of it, I became extremely depressed (experienced suicidal thoughts etc). I felt like my mother was supportive to an extent but it also felt like she made it about her a lot e.g if I'd cry she'd say things like "I hate when you're upset because it makes me stressed" or "your depression is creating such a negative energy in the house, it makes me not want to come home, this is why I stay out so late". So because of this, I just started to stay in my room all the time.

Fast forward to this morning, we were talking about my maintenance loan for uni and I said "I can't believe I'm already going into the final year of uni" and she replied, "it's about time". She says this every single time and I asked her if she could stop saying it each time as it upsets me (makes me feel like I should have figured it all out fresh out of school or that I'm too old) and she replied "I don't say it every single time and I say it because you don't understand the impact (me taking a while to decide what career I want) it's had on me (financially)". Fair enough, that's understandable.

I've mentioned in a previous thread about my housekeeping arrangement and the chores I do, I pay £300 per month, I do the majority of the cooking, hoover, dust and mop . My mom has told me she doesn't use that money I pay and that she puts it to one side because "it's my money so I decide what I do with it", that's reasonable. But then she went on to say how what I pay isn't enough and how it doesn't cover the rent, so I suggested that if it's so difficult, why not use some of the housekeeping that I've been paying over the last 3 years and then came the "it's my money comment" again. She proceeded to say how I'm selfish and how it's stressful running a home etc but I still felt like my feelings were dismissed so I couldn't really cope with the argument.

Side note: I am looking for a part-time job so I can pay more, I'm meant to be paying £450

I get where she's coming from but I felt like she didn't even acknowledge what I said in the beginning.

AIBU to think my feelings have not been acknowledged?

Move out if you can. Your feelings aren't going to get acknowledged. You mum isn't in a place to provide the support you need emotionally. A bit of distance will do you some good. Share your feelings with other more supportive people.

Q: How are you going into your final year of uni when it's March right now? Do you mean you will be starting final year in September?
The reason I ask is that if so, you've got time to organise other accommodation.
Q: what is your Mum's financial position? Has she lost benefits by the fact of you being there ? How are the figures of £300 and £450 calculated? As the parent of adults still living at home, I reckon £250 covers bills/groceries contributions, but not a rent element.
Q: Is your Mum someone who just likes to have a moan?If you are paying regularly but she chooses not to spend it ( is she intending to save it for you?)I wonder if her comments are just because she likes a grumble, almost a way of making conversation rather than actually meaningful.
Anyway, the bottom line is that if you don't like it, move out.

It is natural for young adults to need yet sometimes fear being independent, and you may be a sensitive soul who takes things more personally. I've found that Covid etc has made lots of people's worlds smaller than they should be, so that it makes home life loom larger than might otherwise be the case, and more difficult to shrug off what might be construed as passing comment.

@DelphiniumBlue yes final year in September. Financially, I'm not sure but I know she makes above min wage and is self-employed. Also, not sure how the figures are calculated but she says that I should be paying at least half of the cost of the bills. As far as I know, she will not be gifting that money back to me, she keeps it in her savings. Anyway, I don't care about the money side of things, I'm just upset about how I feel like my feelings seem to always be invalidated, I just included the rent part bc of the conversation we had today.

Hmm, the more you say, the more I think that she is someone who likes to moan, and is not thinking about your feelings before she speaks.
It's quite odd that specific figures have mentioned but you don't know how they have been calculated. Is that because you haven't asked, or is she not being upfront with you?
Anyway, £300 should cover half the bills, maybe ask her to clarify? The fact that she saves the money you give is irrelevant, you either pay a contribution or you don't.
My question about her income was because if she struggles to make ends meet, then maybe she has legitimate concerns, particularly if she is paying more rent than she needs to in order to house you. But the fact that she is putting your contributions into savings suggests that she is reasonably comfortable. I can only say that most loving parents want to support their DC while they are studying, and not make a profit out of them, but not everyone is in a financial position to do so. Is your Dad in the picture?

@DelphiniumBlue completely get where you sre coming from. I just feel like whenever I feel down about certain things, the financial argument is brought up. Also, no. Dad is not in the picture, I had to go no contact :(

Many universities have it so you can move into halls in final year. Speak to your uni counsellor and the accommodation office today! Get out of there. Ask for emergency housing if you need to.
She sounds utterly toxic. She is a grown woman who should know not tos peak with her child in such a way, continually. She sounds bitter and awful.
My mother can be like this and I see her once every couple of years as that's enough.

Just come down stairs to see that she's taken all the childhood photos of me down and said that I made her cry. Not sure if she's trying to guilt trip me :(

Ooh, that is harsh, and certainly she is trying to make a point. It really does sound like you would be happier living somewhere else. She is clearly not happy either, sounds as if she is struggling with her emotions, too much so to be able to think about yours, sadly.
It must be hard as you are not getting support from dad either, and you are still quite young. Do you have anyone else in your life who can give you a bit of moral support?

Meanwhile, as Alonelonelylonersbadidea said, contact the accommodation at your Uni to see if they can help with housing suggestions. Halls may be a possibility, or maybe a room in a house share with other students, which is often cheaper. I know when my DS1 went to Uni, they held a few events where students could meet other people looking for a house share, and there's often some sort of noticeboard.
If you can find work in the meantime, so much the better. I am sorry you are having to struggle without family support.

Time to move out. She might be struggling financially with you there and you don't sound happy. Time to be on your own. I left home at 17 it was hard at first but then the best thing ever.