Not to tell husband about my PND

PNDsecret · 2022-03-15T14:48:02+00:00

I was recently diagnosed with PND, have been taking antidepressants for about a week and I’m waiting for talking therapy. My husband is incredibly supportive with our lovely, bright but very high needs 8 month DD. I love him but he has serious boundary issues when it comes to privacy, and I’ve particularly noticed this since the birth of our DD. For example, sharing private details about her birth (which was very traumatic) and talking about our relationship with others e.g. we’ll meet friends for lunch and he will start talking about an argument we’ve had that week, for example. I appreciate that he finds it therapeutic/normalising to share personal details with others, but I hate it and it makes me feel I have no privacy. I’ve talked to him about this but it doesn’t seem to make any difference. Anyway - the AIBU. AIBU to not tell my husband about my PND diagnosis. Right now I’m just about keeping my head above water and cannot cope with him telling all and sundry about my mental health.

Hopeful16 · 15/03/2022 14:57

I struggled after the birth of my second but desperately needed the support of my husband- even when I was quite mean and angry in my behaviour towards him.
Only you can decide if he will not aid your recovery and support you. BUT if this was reversed how would you feel? I don't think that I could continue a relationship with someone who had kept this from me.

Loopytiles · 15/03/2022 15:00

It wasn’t OK to tell others private details of your birth or the argument. YANBU not to share information with him: he’s given you reasons not to trust he’ll keep it to himself.

Loopytiles · 15/03/2022 15:01

Did he do similar things before you had DD?

youdoyoutoday · 15/03/2022 15:02

Can you not just have a conversation along the lines of I spoken to a doctor, I have PND and I would really appreciate your support and I would prefer for no one else to know as that would make me feel worse, others knowing my personal stuff?

namechange30455 · 15/03/2022 15:14

I don't think I could stay in a relationship with someone who crossed those kinds of boundaries when I'd asked them not to.

Equally I'd be horrified if my DP didn't tell me they were depressed. But in a "oh my god, how have I behaved that's made them worried to tell me, don't they know I just want to support them no matter what" kind of way.

You do what you feel you have to get through OP. And when you're feeling a bit stronger, maybe consider whether you actually want to be in a relationship with someone who disrespects you like this

Original poster

PNDsecret · 15/03/2022 15:14

@Loopytiles

Did he do similar things before you had DD?

I would say that yes he probably did, but it didn’t bother me as much. I think nothing ever felt so private before, whereas since DD’s birth I just really hate how he will tell everyone everything. He talks a lot about how nice it is to speak to other dads - and how he needs support too, so I feel it’s hard to balance that against my own preferences (I.e. to keep things private). Sorry if I’m rambling

OP posts:

namechange30455 · 15/03/2022 15:15

@youdoyoutoday

Can you not just have a conversation along the lines of I spoken to a doctor, I have PND and I would really appreciate your support and I would prefer for no one else to know as that would make me feel worse, others knowing my personal stuff?

OP says "I’ve talked to him about this but it doesn’t seem to make any difference", so it sounds like he would just tell all and sundry anyway.

Original poster

PNDsecret · 15/03/2022 15:16

@youdoyoutoday

Can you not just have a conversation along the lines of I spoken to a doctor, I have PND and I would really appreciate your support and I would prefer for no one else to know as that would make me feel worse, others knowing my personal stuff?

I agree that this is the sensible approach. I just don’t know if I 100% trust that it won’t “slip out” at some point and I’m not sure if I could get past that betrayal of trust

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OhMygodddd · 15/03/2022 15:17

I kind of see his point there, women do talk about birth with one another so why can’t dads share their version with other dads, but really depends on what his actually saying, there’s a difference between speaking about something and embarrassing someone.

Don’t tell him if that makes you feel more comfortable, unless you feel you need some support.

Nanny0gg · 15/03/2022 15:17

Women do often share lots of intimate details. It's much rarer for men to do so.

Can you discuss it with him and say he's free to share his own 'stuff' but anything about you - the birth, your PND is your stuff and you don't want it shared?

I must ask though, do you talk to your friends about personal things?

Original poster

PNDsecret · 15/03/2022 15:18

I know I shouldn’t but I feel ashamed about having PND and think people might judge me as a bad mum. I know this is totally irrational as I would never think this about someone else, but it’s hard to not worry about this

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Original poster

PNDsecret · 15/03/2022 15:20

@Nanny0gg

Women do often share lots of intimate details. It's much rarer for men to do so.

Can you discuss it with him and say he's free to share his own 'stuff' but anything about you - the birth, your PND is your stuff and you don't want it shared?

I must ask though, do you talk to your friends about personal things?

I do talk about some things, but I think I definitely try to put a “brave face” on things most of the time. I just don’t want to worry people and I’m not sure how they could help really.

Thank you everyone for replying. It’s really kind of you

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LittleGwyneth · 15/03/2022 15:25

It's entirely your choice, but I think you need to have a conversation about boundaries, whether you tell him or not.

Nanny0gg · 15/03/2022 15:26

@PNDsecret

I know I shouldn’t but I feel ashamed about having PND and think people might judge me as a bad mum. I know this is totally irrational as I would never think this about someone else, but it’s hard to not worry about this

You're right. It is very irrational. No-one is going to think badly of you because of it

youdoyoutoday · 15/03/2022 15:29

Sorry I missed the sentence that said you've spoken to him about this before, DD was jumping on me.

In that case, you need to do what you feel is best for you but that's a big thing to carry on your own. Maybe do the therapy for a bit and discuss it with them.

I know I would feel really upset if my partner thought they couldn't talk to me about stuff for fear of it being broadcasted and its weird your DH can't see that.

margegunderson · 15/03/2022 15:29

I think you need the support your husband could give as you've got a serious mental condition. You may want to tell him that the marriage is over if he breaks confidence on this though.
It is entirely your business, but when I suffered an episode of major depression I did choose to talk about it with others more and more openly. I was probably visibly unwell and there was nothing to be ashamed of, as there is nothing to be ashamed of in your diagnosis. It doesn't reflect at all on your ability as a mother and I don't think anyone else would think that it did.
Hope you start to improve soon.

incognitoforthisone · 15/03/2022 15:38

You mention that your partner has always been one for telling people about stuff, but that you were only really bothered by it after you had your DD. I'm just wondering whether there might be a link there with your PND. I'm not saying there is, or that it's OK for your husband to share stuff you want to keep private, of course - just wondering if there was a possible connection.

Either way - I can understand why you don't want to tell your husband, but at the same time I think he would be much better able to support you and understand you if he knew was the score was. It's very hard to do the right thing for someone, and to behave in a way that's understanding, if you don't know what the problem is.

I think if I were in your situation, I would tell him, but I would also be very honest and say 'There's something else I need to say, and that is that I very nearly didn't feel that I could tell you this, because you keep sharing private things with other people and it really, really hurts me. I should be able to share things like this with you, and be confident that you're not going to tell our friends and family - I shouldn't be in a position where I'm scared to tell my own husband that I've got PND for fear that he'll share that with other people. Can you see why it's so important now that you respect my privacy? And can you promise that you'll respect it now?'

Gowithme · 15/03/2022 15:54

I think his way of dealing with things sounds healthier than yours OP there's no shame in having PND, but he's taking it too far. I don't think keeping secrets in a relationship about something like this is a good idea but at the same time you don't want them announced to the whole world.

He needs to talk about things and you don't want him too - rather than him stopping talking about things related to you (as these are also likely to impact him as well) can you ask him to limit who he talks to (have an agreement about specific people) or to not talk about it with you present if that's what makes you uncomfortable? If you can afford it maybe it would be helpful to him to have a counsellor or therapist to unload onto - your private business might be a bit much for friends to hear every detail of anyway!

Original poster

PNDsecret · 15/03/2022 16:00

@incognitoforthisone

You mention that your partner has always been one for telling people about stuff, but that you were only really bothered by it after you had your DD. I'm just wondering whether there might be a link there with your PND. I'm not saying there is, or that it's OK for your husband to share stuff you want to keep private, of course - just wondering if there was a possible connection.

Either way - I can understand why you don't want to tell your husband, but at the same time I think he would be much better able to support you and understand you if he knew was the score was. It's very hard to do the right thing for someone, and to behave in a way that's understanding, if you don't know what the problem is.

I think if I were in your situation, I would tell him, but I would also be very honest and say 'There's something else I need to say, and that is that I very nearly didn't feel that I could tell you this, because you keep sharing private things with other people and it really, really hurts me. I should be able to share things like this with you, and be confident that you're not going to tell our friends and family - I shouldn't be in a position where I'm scared to tell my own husband that I've got PND for fear that he'll share that with other people. Can you see why it's so important now that you respect my privacy? And can you promise that you'll respect it now?'

I think that’s a fair question. To be honest, I felt like I was just about coping (barely, but just about) until recently when my partner shared a particularly personal detail about the birth with someone and this just brought all of the trauma to the front of my mind - it was like the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I really like how you’ve phrased the last part of your response, this could work I hope. And thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed response, I’m very grateful

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Original poster

PNDsecret · 15/03/2022 16:05

@Gowithme

I think his way of dealing with things sounds healthier than yours OP there's no shame in having PND, but he's taking it too far. I don't think keeping secrets in a relationship about something like this is a good idea but at the same time you don't want them announced to the whole world.

He needs to talk about things and you don't want him too - rather than him stopping talking about things related to you (as these are also likely to impact him as well) can you ask him to limit who he talks to (have an agreement about specific people) or to not talk about it with you present if that's what makes you uncomfortable? If you can afford it maybe it would be helpful to him to have a counsellor or therapist to unload onto - your private business might be a bit much for friends to hear every detail of anyway!

This is fair. I think I would rather he just spoke to his friends about things, but he seems to prefer telling mutual friends of ours which makes me feel very awkward, as these friends aren’t equally forthcoming with private details about their relationship (nor would I expect them to be!) I think he’s socially awkward and compensates by oversharing

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Loopytiles · 15/03/2022 16:13

It’s one thing him seeking support for himself about his own experiences, feelings etc. Including as a birth partner. DH did this from time to time.

It’s another matter sharing details about YOUR very personal information.

It seems probable that if you tell him about your PND he will tell others. Since the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour and he has continued when you’ve asked him to stop doing it.

Other people learning of your PND probably wouldn’t think any differently of you, other than to hope you’ll be well etc, but that’s not the point!