2nd pregnancy - feel physically sick at the thought of another child.

[Box1806]

You may have read a couple of posts of mine, about going for an abortion. i first went to the clinic at 7 weeks and couldn’t go through with it. i then went another 3 times, each time leaving without having treatment.

this is my second baby. First is 2 next month. i was sooo excited with him. all I feel this time around is dread. i had PND/A after my son and I still don’t recognise myself. all that I loved prior to motherhood is gone. The happy carefree person is gone, what’s left is an overly anxious miserable mum, who loves the bones of her son but it’s come at a huge price and that’s been my mental health. I’m so protective of him, I worry about him all the time. His future and happiness. It’s tiring and I’m exhausted. I just want to be me/us as a family of 3 again. Happy.

this baby was wanted, just not now. friends keeping telling me “you’ll love them once they’re here” but I really feel like none of this is what I want. I’m 11 weeks. Trapped and feeling pretty crappy about life.

Anyone else been in this position? any positive experiences?

I was really unsure and panicking with DS1. Family were pressuring me into termination. I went to the clinic 6 times and left - once literally after changing into a surgical gown.

I talked to a counsellor there and she said from her experience the women who want an abortion are straightforward, they're clear, they get it done. The ones who aren't sure usually aren't sure for a reason.

Ultimately that was true for me. How would you feel if abortion wasn't an option and you just had to go through with it - relieved the choice was taken out of your hands, or more scared and regretful? (I would have been relieved if it hadn't been an option)

Do you have a partner? Can you talk to them? If you're sure you're continuing with the pregnancy, can you get some little baby accessories to get excited?

Have you spoken with your GP about this very severe anxiety? Even at this stage of pregnancy you can have medication (which you definitely sound as if you need). You can’t make a clear decision while you are in a state of panic.

When you said this was a planned pregnancy my heart really went out to you. Get support from every and any possible source- it does exist. Obviously having a termination is still an option but it doesn’t sound as if it’s what you really want.

If and when you start maternity care ask for an urgent referral to peri natal mental health midwife/ team.

Best wishes.

@georgarina that’s the thing, clearly abortion wasn’t an option because I couldn’t do it. But I’ve thought about miscarrying so I didn’t have to make that decision. I’m totally pro choice but my own feelings towards this are really mixed. My biggest fear and that’s why I haven’t had the termination is for the fear of regret. that’s the only reason. I see no positives to this pregnancy only in that it gives my son a sibling and I always wanted that. Just now right now. i had IVF for my son, never in a million years did I think I could ever feel this way about a pregnancy. I have support I’m in a very long term relationship and he’s supportive. but in agreement that it isn’t the best time.

@MatildaTheCat I’ve spoken with counsellors at the clinic and I spoke to my midwife yesterday who signposted me to a support group which I’ve contacted. i just don’t know how I’ll ever not feel this way. how can I force myself to want something I so clearly don’t. I’m petrified. That the mum I am now, the small bit of me that’s left will disappear and my son will be left with a really crappy mum who wasn’t brave enough to do the right thing. I’ve never felt so desperate and depressed in my life and I hate myself for feeling this way.

I will very gently repeat my question about getting support from your GP? CBT and medication and appropriate therapy could be transformative.

Not being able to see any way forward is a symptom of your condition.

I’m a retired midwife and you aren’t alone. On a personal level one of my closest friends had a similar situation to yours and her second pregnancy/ postnatal periods were far better because of the support she got. She did still get very depressed for a period of time but she went on to have a really really happy family life and now has four gorgeous grandchildren.

Once again very best wishes. You are unwell.

@MatildaTheCat I’ve spoken to the GP and the midwife referred me to perinatal mental health team who said that because I wasn’t a danger to myself or my son my referral was rejected.

I’m keeping this pregnancy and I’m hoping I’ll grow to enjoy it because I can’t bring myself to go through with an abortion. i loved my life before being pregnant. I was happy and content and my son is just perfect.

I was in this situation a couple of decades ago.
Difficult first birth, pnd low income and an unplanned pregnancy.
The HV convinced me two dcs were the same as having one.
It wasn't.It was hard but I got support and now have a fantastic ds.No regrets.
Please get support whatever you decide.

That’s not right. I could word that more strongly. Can you speak to another GP or ask your partner to do so if you aren’t up to it.

They also need to push that referral. I’ve never heard in my life that only pregnant women who are a risk to themselves can be accepted. If it’s true it must be challenged.

Things will be good again.

I was exactly the same. First DD planned suffered awful PND and vowed to never have another. Though within a couple of months we bonded, I never felt the same again. Found out I was 17weeks with second DD when first was about 10 months.

It was hell. My partner was ecstatic I was on the floor. Couldn't see how I would cope with 2 under 2, wanted to just enjoy my first. Didn't want to go through the birth or newborn stage again. I had constant panic and anxiety up until she was born.

As much as I hate myself saying this it was easy. I had read that it's harder going from 0-1 than 1-2 and I found that to be so true. I already had no time to myself, nothing changed. It really helped 2nd was an easier baby.

I'm 4 months in, DD2 sleeping through the night, the two of them are interacting. I would say my bond isn't 100percent there yet but it's much better than the first time round.

I'm still a worrier and anxious but it's not nearly as hard as I thought it would be.

You will be okay, you are strong.

Please, please go back to your GP. A different one, if you can. Keep going back until they help you. This isn’t right. Your anxiety is talking here and you can’t see the wood for the trees. I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this.