Funding teenagers

[Member786495]

Posting here rather than the Teen board as I want to know if I’m BU. Sorry, it’s long !

I have an 18yo dc who boards at the moment with a few months left then off to uni in October hopefully. The school is quite privileged, dc has a scholarship although we now have £ in the bank due to inheritance sadly. In the region of £200k. I don’t work atm, dp about to retire.

That’s the picture.

Problem is that dc is costing me a fortune.
They want to go away most weekends to friends houses (lovely, never had so many friends since 6th form, really happy for them) which means taxis, shopping (they feel they should contribute) meals out, drinking etc.

Half term up in London, going abroad for Easter with a friend… you get the picture.

Whilst I’m really happy they’re happy and having fun, I do resent the constant request for money. But at the same time I can see they have no way of earning any atm, and their peers are frankly just given it.

Also, in the summer holidays I’m not sure what will happen. If dc comes home to get a job, they won’t see any of their friends and will be bloody miserable. Ergo so will I. Last summer they did work and earned quite a bit, but didn’t have the same social network as they do now.

If they don’t get a job I’ll be funding their summer, and their uni!

I haven’t spoken with dc about it yet - I’d like some ideas before I do. Dp says we need to rein it in but all I can see is that will curtail dc enjoying themselves whilst technically we do have the funds.

Thanks for getting this far!

So my aibu is this. Aibu to give 18yo dc the money that they want, or should I start saying no? Any advice on how to handle this moving forward to uni is appreciated.

Yes = you can afford it atm and they’re only young once
No = teach them what it’s like to go without a bit, it won’t kill them

Maybe ask them if they really think it's reasonable that you should get a job to pay for their summer.

Dont be so soft.

Work out a monthly budget between you and transfer it to them once a month. Then leave them to it. If they want more money then they have to earn it.

I do this with my 15 yr old and did it with my older DC . They never had a problem budgeting at uni because they had been doing it for years.

Most teenagers in their last year of school have part time jobs but the reason yours can’t is due to your decision to send them to a boarding school.
So I think in a way you do have to subsidise them more. I’m not saving it has to be ££££ but they can’t do park time work if they are boarding in the week and somewhere else on the weekend, these days with part time work you generally need to be more flexible than that.
Although I do think it’s fair to set a fixed amount and they can budget from then until it runs out rather than constantly asking.

I haven't voted as I'm not sure which way your voting works

They want to go away most weekends to friends houses (lovely, never had so many friends since 6th form, really happy for them) which means taxis, shopping (they feel they should contribute) meals out, drinking etc

Half term up in London, going abroad for Easter with a friend… you get the picture

You're funding all of that?? I have a 17 year old who's going to festivals and a week away in the summer but he's paying for himself. If he couldn't afford it then he just wouldn't go. It's mad that you're paying out for all that and yes I'd be stopping it ASAP

There needs to be a middle ground - DC doesn't need to work all the time, but a part time job is pretty easy to get at the moment part time and will still leave plenty of time to socialise/travel.

I don't think you should be handing money over for everything, despite being able to afford it.

Have they never had a job? That's very unusual where I live at that age (very mixed area income wise).

My 17 year old (with rich friends) gets a monthly allowance and has to budget. His sister did the same and is now managing her money well at uni. He supplements his allowance by tutoring younger kids.

And I do get the friends issue - I was so pleased that my teens were being invited places that I did fund quite a lot at one stage but it couldn't continue.

There has to be a middle ground I agree.

A certain amount of pocket money £10-20 per week is reasonable but anything more and they have to find a way to work in the summer.

I think other people are giving you advice which would work with kids at a normal school, but boarding school is different. It is almost impossible to have a job while at boarding school. Your absolute best case would be getting something over the summer, but realistically finding a job which will take you on for eight weeks total is incredibly hard.

You chose to send them to boarding school and you presumably knew that meant they would have affluent friends. IFAIC you now have to fund that to a reasonable standard. That doesn't mean non stop holidays, but certainly being able to go to friends' houses.

I would start setting the expectation that when they leave school this will change and they will be expected to work throughout university to fund fun.

There’s a middle ground 🤷🏻‍♀️
It was your choice to put them in a position where they couldn’t work, and have a social circle which has money and chooses activities that cost money.

I don’t think how much money a teenager has matters as much as them not having unlimited money. As long as they need to be aware of their budget and sometimes have ti say no, they learn the lesson.

I’d work out what you can afford and what’s reasonable for them to have - and set an allowance accordingly.

Maybe set a budget about how much you're prepared to spend between now and Uni if that means not doing some of the stuff that's on them. It'll teach them budgeting.

Are you going to be funding any of their university life?

Thanks for the replies, many of you are echoing my thoughts. The fact that they’re boarding makes a difference but the funds can’t be infinite.

@SarahProblem I thought we’d pay their rent for the year. I’m hoping they’ll get a scholarship so a maintenance loan is unnecessary. They’ll get finance for the fees.

I’m not expecting them to work during the terms as they’re short and intense, but I think they’ll have to in the breaks.

The voting is unclear to me, so not voting, but I'm with your husband on this one. I'd go for middle ground. Have a conversation to set your DC's expectations at a reasonable level. They won't be able to do everything their friends are doing, and that's no reason to be miserable. It's a fact of life that you have to live within your means. They have to learn that, sooner or later.

Agree with you husband how much you're willing or able to spend, then tell DC so they can plan accordingly. Just because you have money doesn't mean you can afford to spend much of it, and DC will have to respect that.

Hi there,

I have been in the same situation as your dc, except I was already at uni but wanting to go out and 'live life'. My degree didn't give me enough time off to get a job so I tried to find other ways to save money for uni.

Has your dc thought about using sites like groupon for savings? Even when your dc gets to uni there are ways to save, such as buying 'uni kits' or using ebay for old textbooks.

In fact I found it so expensive at uni that since leaving I have actually started supplying kitchen accessories directly to students as this reduces the cost to them.

Has your dc also thought about www.e4s.co.uk? It's a site that has work for students, including online stuff.

Hope this helps at all