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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To try for another baby?

31 replies

bubbleducks · 16/03/2022 18:25

My LO is 13months old. I'm super broody and think I would just like to crack on try for #2 so that I can have my DC1 at home with me whilst on Mat leave with DC2 before he qualifies for his free 30 hours.

AIBU to do this? I'm sure others do it. I could still send him to nursery 1-2 days a week if needed.

I have loved my first year of motherhood so much. I am torn between waiting a while so my baby years aren't over so quickly (and have more time with DS1 on his own) or just get going for #2.

I love the idea of having two at home as batshit crazy as that sounds!

We fell quickly first time and my cycle is all back to normal despite breastfeeding still.

I am 34 so no spring chicken!

Tell me the positives tell me the negatives and everything in between please :-)

OP posts:
sevensleeps · 16/03/2022 18:28

Tbh I would specifically wait until DC1 gets the 30 hours before having DC2! So that you can have time on your own with DC2 during your mat leave too. Otherwise in my experience it's much less lovely than how you remember the first time around 😬

2ndBorn · 16/03/2022 18:28

22 months between my first two (so got pregnant when DS1 was 13 months). Really hard work for me, breastfed DS2 and he was a real crier - very grumpy baby - still grumpy now Grin
They have such an amazing bond & entertain each other, they really are the best brothers now at 4&6. Go for it, if that’s what you want.
I’ve found a 3.5 year gap much easier on ME but also wouldn’t change a thing with my elder boys as they totally love each other & it’s fab. There’s only one school year between them which is a bit tricky as both learning to read at the same time etc, but then pros as it’s all fresh!

2ndBorn · 16/03/2022 18:29

(That’s unclear but I’ve had a third with a bigger gap)

sevensleeps · 16/03/2022 18:29

(Much harder to look after two than just one, and you have terrible twos and threenager still to come....)

Original poster
bubbleducks · 16/03/2022 18:31

@sevensleeps not sure I am patient enough to wait that long 🙈

@2ndBorn did you have them both at home with you? I breastfeed my first and can't imagine having to sit and feed non stop with a toddler running around but my mum tells me she coped!

OP posts:
NeedleNoodle3 · 16/03/2022 18:32

I have a 21 month age gap and it worked out well. The first year is busy but as they get older it gets easier. School holidays and actual holidays were fun as they were at the same stage. University was expensive as I had 2 years with them both there.

Original poster
bubbleducks · 16/03/2022 18:32

@sevensleeps you're so right but ignorance is bliss. Kinda worried if I wait too long it'll get tougher and then I'll be put off Grin

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NeedleNoodle3 · 16/03/2022 18:35

@2ndBorn did you have them both at home with you? I breastfeed my first and can't imagine having to sit and feed non stop with a toddler running around but my mum tells me she coped!
I bought my toddler some new special cars that only came out when I was feeding the baby, this worked really well. I also bought him his first garage when the baby was born so he was really absorbed playing with it.

MarmaladeToastAndAMarmaladeCat · 16/03/2022 18:36

I have 18 months between my two and had them both at home with me until Ds1 went to preschool 15 hours a week at age 3.3. I found it perfectly manageable to be honest, and my husband works away a lot and I have no family nearby so little support on hand. Maybe a little intense when they were babies but they are lovely together and now they are 3 and 4.5 I actually find them a lot easier together as they play well and need less one on one attention from me! I’m expecting dd1 now with a 3.5 year gap and I’m actually more nervous about the bigger gap this time!

MarmaladeToastAndAMarmaladeCat · 16/03/2022 18:37

I will add that I bottle fed mine. Main reason for not attempting bf with Ds2 was I couldn’t see how I’d be able to establish breastfeeding and entertaining a 1 year old. But I’m sure others will have managed it.

Original poster
bubbleducks · 16/03/2022 18:41

@MarmaladeToastAndAMarmaladeCat congratulations how lovely your boys will have a little sister!
I really would want to breastfeed despite the fact it's been a real slog with DS. But yeah I imagine it'll be tough. DS fed non stop as a newborn

OP posts:
georgarina · 16/03/2022 18:51

No advice but I just found out I'm due with #3 and will have a 17-month gap! So hopefully it's manageable!

Nomaj · 16/03/2022 18:52

Got for it. 20 months gap here too and I had a toddler at home all my maternity leave. We couldn’t afford a long maternity and childcare so that was that.

My second baby was an absolutely limpet. She was very very attached to me and no one else and it was fine. Breastfed baby while toddler played and we made it worked.

I loved my year with them both but was thankful for baby groups that started early in the mornings.

Britannah · 16/03/2022 18:57

I have two little ones born exactly 2 years and 2 months apart. It’s HARD and easy as total shock for me going from one to two but I have no regrets at all because the age gap is perfect in terms of them playing the ether and growing a special bond. I think if you have your heart set on having a second and at 34 years too ( I’m the same age!) you should just go for it and see what happens. It may take a little while anyway but once baby is here you won’t regret either way!! Xxx

sevensleeps · 16/03/2022 18:58

[quote bubbleducks]@sevensleeps you're so right but ignorance is bliss. Kinda worried if I wait too long it'll get tougher and then I'll be put off Grin[/quote]
That's a good point haha! Grin

Britannah · 16/03/2022 18:59

Sorry my auto spell wrote easy Instead of was. NOT EASY BUT WORTH IT!! Grin

ShoesEverywhere · 16/03/2022 19:04

Shoved baby in sling and she fed abd slept while I walked/went to the park etc.

I had a 2.5 year age gap and now my youngest is five they are thick as thieves and best friends. I love their gap.

washingmachines4 · 16/03/2022 19:11

Just remember all that time you were able to spend with baby no. 1. Think again about no. 2. It is not the same.
There is so much guilt around how much no. 2 takes you away from no.1 who is now used to being the centre of your world. They will adapt and cope but wow is it hard. I would wait until the 30 hours at 3 years old (not straight away - otherwise they are being farmed off just as the new arrival has come which can cause resentment but about 6 months in would be perfect timing), it'll allow a better balance
Just my opinion. You'll do what is right for you.

Original poster
bubbleducks · 16/03/2022 19:20

@washingmachines4 yes this is a major fear. I feel guilty when I look at my baby now and consider another. But my sibling and I are two years apart and the best of friends so I'm glad my parents did it that way!

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Mummywantsaweewee · 16/03/2022 19:30

Exactly 2 years and one week gap here, youngest almost 8 months now and yes it’s hard at first but not that bad really and you learn as you go!
Baby was in sling all the time at first. Toddler still breastfeeds so I’ve ended up tandem feeding, or put tv on for older child while you feed the baby. Or have colouring books etc handy if they will do that (mine didn’t haha!! But screen time will become a very useful tool with two under three…)
Walks are great. Baby in sling, toddler in pram, gets you out the house, fresh air, exercise, it’s so good. I try to take them out every morning. The park is a mile away uphill so I’m slowly training the toddler to endure a longer walk to get there so he can play a bit too.
Baby is on solids now too so both sit at table for meals and I eat something with them too.
My opinion is that the first 6 months are the hardest but they were ok, baby is now crawling and interested in things and interesting to toddler.
They interact with each other now and I’m so glad I had them as close as I did.
I’m now deciding whether or not to have a third… with a similar gap between second and third.. am I mad? Wink

Mummywantsaweewee · 16/03/2022 19:34

And yes mum guilt is real and absolutely heart wrenching but I wanted them to be close in age. Nothing prepared me for the guilt but it helps that toddler never stopped breastfeeding so he still has that connection to me and also it’s a shared experience for them both now. Get family or your partner to take the baby as often as possible to spend time with your older child. When DH was home I fed baby then handed him to DH to take ds1 for a walk just me and him or to spend time playing in sandpit etc. It helped a lot so make sure to take advantage of help and spend time 1-on-1 with your eldest.

NeedleNoodle3 · 16/03/2022 19:37

I deliberately kept nap times separate so I had one to one time with each DC.

needhelp34 · 16/03/2022 20:01

I have 17 months between DC1 and DC2. DC2 had health issues and screamed all of the time. The first year was horrendous. Felt a lot of guilt about DC1. Sent DC1 to nursery when he was 22 months old for 2 days a week to have a break from it and to socialise them (pandemic babies) Which they loved.

It’s been hard but I don’t regret it. The pandemic and living away from family made it harder, which isn’t my DCs fault. They’re 34 months and 17 months now and they adore each other. I have DC3 due in July. I’m 34 and it’s wasn’t so much an age thing, it was more wanting pregnancies and the baby stage out the way.. I hate the baby stage. Love it once they get to toddler stage.

You should go for it. Just expect the unexpected.

Smorgasbordbaby · 16/03/2022 20:18

I have 23 months between my eldest two. It was very hard at times, especially as my eldest is on the autistic spectrum but we built coping strategies. My son had special toys that only came out during BF-ing sessions but he was also at nursery for a fair amount of my mat leave which meant my daughter got some 1:1 time with me too. They're 13 and 11 now and are very close though we're beginning to see teenage hormones causing rifts.
I also have a little surprise who's 2 months old, my other two currently dote on him but I do worry how close they'll be as they grow and leave home (and when he starts moving and getting into their stuff).

Pottedfern · 16/03/2022 20:22

I could have written your post! 22 months between mine and the youngest is now 6 months. To be honest it has been so much harder than I thought it would be.

My oldest was an easy baby up until 14 months when they started walking and the chaos of the toddler years hit. The youngest is an excessively high needs BF baby and my husband works a lot so it is hard.

However I’m already starting to see an amazing bond between my DC and now that I’m in it I wouldn’t change it for the world. Even though the days are hard I know I’ll look back and miss the chaos.