Archived Conversation

[AnxiousAnnie19]

My DP has always been very private with his phone. We have been together 5 years almost and he has always been this way in terms of not wanting me to use his phone, not wanting me to look at a photo that’s been taken etc.
His only explanation for this has been that it has private conversations on between him and his mates and they are very laddie and graphic in what they discuss so he wouldn’t want me to see anything. He also said his ex was quite controlling which has made him feel he wants his own privacy.

Anyway - recently I have been feeling insecure about this. I have asked friends and read threads on here where the consensus is that there shouldn’t be an issue if there’s nothing to hide.

I asked him about it and he got very annoyed as he feels he’s already told me why he’s like this.
He sent me a screenshot of his messages I’m assuming to show me what is there and at the bottom of this there was a pop up that said “one conversation archived. Click to undo”.
I’m now even more suspicious as to what this conversation is. He said it’s just spam that he deleted but there were other spam messages in his inbox so why only delete this one message?

Please can someone tell me if I’m being paranoid and unreasonable?
Other than this I have no reason to think he’s cheating in any way.

Thanks for reading.

So he archived a message before sending you a screenshot but didn’t realised there was a notification in the bottom of the shot showing what he had just done.

He’s defensive when you question him.

It doesn’t look good does it?

"My husband wants to nose through my phone. I've told him that I've nothing to hide and that I was in a controlling relationship before so I value my privacy. He doesn't believe me, even though I've shown him a screenshot of my messages and is insisting I hand over my phone."

Can you imagine how many LTB replies there would be if the roles were reversed here?

@KrisAkabusi - yes I understand. My question really though was whether I should be worried about the fact be archived a conversation before sending me the screenshot.

I have never been through his phone and didn’t ask him to send me a screenshot of the messages - he did it off his own back. Now it’s just raised more concerns

Do you share your phone, messages and photos with him?
When I message a friend its for her, not for her partner to have a nosey at as well!

On the fence. My DH can't access my phone, there's no need for him to do so and if he asked, I'd probably say no, even though I truly have nothing to hide apart from some shameful search history and me bitch-whinging to my friends about him when he's been a cock. But it's my right to have private conversations etc if I want to!

I have nothing to hide but I would never let anyone go through my phone. My dh either trusts me or he doesn't. If he needs to go through my phone the issue are bigger than the act.

I archive convos all the time on whatsapp with people I don't think I'll speak to again for a while or don't want to be reminded of (my mother)

It helps to know other people are also this level of private with their phones. He has always been this way since I’ve been with him.

What is concerning me though and to me looks suspicious is that he deleted or archived a conversation before sending me the screenshot. He must have just done it prior to screenshotting as it said “undo” next to it. He said it’s just spam that he deleted. Whether this is true I don’t know.

@MichelleScarn - he does see most of what’s on my phone yes. I’m one of those people who ask him to read my messages if they come through and I can’t get to the phone.
He could look at anything on my phone and I wouldn’t care. I ask him to use it to take photos etc

I wouldn't let my husband look through my phone (we've been together 20 years). I'm not having an affair but I use my phone constantly for notes like reminders and sometimes a diary and the stuff I Google is sometimes a bit weird (not sexually, but if a daft thought pops into my head, I sometimes look it up). I don't need to know everything about my DH and he doesn't need to know the inner workings of my mind either.

You either trust him or you don't.

I honestly think that in a healthy and trusting relationship people don't hide their phones. I'm not saying checking each others phones is normal, but, for example, if I get a message and I'm cooking I'll ask DH to check it for me or if he needs to search something but his phone is on charge he will use mine and I'd not expect him to ask. I find it very weird and suspicious when people are protective about their phones (keeping them from their partners). While there may be some people who do this for innocent reasons like the poster above, I feel that the majority probably have slightly less innocent reasons.

@Eleanoravarney

I honestly think that in a healthy and trusting relationship people don't hide their phones. I'm not saying checking each others phones is normal, but, for example, if I get a message and I'm cooking I'll ask DH to check it for me or if he needs to search something but his phone is on charge he will use mine and I'd not expect him to ask. I find it very weird and suspicious when people are protective about their phones (keeping them from their partners). While there may be some people who do this for innocent reasons like the poster above, I feel that the majority probably have slightly less innocent reasons.

That's nonsense .

Why should my partner have access to my close friends personal thoughts / images / sometimes partially dressed trying on things etc !

I would never allow anyone to read through my phone , or my google history 🤔

*Why should my partner have access to my close friends personal thoughts / images / sometimes partially dressed trying on things etc !

I would never allow anyone to read through my phone , or my google history 🤔*

Absolutely agree! Do you friends know that their conversations with you are not private?

My post was more in regards to the fact he deleted a conversation before sending me the screenshot. He purposely deleted something which I’m assuming is something he doesn’t want me to see.
I know nobody can tell me for sure whether I need to be worried but I just wanted peoples opinions.
Maybe it’s all innocent, I hope it is.

He either archived a chat before sending the screenshot so you wouldn’t see it or he’s had an old chat archived for some time. I have a few archived chats, I never look at them at all and forgot about them until this thread.

I’d be suspicious about how protective he is of the phone in general. I can understand him not wanting you to dig through his phone but not even letting you see a photo after it’s been taken is suspicious.

Sounds dodgy. If he had deleted 'spam' it wouldn't be there at all. He has hidden a conversation that he doesn't want you to see

@Eleanoravarney do your friends know that anything they send you is likely to get shared with your partner? That would really piss me off if my communications were being shared.

I don't know really. In this instance he's clearly hid something he doesn't want you to see, which would make anyone suspicious. I do think he's hiding something that he knows will hurt /upset you.

But in general I don't agree with "all access to phones" My DP doesn't know my password, I don't know his. Never asked each other. Have never had a moment where I need to use his. At most we will say "can you Google x y x" or we will just go get our own phone. In my friendship circle it is the norm to know each others password though. We do leave it laying around eachother so DP has no reason to be suspicious (or me)

Also I have 3 archived chats, all group chats that annoy me with notifications pinging all day, I dip in and out and it doesn't feel so relentless that way.

Why is it a problem for him to hide something he doesn't want you to see? I don't get it. It's not a big deal. It's something private that he doesn't want you to see. If he hasn't given you any other reason to be suspicious then what is this really all about?

You've harraseed him so much that he's felt the need to send you screenshots, and it's only made you even more paranoid.

Please leave him, you'd be doing him a favour

@JustMaggie - what could you possibly need to delete so your partner doesn’t see?

@SartresSoul - the not wanting me to see a photo only happened once about 3 years ago but I’m just using it as an example. He is very particular with his phone though yes.

I keep thinking about our relationship and wondering if he would really be speaking to other women. I just can’t imagine it but then what else would he need to delete?
He laughed when I asked if he is speaking to someone else and said he wouldn’t have the energy to keep that up behind my back. He does get very annoyed with me though and calls me controlling for being so upset about his secrecy.
I think he would probably have a bit of a point if it weren’t for him deleting things.

@AnxiousAnnie19 my cousin sent me photos post mastectomy, we couldn't meet in person during lockdown and she was upset re her scars. That was deleted straight away once I'd seen it. She would have been horrified if she'd thought DH would have seen it.

Sorry @JustMaggie that was really answering a question directed at you!

"Laddie and graphic" sounds grim as hell tbh, and that's just what he's admitting to. Presumably it's about young women and their orifices?