Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell this mum not to give lifts to DS?

24 replies

RishiRich · 17/03/2022 14:52

DS goes to secondary school (year 7) within about 20 minutes' walking distance. Normally he goes to a club after school on Wednesdays and I pick him up, but for some reason he decided not to go yesterday. He left school with 4 friends. One of these friends isn't allowed to walk to or from school so his mum picks him up. As it was raining, she offered them all a lift but there were 5 kids and only 4 seats. DS said that because he's the smallest, they made him 'hide under the pile of coats because friend's mum didn't want any more points on her license'.

Obviously I've told him it's not safe to ride in a car with no seatbelt and not to do it again. He knows it was stupid but it was raining hard and he didn't want to make a fuss.

I know this friend's mum to speak to in passing and have her number. WIBU to text her saying not to give DS a lift again?

OP posts:
HereComesTheSum · 17/03/2022 14:54

No just leave it, tell DS not to go next time if this happens again but don't start on the mum. Can of worms.

Wondergirl100 · 17/03/2022 14:56

I would not give this any more thought. Your son is old enough to say no thanks to a lift. Tell him not to do it again. I wouldn't get worked up about an 11 year old doing a short car journey like that but I appreciate everyone is different.

Not worth falling out with the mum over.

jytdtysrht · 17/03/2022 14:56

No yabu - your ds needs to be able to make his own safety assessment and act accordingly. Use it as a lesson. No good contacting this mum as the next unsafe proposition will likely come from a different person.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 17/03/2022 15:00

I disagree with everyone on here. I have 14 yo Dd and while I’d be clear with her that it’s not to happen again, expecting a dc agreed 13/14 to make a good choice is unreasonable and I’d be messaging the mum to say “please don’t transport my dc in your car when there are not enough seats available”. The driver of the car is responsible legally so why everyone here blames the child is beyond me.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 17/03/2022 15:01

I also would be happy to fall out with a mum who put my child in danger.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 17/03/2022 15:02

Sorry Year 7 so 11/12. Definitely not old enough to go against an adult.

jytdtysrht · 17/03/2022 15:02

Because the child is out on his own and therefore must be able to look after his own safety. Otherwise should not be alone.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/03/2022 15:03

@NeedAHoliday2021

Sorry Year 7 so 11/12. Definitely not old enough to go against an adult.
Oooh I Would absolutely think they are. That's the more important thing for him to learn here imo. A 12 yr old should be able to say to an adult 'no thank you, I'll walk.'
Original poster
RishiRich · 17/03/2022 15:05

I was annoyed with DS for getting in the car but he's only 12, his friends were all piling in to get out of the rain and I can see why didn't want to say no. Surely the adult driver needs to take some responsibility not to put a child in that position.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 17/03/2022 15:07

Absolutely she should op. And it is entirely her fault. But she's clearly a dick so the point posters are making is that there will be no point going to her about it, rather help your ds to say no in situations like this.

SheldonsStainedSpot · 17/03/2022 15:09

If he’s not old enough to say no to an adult wanting him to get in their car, he’s not old enough to walk to and from school alone.

Original poster
RishiRich · 17/03/2022 15:09

Good point. Some role plays of what to do in situations like this might be in order.

OP posts:
UsernameIsNotAvailableRightNow · 17/03/2022 15:10

They're both to blame and I'd absolutely be messaging the mum and letting her know I'm not happy about it but I'd also be talking to my son about what to say no to.

2bazookas · 17/03/2022 15:14

I'd tell the other mother she is absolutely forbidden ever to transport my son again (regardless of passenger numbers).

She is willing to break the law on the road, and risk the life and safety of other peoples children. Who knows why she has points on her license; speeding, dangerous driving.

Maddiemoosmum0203 · 17/03/2022 15:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

sillysmiles · 17/03/2022 15:39

his friends were all piling in to get out of the rain and I can see why didn't want to say no.
I can also see why she didn't want to leave one lad on his own in the rain.

lanthanum · 17/03/2022 15:43

The problem is that if she says "I can take four of you", then four pile in and someone is left walking home on their own (and if you've told your son never to accept a lift from her, it will be him).

I might go for:
"Thanks for offering DS a lift the other day, he was glad not to be drenched. However it put him in an awkward position; he knew he shouldn't accept a lift unless he's properly seat-belted, but he also knew I wouldn't want him walking home alone. I realise you probably offered before you realised they wouldn't all fit, but another time, please could you only offer if you can take them all."

If you're going to focus on getting DS to refuse the lift, make sure at least one of the other mums is doing the same. It will be easier for them to say no if they're not the only one, and they'll have someone to walk home with.

cherryonthecakes · 17/03/2022 15:45

I can see why he wanted a lift and she tried to take all the boys home but it was up to your son to decline imo. He is old enough to say "thanks but no" to another person.
Wouldn't you expect him to say that if one of the boys produced something like a vape or cigarette ?

Original poster
RishiRich · 17/03/2022 15:46

The sensible thing to have done would have been for her to take her own DS and the two DC who live on their road, and let my DS and the lad who lives a few doors down from us walk. It's only rain and they were going home for the evening and could get dry straight away.

OP posts:
MaudieandMe · 17/03/2022 16:15

As it was raining, she offered them all a lift but there were 5 kids and only 4 seats. DS said that because he's the smallest, they made him 'hide under the pile of coats because friend's mum didn't want any more points on her license'.

Feck sake, stop blaming the 12 year old CHILD!

If the mum already has points on her licence, then she’s clearly already made some bad decisions whilst in charge of a lethal weapon.

Yes, you absolutely do need to take this further. I’d be reporting her to the Police for starters.

As a pedestrian who was hit by a school mum driving her kids to school, (loads of witnesses as it was 100 metres from the school entrance) I was shocked when the woman refused to plead guilty and it went to court. She was found guilty of careless driving but her attitude was astonishing. She made every excuse under the sun to the Judge, (even crying hysterically about a miscarriage that had happened years before!) because she didn’t want to lose her licence. She couldn’t have cared less about my injuries or the trauma my son and I suffered.

Unfortunately, there are too many drivers like that mum on the roads and many of them will be responsible for causing death and serious injury to others, because of their poor judgement.

cherryonthecakes · 17/03/2022 16:26

@RishiRich

The sensible thing to have done would have been for her to take her own DS and the two DC who live on their road, and let my DS and the lad who lives a few doors down from us walk. It's only rain and they were going home for the evening and could get dry straight away.
If it was dark then taking all the boys except one might have been a bad call too because then you'd have just one boy walking home when 5 is safer. If 2 boys live in one direction and 3 in the other it would make sense to take one group of them back.

Note convinced that my child should get in the car with someone with lots of motoring offences. I've not checked when people have given my kids lifts but I'd know that this mum was to be avoided for this next time.

Freddiefox · 17/03/2022 16:44

Absolutely the drivers fault, it’s her car and her responsibility to make sure her passengers are safe.

I wouldn’t be texting her, but I would tell ds not to get in the car.

I also don’t think he’s to blame. He’s only 12

Hankunamatata · 17/03/2022 16:48

I would be texting her to ask if it's true that ds said she gave him a lift without him having a seat or seatbelt as that's so unsafe and see what she replies. Even if she lies it's a warning shot so to speak

Original poster
RishiRich · 17/03/2022 18:35

I checked with DS' friends when I collected DS this evening and they said that he was strapped in but sharing a seatbelt with another child Confused He knows he's not allowed to get a lift with this parent again and his friends' parents have said to their kids that they all walk next time there isn't space.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page