Help to get over ex please?

[Wolfie11]

Sorry kind of posting in AIBU for traffic!

I split with my ex of over 5 years around 9 months ago. There was no big drama around us splitting, no one cheated, we didn’t hate each other and although it was very hard on both of us, it was the right thing to do. So why can I not get over him?! I still think of him every day, I still dream about him sometimes, his photos still pop up on my social media and on my phone and make me feel so sad. I still can’t imagine actually being with anyone else. It wasn’t even that great a relationship, he made me pretty miserable a lot of the time as we weren’t compatible and our lives were very different but I seem to constantly forget this and only seem to remember the good times.

We are still in contact as friends. I don’t know if this is a bad idea, we only speak once a month or so but maybe I should just cut contact for now? Should I delete photos of him/us? I’ve tried to move on and have kissed a couple of guys since and tried online dating but I just have zero interest in it all. We had such a natural spark when we met, it just feels so forced with every other guy.

I feel pathetic writing this but I’m really not a pathetic person. I’ve had two long term relationships previously that I ended and was over them really quickly. I just can’t seem to shake my feelings for him and I’m so so tired of feeling like this. I miss aspects of the life we shared together and I miss the familiarity of him. It was so easy. I’m not sitting at home moping either, I’ve got an amazing child (not his), I’ve got plenty of friends and hobbies and a busy job to keep me occupied but he’s just always there in the back of my mind.

Does anyone have any advice or tips that might help me before I actually go insane?

Definitely stop contact… you are just picking at the scab, reopening old wounds every time you see or speak to him.

I think it’s natural to remember the good times but maybe write down some of the reasons you split, make an effort to remember how miserable you were when you were together and why you weren’t a good forever match.
It is natural to grieve a loss - even when you know it is for the best- so be kind to yourself, it will just take more time.
But it will be easier if you stop contact!

@AddictedToOlives thanks for replying. Yeah I think you’re right and I need to stop contact. Do you think I should delete his number? Delete photos etc? The fact that the thought of doing that makes me feel sick just proves I’m not over this at all. God, I never thought I’d be in this position this far down the line.

No advice but I’m in the same position, so you have my sympathy and solidarity. It’s so tough. Especially the dreams. I can push him out of my mind in the daytime, but the dreams - especially when he’s nice to me or god forbid they involve kissing etc - are heartbreaking to wake up from.

I’m only 3 months on from a 9 year relationship and have had no contact but I still cry pretty much every day. It’s grief and I keep telling myself that it will take a few months, if not years, to get over. When I split from my XH before this one I was dating again within 3-4 months, but there’s no way I’m ready for that yet this time.

Like you I miss the ease and familiarity of him. I can’t imagine ever feeling that way about someone else. But I also know there were too many incompatibilities for this to work long term.

Make a list on your phone of all the bad points about him, the relationship, things that happened etc. it does help to reread it when you’re feeling nostalgic.

It will take time and you may well always have love for him, but you split for a reason so hold onto that and don’t try to deny the love, just feel it and acknowledge that it wasn’t enough

@Wolfie11 & @RoyKentsChestHair - looks like a troll reopened the thread… so I was wondering how are you both doing? Hope you’re healing ok?

Hello, thanks for checking in. Well this year has been an absolute shitshow tbh but I’m finally getting on top of it!

I spent the next 3 months after posting here in a deep depression, just started to come out of it and then accidentally butt dialled the ex while on holiday!!

That opened up a whole can of worms, with me begging him to come back, sleeping with him, and then him freaking out and dropping me like a hot stone again .

So I’m now on anti depressants, and feeling much better for it. Been on a few dates, even had sex with one of them which was great!

Another 4/5 months have passed and I’m over him. Then I went into an old app and had to sign him out of it. Noticed another woman’s name on his account.

He texted me the next day, must have noticed my login, and I had a slight wobble, made some old in-jokes and felt a pang of sadness, but was able to let it go in a day, rather than hang onto the pain any longer. He said he had thought about popping in recently to say hi and I said “please don’t ever do that!” - can you imagine ?! - then he asked if it was ok to text me and I said I’d rather not, so that’s growth I think!

How are you doing?