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Original poster

Feeling totally lost/dissatisfied with my life

14 replies

polkadot25 · 14/03/2022 12:56

Ok, I have never posted on here before but I feel if I do not at least get my feelings out, I'm going to burst. Anyone feeling the same as me, if anyone has any advice then please shout out so I know I'm not losing my mind.

Is there anyone else out there who is feeling like I do; lost and completely dissatisfied with their lives? I am going to be brutally honest in this post, so apologies if I come across as opinionated or up myself but I can not do this and not be honest.

A bit of background, I am approaching 40 and for a while now I have had this constant nagging feeling of being so unhappy. There doesn't seem to be a single cause, just a lot of little things that have built up over years and years. I am married with one child (a daughter). I left home at 18 and went to uni where I did my degree and then went onto to get a PhD in a scientific field. I lived in my uni town for 10 years and then moved to where I currently live and have been here for nearly 10 years now. During this time I have gotten married and had my daughter who is now 9. Life (on paper) is good. I have a good job, my family are healthy, we have no mortgage and plenty of money in the bank.

BUT, I am just not happy. I know this sounds terrible given what I have just said about my current situation but I can not shake this feeling off. During my uni days (most of my 20's), I was the life and soul of the party. I looked great and just had this zing for life. I used to walk into a room, and turn heads. I loved it and knew I could command a room with just my appearance especially if there were men there. What I am trying to say is I was f**king hot and I knew it! Now I feel like a shadow of my former self. I do not recognise myself anymore and it breaks my heart. I have put on a bit of weight, I'm not massively over weight but heavier than I was and I just don't feel like that anymore. If anything, it's the opposite, I have very little confidence. I know I can't walk round thinking like I did in my 20's forever, but just a fraction of that would be nice. Now I feel past it.

My husband lost his job during Covid and since then we have agreed that he will stay at home to look after our little girl. Even though she's in school, childcare outside of school hours is so expensive. He is a wonderful husband; does all the washing, cleans the house, cooks dinner, great in bed but lately I feel differently towards him, like all this isn't enough. I think I maybe resent the fact he stays home and I have to go to work? I don't know? I didn't feel like this when we agreed to him staying at home. I was happy with it and it made perfect sense.

He has this habit of snapping at me for no reason at all, and can be really patronising towards me which I have explained to him really upsets me, but I just get accused of over reacting/being too sensitive which almost always descends into an argument. Despite all of his wonderful traits, this bad trait seems to undo all of the good ones in my eyes. Am I being unreasonable? He did it again this morning and I just didn't have the energy to fight back. I left for work feeling so low and cried for most of the commute.

I don't have a relationship with my mother and not a great one with my father. They divorced some 30 years ago and the pair of them are just nothing but a disappointment. My dad is an alcoholic but has never admitted or sought any help for this which has all but destroyed my relationship with him. My mother was emotionally abusive towards me (and my siblings) as a child so I don't have anything to do with her anymore. I have lost touch with all of my uni friends and only stay in touch (sporadically) with one of my school friends. I don't have any friends of my own where I live, my social circle is made up of my husband's friends. They are all lovely people, but not my own friends, if you know what I mean?

Work - well it is stressful at times. I am the boss so everyone comes to me for everything. The responsibility overwhelms me some days and causes me a lot of anxiety. I feel like quitting most days but where I live, the job market isn't great. I have no drive and get distracted so easily while I am supposed to be working. Simple mundane tasks can take me all day as I am just not interested anymore. I have almost zero concentration and my short term memory is terrible. My boss and the directors of the business think I'm doing a wonderful job, but I just feel like I'm failing every day.

I do think rationally, I know that a lot of what I say is complete rubbish, but I can not pull myself out of this mental blackhole I am in. I just wish I could be grateful for what I do have but I find it next to impossible to think like this. The only thing I am truly happy with is my daughter. She is the only thing that I truly care about but why isn't that enough to stop me feeling like this? I should be happy with no cares in the world.

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks. X

OP posts:
beckycharlie · 14/03/2022 13:09

I get exactly what you mean! I've put it down to the fact life has pretty much been on hold for 2 years with covid so I've just had to put up with things and now it's getting back to normal so I need to change what feels like every aspect of my life! I feel exhausted at the thought of it, feel like I'm stuck at a crossroads and no idea which way to turn.

BambinaJAS · 14/03/2022 13:09

What you need is life counselling.

This is precisely what a therapist is for.

Your expectations from life are not matching up with the reality of your life.

Thats what causes the unhappiness.

The answer is simple given that you have no health issues:

Live in present. Stop daydreaming about the past.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/03/2022 13:12

Getting rid of your disrespectful husband would help immensely.

lemongreentea · 14/03/2022 13:20

you are unhappy because your husband is not meeting your expections. your parents also.

either adjust your expecations or cut the all loose. therapy is a start. work on your fitness. apreciate the problems you DON'T have. good luck.

Sunpotter · 14/03/2022 13:31

I think you need a big change. A shake up. The current routine is not working for you and a counsellor can't help with that.

Can you change jobs/go part-time and your husband get a job, so you can split earning and childcare more evenly? Could you afford to have potentially lower household income if you did this?

I honestly think you're bored/unsatisfied with the realities of your situation. I've been there myself.

You get joy from your daughter so need more of that, work is not working for you so change that. Husband is trickier, how was it when you were both working? Was he unpleasant to you then? Is there a previous healthier dynamic to restore? Counselling can help with that.

Do you have a fulfilling hobby?

MatildaTheCat · 14/03/2022 13:35

I attended a Muslim wedding recently and the Imam gave a really good address about marriage and the need to regularly review and reassess your relationship. You aren’t happy at home. This is causing you to function less well in other areas.

Consider some counselling to look at what might help. Talk to your DH and tell him how much you hate the way he speaks to you. Perhaps he’s also very unhappy and should return to work.

Also, if you don’t already do so, make space in your life for time to yourself and to look after yourself. If you were smoking hot in your twenties I’m pretty much sure there’s an attractive woman in there.

Original poster
polkadot25 · 14/03/2022 13:36

I suppose the expectations thing is something I hadn't thought of. We are all see the picture postcard images of life in magazines. I used to think I was immune to all that glossy mag BS, but maybe not? My husband is a wonderful man and a great father. It's just this side of him that outshines the good qualities.
I have had periods of my life where I was happy. When my daughter was between about 1 and 4, these were the happiest years of my life. I remember feeling so content but something has changed since then. Even before Covid, I was starting to feel like this, so it's not just the circumstances of the last 2 years that have done this. They haven't helped either though.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/03/2022 13:41

My husband is a wonderful man and a great father.

No, he isn't. He wouldn't treat you like this if he were.

BambinaJAS · 14/03/2022 14:03

TBH,

The real problem is that you don't have a social circle of your own were you live.

It also looks like you miss being the center of attention.

Those two things link up.

What you need is to find your circle of friends were you live.

I doubt very much your husband is the cause of the acrimony. You are lonely so you end up sniping at him, and it just snowballs from there.

Original poster
polkadot25 · 14/03/2022 14:16

@Sunpotter

I think you need a big change. A shake up. The current routine is not working for you and a counsellor can't help with that.

Can you change jobs/go part-time and your husband get a job, so you can split earning and childcare more evenly? Could you afford to have potentially lower household income if you did this?

I honestly think you're bored/unsatisfied with the realities of your situation. I've been there myself.

You get joy from your daughter so need more of that, work is not working for you so change that. Husband is trickier, how was it when you were both working? Was he unpleasant to you then? Is there a previous healthier dynamic to restore? Counselling can help with that.

Do you have a fulfilling hobby?

Yes, all of these are a possibility I suppose regarding my working arrangement. Giving up the security of a full time job is scary as hell though especially with a limited job market. Moving is an option but it would really disrupt my daughter. Me and my husband have always been prone to narks. He is opinionated which in itself is fine, but he's not good at keeping these to himself sometimes. He seems to think he can voice his opinion whenever wherever he likes, regardless of how it may come across or make someone feel. I've always struggled with this. It hasn't gotten any better or worse since he lost his job.
OP posts:
Babyboomtastic · 17/03/2022 10:35

You're complaining about the cost of childcare, whilst saying in another thread that you have a good income and no mortgage, and that's on your wage alone as your husband is a SAHP.

How absolutely entitled are you!

Ponoka7 · 17/03/2022 10:45

I think that around 40, a lot of women start to take stock. There's also the move towards the peri-menopause. I complained on your other thread about being my DD's childcare, bit they do also give me a lot of joy. It's about revaluating what's important, what makes us happy and fitting in fun. I've also had to accept ageing. I was also beautiful, you've got to learn to be happy in the skin you are in. You'll sort this out over the next few years. Your late 40's/50's can actually be easier than the time period that you are in now. You're just a bit vulnerable, so need to self care.

Deedee121 · 17/03/2022 11:02

Go to a life coach. They are brilliant. I've been to one and it's such a game changer I've started studying to become one. Life Coaching is action orientated and focuses on the present and the future

LoyalSwan · 23/03/2025 22:10

polkadot25 · 14/03/2022 12:56

Ok, I have never posted on here before but I feel if I do not at least get my feelings out, I'm going to burst. Anyone feeling the same as me, if anyone has any advice then please shout out so I know I'm not losing my mind.

Is there anyone else out there who is feeling like I do; lost and completely dissatisfied with their lives? I am going to be brutally honest in this post, so apologies if I come across as opinionated or up myself but I can not do this and not be honest.

A bit of background, I am approaching 40 and for a while now I have had this constant nagging feeling of being so unhappy. There doesn't seem to be a single cause, just a lot of little things that have built up over years and years. I am married with one child (a daughter). I left home at 18 and went to uni where I did my degree and then went onto to get a PhD in a scientific field. I lived in my uni town for 10 years and then moved to where I currently live and have been here for nearly 10 years now. During this time I have gotten married and had my daughter who is now 9. Life (on paper) is good. I have a good job, my family are healthy, we have no mortgage and plenty of money in the bank.

BUT, I am just not happy. I know this sounds terrible given what I have just said about my current situation but I can not shake this feeling off. During my uni days (most of my 20's), I was the life and soul of the party. I looked great and just had this zing for life. I used to walk into a room, and turn heads. I loved it and knew I could command a room with just my appearance especially if there were men there. What I am trying to say is I was f**king hot and I knew it! Now I feel like a shadow of my former self. I do not recognise myself anymore and it breaks my heart. I have put on a bit of weight, I'm not massively over weight but heavier than I was and I just don't feel like that anymore. If anything, it's the opposite, I have very little confidence. I know I can't walk round thinking like I did in my 20's forever, but just a fraction of that would be nice. Now I feel past it.

My husband lost his job during Covid and since then we have agreed that he will stay at home to look after our little girl. Even though she's in school, childcare outside of school hours is so expensive. He is a wonderful husband; does all the washing, cleans the house, cooks dinner, great in bed but lately I feel differently towards him, like all this isn't enough. I think I maybe resent the fact he stays home and I have to go to work? I don't know? I didn't feel like this when we agreed to him staying at home. I was happy with it and it made perfect sense.

He has this habit of snapping at me for no reason at all, and can be really patronising towards me which I have explained to him really upsets me, but I just get accused of over reacting/being too sensitive which almost always descends into an argument. Despite all of his wonderful traits, this bad trait seems to undo all of the good ones in my eyes. Am I being unreasonable? He did it again this morning and I just didn't have the energy to fight back. I left for work feeling so low and cried for most of the commute.

I don't have a relationship with my mother and not a great one with my father. They divorced some 30 years ago and the pair of them are just nothing but a disappointment. My dad is an alcoholic but has never admitted or sought any help for this which has all but destroyed my relationship with him. My mother was emotionally abusive towards me (and my siblings) as a child so I don't have anything to do with her anymore. I have lost touch with all of my uni friends and only stay in touch (sporadically) with one of my school friends. I don't have any friends of my own where I live, my social circle is made up of my husband's friends. They are all lovely people, but not my own friends, if you know what I mean?

Work - well it is stressful at times. I am the boss so everyone comes to me for everything. The responsibility overwhelms me some days and causes me a lot of anxiety. I feel like quitting most days but where I live, the job market isn't great. I have no drive and get distracted so easily while I am supposed to be working. Simple mundane tasks can take me all day as I am just not interested anymore. I have almost zero concentration and my short term memory is terrible. My boss and the directors of the business think I'm doing a wonderful job, but I just feel like I'm failing every day.

I do think rationally, I know that a lot of what I say is complete rubbish, but I can not pull myself out of this mental blackhole I am in. I just wish I could be grateful for what I do have but I find it next to impossible to think like this. The only thing I am truly happy with is my daughter. She is the only thing that I truly care about but why isn't that enough to stop me feeling like this? I should be happy with no cares in the world.

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks. X

I know this was posted a while ago but I wanted to ask how things are now? Whether you managed to overcome this and if so how? I could have almost written this myself!

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