To be angry at this teacher

[AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters]

DD who is 16 has serious mental health problems. She’s been in therapy for three years for anxiety but has become much worse lately so is being referred back to Camhs since the GP believes she has depression and an eating disorder. Our first experience of camhs was a few days before the first lockdown when everything stopped so DD has continued with private counselling since then. I’m a single parent on an average salary so this has been difficult to afford sometimes.
She speaks to one of the pastoral care teachers once a week to catch up. This has always been a positive experience for her. But last week, the teacher told her ‘you just don’t want to get better’. This week DD was told I was enabling her mental state and I’m not doing enough. Apparently I should be forcing her to go out and socialise more. I am worried sick about my daughter. I am sure there are things I could do differently or better, but to hear my parenting criticised by a teacher in their 20s who has no children, no training in mental health and has never met me, is making me really angry and very upset. The last time I persuaded DD to go to the cinema two weeks ago she had a panic attack and we had to leave so I really do try.
DD has made me promise I won’t mention it to the school but I feel this teacher has really crossed a line.

If DD doesn't want you to, I would listen to her. The autonomy of choice is really important for teens with mental health problems. Tell her it was a stupid comment, and she should get used to it. Stigmas is real, and she ought to know people are sometimes ignorant.

The teacher didn't criticise you to your face, so how do you know, for sure, your secondhand information is correct?

@CannaBelieve DD was upset by it so delayed the conversation

How do you know she's had no MH training?

Part of overcoming anxiety is facing the fear and getting on with it. There are levels and graduated approaches to this, but avoiding the situation that makes you anxious isn't usually a positive move long term.

Your dd may have misinterpreted what was said to her. Easily done for both adults and teenagers, especially when emotions are high.

You need to check if what your daughter is telling you is true.
I'd hesitantly surmise that as it's criticism mainly of you and your relationship with your daughter, and your daughter doesn't want you to check with the teacher, it could well be a way of your daughter getting at you.
We have an analogous situation at school and without going into detail, what the parents were being told that the school was saying was completely untrue.

I would be wanting to meet with the teacher, to verify exactly what she has said, and what her qualifications as regards mental health and vulnerable teenagers are.

Surely the school's pastoral care should be deferring to the teenagers' actual specialist therapist?

Teachers do have MH training. We have to mop up all kinds of stuff. If she's a pastoral member of staff it's likely she has had more MH training than a regular teacher too.

Agree with pps you need to arrange a meeting with the teacher to find out exactly what was said.

I would ask your dd what EXACTLY was said. Take notes.

Then I would be asking for a meeting with the teacher and DSL.

IF that's what happened it's totally unacceptable.

DD gets very anxious and guilty if she lies so I believe what she says is how she interpreted things.
I didn’t mean to suggest the teacher hadn’t had ANY mental health training, what I meant is that she isn’t one of the school counsellors. What she suggested goes against the advice I am following from DD’s therapist who has a PHD in psychology.

I echo speaking to the teacher to see how it was worded. I was very ill with depression a few years ago and received help through work while I was off sick (NHS, so fully trained counsellors) as well as antidepressants from my GP. As well as the psychological support via counselling I was also guided through various self help routes and this included a pathway to wellness - so a plan for my recovery. This included small goals to start with (eg shower) working up to bigger goals (meet a friend for coffee). The expectation was very much that I would recover but I needed to engage with the treatment and not just have counselling - is that what the teacher meant, perhaps?

Your DD should be immensely proud of the fact she went to the cinema - that’s a huge step. Did she work up to going? Even if she wasn’t able to stay this time she still left the house and sat in a busy environment with lots of stimuli. Is there something else she might feel more comfortable doing? What’s her plans for getting out in small increments over the coming weeks and months?

If these sessions are upsetting dd maybe the best thing would be for them to come to an end? Just wondering from you say about the anxiety/depression, eating disorder and the lying - there's no chance she has ASD is there? Is was the lying thing that made me wonder as it sounds like my ds - and anxiety and eating disorders are very common with asd.

@Gowithme that has never been mentioned by the school, GP or her psychologist.

DD says this teacher purely deals with educational support so she is going to ask to only discuss that from now on.
She is leaving the house in small steps so we’ll keep taking things slowly. This weekend we are going to go for a drive (which she really loves) and have lunch in the country somewhere.
I suspect I over reacted/over thought this but I have been so worried for so long and really don’t know what else I could do, but DD is feeling more positive tonight so hopefully that will continue.