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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sibling being manipulative? AIBU?

27 replies

chatterbug22 · 17/03/2022 13:58

Me and OH have reserved our first home together - exciting!

My sister has asked to meet to discuss ‘my house application’.

That was all the text said. Instantly weirded me out, cos we are not that close and havent seen each other in probs over 2 months now. She looks down on housing associations and thinks they are not good places to be / not aspirational. She and I have different values in life- she will not donate to charity because it is all taxed yet I will give all the spare change in my purse. I’m not saying either is right or wrong but hurts me that we are so unalike.

I asked her why she wanted to meet, and said I found it a little unusual that that would be her only response rather than asking the normal caring questions like if I have any photos, or when we are going to view.

She has accused me of looking for trouble, seeing the worst in her when she only wants to get on with me and has gone to my parents in floods of tears. She has also said if I don’t want to meet this weekend to discuss my house (I am not able to due to working both days) she will need to rethink my role at her wedding later this year 😵!!

I often feel she guilt trips me and some things seem like gaslighting. We don’t have any other siblings and she’s six years older. Sometimes I do take a step back for my own well-being because for the entirety of the Christmas period, she spent subtly pulling me down and making a spectacle of me for having a limited diet and over exaggerating how well they’d catered for it. She interrogates my OH over his job and will very indirectly make him feel unwelcome, but it’s never done in the earshot of my parents. He works for the emergency services and has a respectable position but he used to live in another country whilst growing up, so she disapproves of the fact he doesn’t have normal qualifications or went to uni.

We went on holiday with our parents in the UK and all she did was talk about herself, what they were up to - so much so my dad would try to steer the conversation back to include me and DP.

She has nothing to be jealous of at all: successful job, big house, all the things to look forward to. I want to be there for her every step of the way but don’t feel able to because she will pick apart my life and then play the victim when I politely point it out. I have no idea why she is like this and my parents seem unable to see it and think I just want nothing to do with her, which I find hard to deal with. I would love to get on with her.

Am I being unreasonable in any of this? Honesty welcomed.

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 17/03/2022 14:02

YADNBU OP she sounds like my Narcissistic sister imho , good luck wth that they only get worse as they age Hmm

Movingonup22 · 17/03/2022 14:04

ugh. Annoying older sister. She can fuck off.

EdithRea · 17/03/2022 14:06

Don't tell her about the house. She'll only bring you down and make it all about her.

Grey rock. If you don't want to cut her off just answer all her boring questions with "don't know" and ignore her. She doesn't sound like a particularly nice person and you don't have to talk to her or spend time with her.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 17/03/2022 14:08

Maybe be too busy decorating the house to attend the wedding. She sounds very melodramatic..

TabithaTittlemouse · 17/03/2022 14:10

Until you speak to her about her text it’s all just assumptions.
Call, say I can’t make this weekend. What did you want to talk about.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 17/03/2022 14:13

My sibling (who I’m close to) has never provided an opinion on my home and I’ve not provided one on his. I’ve never asked him for one.

Loopytiles · 17/03/2022 14:17

Your and your H’s housing, food and job choices are none of her business.

If she boots you off your wedding role that’s fine.

Wouldn’t holiday with her again!

Loopytiles · 17/03/2022 14:18

Also, unrealistic to seek to ‘be there for her every step of the way’ given her behaviour.

Sparklesocks · 17/03/2022 14:28

She sounds like a child.

Padamae · 17/03/2022 14:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/03/2022 14:40

She’s treating you like this simply because she can. She expects you to be at her beck and call because she knows you want to get on with her. She otoh just wants to make herself feel better by putting you down. My brother is exactly the same. The only thing you can do is back right away from her.

By the sound of it she was not prepared at all by your parents to accept a younger sibling. I expect if you look a little further, you will see things your parents do or say to encourage this sibling rivalry. There are so many in mine. Pretending this rivalry doesn’t exist and / or blaming you for not being close to your sister is just one of those things.

You may be being gaslit.

My brother is also a master of sly digs. He also doesn’t care where or when he does it. Including at a family funeral, where he said something horrible to dh about me when there were just the 3 of us. Dh is foreign and he didn’t really get what he said as it was such a fast quip then he walked off. How the hell is it possible to compete against that level of nastiness?!

Mrscaptainraymondholt · 17/03/2022 14:55

i'd just reply to the comment about the wedding with 'okay' and leave it at that

Original poster
chatterbug22 · 17/03/2022 14:58

Thanks all. Really do appreciate. I find it hardest I think to justify it to my parents, not that I need to, but I feel as if I have to.

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 17/03/2022 15:00

God she sounds awful. Why does she need to "discuss" your house with you? Sounds like you'll have a lucky escape if she boots you out of the wedding!!

Philisophigal · 17/03/2022 15:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

diddl · 17/03/2022 15:08

I think her request was odd & your reply also.

Why not just say that there was no need to discuss your "housing application"?

FrenchBoule · 17/03/2022 15:15

OP, look up DARVO.

Arguing with your sister is like wrestling with the pig in mud. You’ll both get dirty and the pig enjoys it.

Grey rock your sister where you can’t avoid her. Your emotions are not less important than everybody else’s.

Congrats on the new house 🙂

FrenchBoule · 17/03/2022 15:16

Oh and you’re an adult and can make your own choices. If somebody doesn’t like it then tough. You don’t need to discuss it with anybody.

purplecorkheart · 17/03/2022 15:21

I wonder was her text just poorly worded, It seems a very odd responce otherwise even given her past behaviour.

Shortpoet · 17/03/2022 15:27

What the hell is in it for you to be her bridesmaid.

Run screaming from that shitshow and the mindfuckery and ugly dress she chooses for you.

Original poster
chatterbug22 · 17/03/2022 15:34

@FrenchBoule that is interesting. I will research. Thank you

OP posts:
incognitoforthisone · 17/03/2022 15:44

So did she literally just say 'Can we meet to discuss your house application?' or was there more to it than that? I can imagine someone who was just a bit crap with words saying 'discuss your house application' when what they meant was 'come round so you can tell me all about the new place and show me some pics'. Was there any more context to it? And is that her usual style of communication or can she be chatty and normal when it suits her?

Either way - even if that one thing could have been a misunderstanding, it sounds like your relationship is a tricky one and that you have very little in common. I'd definitely struggle to get on with my siblings if they had some of the attitudes your sister has about money, housing, qualifications etc.

I would say, though, that for siblings who aren't close it sounds like you actually have quite a lot of contact. My sister and I get on well in general but we rarely message each other and will go for months without seeing each other without a second though - and we'd certainly never go on a family holiday together. I definitely don't think we'd be each other's bridesmaids any more if either of us got married (I was actually a bridesmaid at her first wedding, but I was only a child at the time). Maybe you and your sister both have expectations about what a sisterly relationship is supposed to be like, but it's just not one that actually works for you as a pair?

Aquamarine1029 · 17/03/2022 15:52

She has accused me of looking for trouble, seeing the worst in her when she only wants to get on with me and has gone to my parents in floods of tears.

Floods of tears. For fuck's sake, I hope you aren't falling for that manipulative bullshit. Your sister is a twat, and it's high time you enforced boundaries with her. It's unfortunate that you will never be friends with her, but that's just the way it is. Cut her off, she's insufferable.

CantGetDecentNickname · 17/03/2022 16:08

If you are working both days at the weekend then you can't meet up with her, no matter how much she cries about it. I'd just call her (she can't ignore a call so easily especially if she is at your parent's house) saying that you are working so you cannot meet up and what was it she wanted to talk about beyond saying "Congratulations" to you? Fine if she has some sensible wisdom to impart but going on the rest of your comments, I doubt this.

I'd recommend saying that you have no wish to be her bridesmaid and would be happy to enjoy the wedding as a normal guest. Suggest doing this upfront before she has a chance to "rethink" things and try to hold it over you as a threat. I really would avoid going there as it sounds as though there will be lots of drama over the wedding and you'd be better off out of it. I'd give up trying to be close to her as this is something you would both have to want and make an effort for and it seems she prefers drama and controlling people. Please take a deep breath and just let it/her go. Always be polite / civil but don't give any information away to her as it could be used against you (see grey rock for this).

Good luck OP.

Original poster
chatterbug22 · 17/03/2022 16:14

@incognitoforthisone thank you - interesting insight to both sides and balanced x

OP posts:
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