At breaking point - please help me sort my life out :-(

[NumbLittleB]

I'm 28 and a single mother of two DC aged 6 and 3yo. They have different fathers, neither of which have contact (their choices). My kids are gorgeous and I love them dearly, but it's hard work. My youngest is also possibly autistic but does seem to be making progress lately. I'm currently living in a rented flat and am on benefits. I feel like such a failure. I have no qualifications and feel inadequate to other people/parents. I've questioned whether I'm possibly on the spectrum/ADHD myself as I struggle with tasks that others do easily. I shout at my kids all the time. My self care is terrible at the moment and I look a mess. I'm in a bit of debt. My home is unorganised and I'm late for everything. I went on a date and had a one night stand recently because I thought a relationship was maybe what I needed, but actually it just made me feel crap and I'm not sure I'm even capable of holding down a relationship, both of my babies are the result of brief flings. I become attached to women older than me which I thought was because I am not close to my own mother, but I now think that it's because I aspire to be like them. I don't even know where to begin sorting my mess of a life out. Any help greatly appreciated, my son and daughter deserve better than this.

Do you have Homestart in your area? Your hv can advise of that or other local support available. Set reminders on your phone so you are not late and better organised. Do you have any gcses, English and Maths? If not you can take them free, try your local Further Education college to find a local provider. Some classes may be in the community with childcare available if dc2 is not in preschool. Your hv may also be able to help you access FEET funding or more funded hours if your circumstances fit criteria which would give you a break.

Hi OP, you are on your own with two little children. That is hard. I think you need to stop being hard on yourself and start small with improving things. A little tidy of your kitchen. Think of how you can get your child to school on time each day. Maybe doing some of the organising the night before.

Don’t focus on the big picture but do some small things to make you feel better. And, this is meant kindly, but make sure your contraception is good. Having a third child will make things much harder.

It does sound like it could possibly be adhd. Approach your gp about assessment.

My own Ds has asd bit adhd. Lists and alarms are your friend.

I recommend strugglecare. The lady started it before she realised she had adhd. It's very gentle and kind advice and great systems, and there's a very cheap easy to follow and easy to read ebook too plus free stuff on tiktok and the fb group www.strugglecare.com/

Pick one thing that you want to change and try and achieve that. Maybe start with a major declutter and tidy? Even if it's a room at a time?
I think trying to have a major overhaul of everything at once isn't achievable and is just demotivates you as you don't make any progress.
So you main living area ship shape by the end of the week. It will help you feel more in control and it's not nearly so stressful as living in chaos. Then on Monday start thinking about how to tackle the debt.
Is it manageable? Do you need to phone Stepchange? The money saving expert forum will have helpful advice.

capuk.org/
or
Call 0800 328 0006
Call for free from landlines and mobiles in the UK.
9:30am–5:00pm Monday–Thursday and 9:30am–3:30pm on Fridays

If you enter your postcode into cap.org there may be services in your area. They offer free debt advice and help with qualifications and finding a job if you want one

Thinking of you. You are doing better than you realise. Also we all shout at our kids.

Is your youngest at nursery? Ask them what they think of their progress and how to have an assessment. Or talk to your health visitor/gp.

The longer term things like returning to education you can tackle once you have every day life a bit more under control.
Don't write yourself off. I work in higher education and mums who return later are very often our best students. Raising your children is giving you more skills than you think

A bit personal this one, sorry. Make sure you're not pregnant again after your one night stand. (Sorry)

Can you write down everything that's bothering you? Debt, state of house, state of hair and nails, being late, lost stuff, bad meal choices, just write it all down.
Then see what jumps out at you as the most annoying or most depressing, or easiest to fix.

There's always a path through, sometimes it's just hard to find

Thanks everyone, some really helpful advice here which I will take on board

Maybe write down three things to do each day, but make sure they are easily achievable. One thing for you, one thing for the children, one thing for your home. Eg, wash and condition your hair, sing a silly song with your children, clear and wipe the kitchen worktop.

As others have said, talk to your HV or GP to see what is avaliable in your area. Bringing up small children is hard whatever the circumstances. I bet you're doing better than you think.

hallo, I am a mumsy older woman, offering a hug and cup of tea. I sympathise massively with how your life is right now. If it;s any consolation I felt exactly the same even with DH around so you are coping better than me.

Two things massively helped me when I felt like you did. The first was a set of books called Positive Parenting. I just read them cover to cover a few times and it cured my shouting. I just reacted in a completely different way to DC and we all calmed down. It is a bit time consuming but if you are currently not working that's an ideal time.

The other one was the 5-minute fix. If you have really bad ADHD, you can make it the 2-minute fix.
Get a bin bag and a box or laundry basket
Pick a room.
Set an alarm for 5 mins on your phone. In that 5 mins do as much as you can to make the room look tidy. E.g. bathroom - chuck out dusty old bottles of stuff you don't use and empty loo rolls. Hang up towels, wipe mirrors and taps, line up bath toys neatly.
When the timer bleeps you're done.

If it's the kitchen - empty the bin, wipe the surfaces down and soak any dirty washing up in very hot soapy water.

You can do the same with self care. Set timer for 5 minutes - clean your teeth, cleanse your face, comb your hair. You feel instantly more alive. Or have a 3-minute shower. Get wet, soap all the bits that sweat, rinse off. You are out of the shower before the timer goes.

The 5-minute fix proves to you what you can do in a tiny amount of time.

You can 5-minute fix dinner - even if it's microwaved beans and wholemeal toast with chopped banana for pudding, it's healthy. Or filled pastas with a jar of tomato sauce and some sliced cucumber and carrot on the side.

And don't feel bad for not working btw, you are raising two small children. That's a job. Just do this job for now until the littlest one is at school. It really helps to have a plan and make a decision about it. For now, so long as your benefits are secure, your job is to raise your kids, sort out your home and yourself, in prep for starting work when your youngest goes to school. You can make a little list of stuff to do towards this, like looking at access courses or getting your youngest assessed for SEN.

CAB might help with the debt. Whatever you do, try to let who you owe know that you can't pay it all right now, so it doesn't escalate.Try to get a payment plan that you can afford. Dont't take out a payday loan.

Rule out dating for at least a year. No contraceptive is bulletproof and another child would not make your life easier.

There's a lot to unpick there.

If it was me, I'd start with a list. I'd put things in order of priority and do one thing a day.

1 - See GP about a referral for a diagnosis. Much of what you are experiencing could be attributed to an undiagnosed learning difficulty. Could the GP signpost you to local organisations that could support you?

2 - Make appointment with SENCO to discuss your child's SEN.

3 - Build self/personal care into your daily routine. Daily shower. Make an appointment for a hair cut. Something every day.

4 - Clean/tidy one part of your house every day against a timer.

Longer term - begin to think about a job you'd like to do. Research what qualifications you'll need and how you could begin to acquire them.

25 years ago I was where you are now. Firstly, the most important thing in your DC's mind is love and care. As long as you love them and spend time with them, they aren't noticing the mess, or worrying that you don't own your house. None of that matters to them. My DC remember fun (mostly free) times we had together.

You've had some brilliant tips on this post already. I would say, once the basics are sorted you can start to think about the future. I did an access course and went on to Uni. There are various funding sources to help. Or look for a job where you can work your way up. Or an adult aprenticeship. There are lots of options.

I also probably have ADHD myself so I know it's hard. Even now I'm not always on top of things, not by a long way! But it is totally possible to change your life. I'm not saying it will be perfect and always run smoothly, but everyone has setbacks from time to time.

My main tips are - don't let the debt get any worse. I have made big mistakes with finances over the years and it's something I wish I'd sorted out long ago.
Don't have any more one night stands! I'm not against casual sex but as you yourself said, it just makes you feel crap.
Don't be too hard on yourself. I spent years trying to make myself function like a "regular" person, instead of just accepting I have certain strengths and weaknesses and working with those.

You don't have to perfect. Your home doesn't have to be perfect. Have fun with your DC, try and take small steps towards your goals. You will get there.

For me, i would tackle one issue at a time and then day by day begin processing multiple issues when needed, but it's sticking to the plan, which is where I struggled at times

@gingerhills

hallo, I am a mumsy older woman, offering a hug and cup of tea. I sympathise massively with how your life is right now. If it;s any consolation I felt exactly the same even with DH around so you are coping better than me.

Two things massively helped me when I felt like you did. The first was a set of books called Positive Parenting. I just read them cover to cover a few times and it cured my shouting. I just reacted in a completely different way to DC and we all calmed down. It is a bit time consuming but if you are currently not working that's an ideal time.

The other one was the 5-minute fix. If you have really bad ADHD, you can make it the 2-minute fix.
Get a bin bag and a box or laundry basket
Pick a room.
Set an alarm for 5 mins on your phone. In that 5 mins do as much as you can to make the room look tidy. E.g. bathroom - chuck out dusty old bottles of stuff you don't use and empty loo rolls. Hang up towels, wipe mirrors and taps, line up bath toys neatly.
When the timer bleeps you're done.

If it's the kitchen - empty the bin, wipe the surfaces down and soak any dirty washing up in very hot soapy water.

You can do the same with self care. Set timer for 5 minutes - clean your teeth, cleanse your face, comb your hair. You feel instantly more alive. Or have a 3-minute shower. Get wet, soap all the bits that sweat, rinse off. You are out of the shower before the timer goes.

The 5-minute fix proves to you what you can do in a tiny amount of time.

You can 5-minute fix dinner - even if it's microwaved beans and wholemeal toast with chopped banana for pudding, it's healthy. Or filled pastas with a jar of tomato sauce and some sliced cucumber and carrot on the side.

And don't feel bad for not working btw, you are raising two small children. That's a job. Just do this job for now until the littlest one is at school. It really helps to have a plan and make a decision about it. For now, so long as your benefits are secure, your job is to raise your kids, sort out your home and yourself, in prep for starting work when your youngest goes to school. You can make a little list of stuff to do towards this, like looking at access courses or getting your youngest assessed for SEN.

CAB might help with the debt. Whatever you do, try to let who you owe know that you can't pay it all right now, so it doesn't escalate.Try to get a payment plan that you can afford. Dont't take out a payday loan.

This is such good advice. I remember using the Flylady system when we moved with 3 children (inc newborn) and this is similar but even simpler.

It does sound hard for you, and its inducing panic that its your fault or that you should be better at this or that, but stop telling yourself off!
Take things one small step at a time every day and it will add up in no time. Take a picture now and then in 3 weeks time so you can actually see how you've progressed.
Clearing a bit of clutter every day, however small will make you feel so much more in control. I know this is difficult with children's toys.
Shouting.. its hard. Kids don't have a sense of urgency and they are noisy too. It's not always easy to stick to the no shouting vow when its chaotic, but all the books I read advised when they kick off you respond by speaking more softly and calmly (even if its acting) and this did seem to work.

I always thought mine had a "witching hour" at about 4.00 pm. They were usually Hangry, and having some food and some quiet time, even if its cuddling up with some small eats and watching their fav kids program with them and chatting to them about it. Jack Munroe the Bootstrap Cook has some really good ideas on meal planning and preparation which can make life easier.
Bedtime can always be a difficult time, Forget all the housework and the other stuff, focus on them.
Sticking ( or trying to stick) to a calming routine really helps and reading bedtime stories does help the noise issue. Have some recorded stories that they can listen too when you are too tired to continue, but the main thing is they know they routinely get a good bit of attention if they go through the bedtime routine.
There's some good advice on here about places that might be able to help you.
Mornings. As a child our mornings were chaos, but the best advice I had was to have a coming home routine, with labelled places for shoes, coats, school bags.. so that they can always find them in the morning and preparing everything for school the night before. Laying out tomorrows clothes as part of bedtime routine. It really does help.

Remember that even tiny changes will add up and make a difference and give you the confidence to make bigger ones. And give yourself a pat on the back for each one of those tiny steps you take. best of luck

Don't be too hard on yourself. I spent years trying to make myself function like a "regular" person, instead of just accepting I have certain strengths and weaknesses and working with those.

@DressingPafe - this is the best advice ever. It took me well into my 50s to suddenly realise I can't behave like neurotypical people. I'm not one.Do your best OP which is very different from NT best, but it is your best and that's OK.

How about getting some financial support from the childrens' fathers. Your kids are owed that and it would take some of the pressure off you.

I'd start with your GP and see if you can get assessments for ADHD and/or Autism. I don't know much about Autism but what you've said fits in with ADHD. I'd recommend a podcast called 'I Have ADHD', it's American but she's very good at making you feel better but with practical advice. There are different topics like parenting or keeping your house in order so you can scroll through and see what stands out.

I agree with PP, small changes add up and don't be too hard on yourself.

Thank you so much everyone. I will be taking all this advice on board