I can't get over it

[luna29]

I've spent my entire pregnancy dreaming about my baby and imagining how amazing life would be when she's born & all the newborn cuddles I would get etc.

She was born really prematurely & contracted a life threatening illness soon after birth. I was in hospital for weeks fearing the worse.

She's fine now and all doctors assure me she's made a full recovery.. however almost a year later .. I still can't get over it. I cry weekly about how bad our start was. I envy everyone posting pictures of newborn babies at home cuddling etc. My DH is much stronger and has managed to move on and be grateful that our child is healthy and we can enjoy her now.
But why do I still feel that I've let her down .. I should've done something to stop that from happening. I keep thinking about what I ate the day I went into early labour and maybe it's something I've done .. I know it's not .. but how do I come to terms with what's happened?
My gp says it will pass with time but will it?
Any tips?

I think you need to talk to a professional about all your fears and thoughts and get some perspective and answers to your questions. Your GP seems quite dismissive of your fears.

Im so pleased that your baby has made a full recovery and you can enjoy her.

Hello, is she just turned 1? The first year anniversary can relive a lot of feelings and emotions so is understandable.

What I did was sit down and just type out everything I was feeling, everything that I worried about and had done wrong and how I felt as a mum. My whole birth experience. I typed it all out and poured my heart out. It was actually really cathartic.

It also sounds like cbt would help a lot. Honesty it’s so helpful. You can just search for someone privately or talk to your gp.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and your baby. It sounds awful.

It sounds like you are in the midst of mourning the new born experience that you didn't get to have. I can hear that you are holding a lot of guilt about what happened.

I would try to access some counselling through the NHS but please speak to a different GP as that one sounds quite dismissive. In the meantime are you able to access private counselling?

If not then maybe using Samaritans on a weekly basis to mimic weekly therapy sessions to talk through all your feelings.

It’s early days still OP, dealing with trauma on top of the challenges of new motherhood is difficult. I had a similar experience and I think I was so busy as a new mum and dealing with NICU etc that I didn’t have time to process everything so it was hard to “move on”. Six years down the road now and I have been ok for half that time now probably, more or less. It will always be part of your experience and I don’t know if you ever really “get over” that sort of thing but you learn to accept it and live with it over time. Also 100% recommend some counselling and CBT.

Im sorry to hear what you and your baby have been through. It isn't surprising that it has affected you so much. If you do opt for CBT, go for trauma focused CBT in particular. Or non-CBT trauma focused counselling, maybe with EMDR.

OP there is so much hype about what having a baby will be like and when things don’t turn out picture perfect it is too easy the blame yourself.
The good news is that this feeling will ease and ultimately recede. My DC was born with issues and needed operations later and I experienced feelings of guilt but with hindsight and reading of your experience I know I was a prime candidate for depression, anxiety and feeling of inadequacy. Childbirth enhances everything and who is to say we wouldn’t have felt this way if things had been easier?
Those difficult first weeks prolonged your agony and negative emotional state. I used to think if I failed to be the ideal mother I’d irretrievably damage DC which I can now laugh about.
So hang in there, take whatever you need for anxiety/ depression and enjoy the little things you share with DD during your care of her. She does not have a checklist regarding her life and cares and just wants and needs to love you and feel your love for her. Watch programmes which make you laugh so she can see you as a happy person, sing and dance with her.
But don’t look back. All that stuff is in the past and can’t changed. You did a wonderful job of carrying her long enough that she could survive to live to experience your love.
Good luck

Your GP should be referring you to the maternal mental health team. You can deal with this but I doubt after a year it’s going to just magically disappear. I was referred after my first child and before my second and they were really good.

You need to speak to someone.

22 years on and I’m still not over it (almost exactly the same circumstances around birth so I really do know that feeling). I force myself not to think about it, because if I do I break down and am in a downwards spiral for days. Even now.

My son was so ill when he was tiny and I don't think I have ever been so traumatised in my life. Even now I can't think about it for too long as it's still very painful. I was offered counselling but I didn't take up the offer. If you can get some help I would definitely take if. Take care xxx

Thank you everyone

Will go back to my gp surgery and ask to speak with someone different & see if there's anything that would help me 😢

Sorry to read that some of you have been through similar experiences. It's soo hard 😞 and all of a sudden after being discharged you're supposed to go home get over it and pretend all that's happened was normal 😢

I had a similar thing with my first son. It's very hard. I chose to have my second son at a different hospital as I couldn't stand having to go to the same place again. Often if I drive past the hospital I feel sad. It's silly as he is perfectly healthy but you can't change how you feel.

This sounds like a normal response to a traumatic event to me. Not normal as in everyone will feel like this but it's not unusual.
I had a relatively straightforward birth, 4 day labour, blue lighted and episiotomy and retained placenta, but no life or death moments so not medically remarkable, and baby was full term and healthy, but I remember the hospital asking if I needed to be put in touch with a counsellor.

Your GP is rubbish and doesn't understand mental health, time doesn't cure absolutely everything on it's own

And please don't think of it as your husband being 'stronger', it's not a 'weakness' to be affected by something traumatic, it shows how much you care about your baby that you feel so awful about almost losing her and that's not a bad thing

Talking should help.

I got stuck in a never ending circle going round and round in my head about something that happened after DD was born.

It ramped up and got worse before it got better. I spoke to my health visitor and GP about it and was referred for talking therapy which did help a bit.

CBT could be really useful.

It’s worth facing up to it as you may find it easier to move on as you process it with a professional.