To ask whether it’s actually more common for people to struggle to make friends than we like to admit?

[NoFriendsNoEnemies]

I’ve always struggled to make friends. I’m outgoing, confident, but I also have a disability and I have always been led to believe that it should be up to others to want to be friends with me rather than the other way around.

Obviously there were the usual school mum friends etc but they drift as the kids get older, and we moved just as the youngest was going into secondary, so even school mums weren’t around, and when we moved I didn’t have a job and then fell ill so wasn’t able to get one.

My then DH had friends, but they were all his and he didn’t really like me having friends anyway, which is partly why we moved so often. He also used to frequently say that he wondered why nobody liked me.

Anyway that’s the background. I’ve pretty much grown up believing that friendships are for others, and although sometimes I wish I had a group of friends to do things with, I think I’ve spent so much of my life not having one that I would probably feel completely like a fish out of water.

Obviously the impression a lot of people give is that they all have these groups of friends or are always out for coffee with this one or that one and so on, but then I frequently read posts on here from people who struggle to make friends, all in different circumstances.

So is it that a lot more people actually do find it hard to make friends? Or is it that I just see those posts because I am one of them?

I think you definitely hit a wall in your 30s when it's suddenly much harder as most people are quite set in their lives. And with the new friends you do make it can all feel a bit superficial because you don't have that shared history. Or you just talk about your childen.

It's easy to become friends with some people, harder with others. It depends how introverted the person is and what their expectations from a friendship are. MN has taught me that people have very different expectations from friends.

If you want a super close best friend then of course that will take a while.

I agree with you. I’ve found it very hard to form and maintain friendships as I’ve got older. I think proximity and convenience is a much bigger factor than we realise.

I also think that the cultural tropes of friendship groups (Friends/Big Bang) where all your friends get on with each other is a nonsense. Just because two people like me, is no guarantee that they’ll tolerate each other.

Your dh sounds like he was a nasty little man. That kind of poison dripping in your ear takes its toll.

I've got a few friends who I've known a lifetime, but new ones are difficult to find. Apart from which, I value my own company and would find it hard to spend lots of time with other people.

I think it’s a bit of a taboo too. Like nobody admits it, and also nobody accepts it - they always say «oh come on, you’ve got loads of friends, what about ?» and then name someone you haven’t seen in 10 years or someone you work with and aren’t really friends with…!

I struggle too, I don’t understand other humans very well unless in a focus context like work or achieving a task together.

Stay true to yourself, take part in activities outside the house you enjoy and you’ll make friends. If you’ve always wanted to learn french go to french classes, if you like wine go to tastings. Don’t do things you don’t like as you won’t find like minded people.

Volunteer if you can and you’ll meet people who are happy to do something for nothing so generally kindhearted.

I used to have a few circles but after I separated a couple of years ago the whole lot abandoned me, without warning and with no discussion. Oh, one person asked me for a drink, we went, I thought it was fine, but never another word. Nowt. Haven’t managed to build any other friendships of any depth since, DP does but all to do with a hobby I don’t share. I really don’t know where to start as life is full of DC and work so my opportunities are limited.

OP are you still with this controller?

I hope when you say then DH that means you've split?
Because all this moving and telling you people didn't like you and blocking your efforts to make and keep friends is abusive.
I think you are right, it is partly as a pp said, the older people get the more set they are in their lives and friendships and less time they have for fitting new people in.
Also it is difficult to put ourselves out there as adults, in school/uni/new jobs there is an expectation of talking to and getting to know people that everyone has so even if your shy or lacking confidence people will talk to you and invitations are often open.
I work from home and am friendly with my colleagues but don't meet any outside work, I have old friends from school/uni but haven't made any new friends in years!
To be honest I have difficulty meeting up with current friends but if I met someone I was simpatico with I would make the effort.
It's just not on my radar at the minute though, I'm busy trying to re-connect with the people I knew before all the lockdowns.

It is hard I agree. I have a few friends but they're not a group, all separates. I find groups hard. Also when I've tried to link them up it doesn't always work, 2 of my closest friends had a major conflict one evening out, too much hard work so never again.

Another close friend has a mate I just don't get on with so she has to see us separately, I make no apologies for this. I don't like the woman and to be honest I think she uses my friend a bit but she can make her own choices.

To PP’s, no I’m not with him any more. We actually split not long after we moved here, partly because moving had left me so isolated, his life didn’t change apart from his address,as we moved for his job, but mine changed completely as I moved away from everyone I knew.

Although the downside was that once we split I had to stay here as it would have been unfair to move the DC away from him. Ironic really since they’re now very low contact with him. In hindsight I wish I’d moved back but hindsight is 20/20 as they say. I stayed because I felt it was best for the DC.

Hi op. Just wondering why it should be others who want to be friends with you. I’ve got quite a few friends, and often (not always) I’ve made the first move. There have been times I have made the first move and the person hasn’t been interested so I just politely move onZ

Hi op. Just wondering why it should be others who want to be friends with you. I’ve got quite a few friends, and often (not always) I’ve made the first move. There have been times I have made the first move and the person hasn’t been interested so I just politely move onZ I have always been brought up to believe that if people wanted to be friends with me then they would make the first move. I suppose a bit like dating iyswim.

I have made the first move in the past, and I have had friends who I have offered support to and vice versa, but the reaction from others e.g. my family and my ex has always been along the lines of wondering why they would want to be friends with me and not someone else. So it’s always felt as if I was doing something wrong.

Sorry bold fail.

Sounds like you've been surrounded by arseholes holding you back.

"Why would they want to be friends with you?" is such a very stupid question!! We all need friends and there is no LOGIC to why we like some people and not others.

I think you sound like a very friendly person and if you could shake off the frankly weird attitudes of your ex and family, you'd find friends soon enough.

@BowerOfBramble

Sounds like you've been surrounded by arseholes holding you back.

"Why would they want to be friends with you?" is such a very stupid question!! We all need friends and there is no LOGIC to why we like some people and not others.

I think you sound like a very friendly person and if you could shake off the frankly weird attitudes of your ex and family, you'd find friends soon enough.

It does sound like that.

I often make the first move in friendships, too. I’ve also moved around a lot, and I actively work at finding people I like in a new place. (Obviously it’s not always reciprocated, but that’s ok too.) Also, OP, I grew up with some terrible messages from my (friendless) parents about friendships, and had to work at shedding them in adulthood — it can be done.

If you can end a marriage that is making you miserable, you can certainly make new friends. They’re not some arcane thing only other people have.

If you are still living in isolation I would seriously consider moving back to where you prefer to live. Your ex can visit the DC and they will be better off with a happier mother.

It takes confidence to initiate social contact. Rather than looking for friends maybe just think about getting to know more people? Friendships evolve over long periods of time. They require some effort and compromise. The vast majority of people do want and need other people in their lives. Join things, smile and speak to people when you can and very gradually you can build up a few people you can go to places with and have chats that go beyond the weather but it does take time.

I think surveys have shown most people don't have many, if any, close friends.

Having said that ime you do have to put in quite a lot of effort in later adulthood as a fair chunk of people have some friends already on top of their family and work commitments.

It sounds like circumstances were against you earlier in life.

Do not write yourself off.

My son is certainly struggling. He's at Uni, so in theory should be making lots of friends, but he really isn't. Last year (year 1) was a complete write off due to there being no face to face teaching, campus was virtually all locked up and in darkness for most of the academic year due to the lockdowns etc, even the library and the campus cafes etc were closed too. So basically he was stuck in his Uni flat with a random group of flatmates. He got on OK with them, but none actually became friends, more acquaintances he'd talk to in passing, but none of them did anything together. Now he's half way through year 2 and he's still not making friends. He tried joining a few clubs/societies and joined a sports team, but says no one seems interested in making friends. Likewise he now has occasional lectures/seminars (most still online only!) but due to restricted numbers, they're not sitting next to each other, so not easy to get chatting. He made a few acquaintances in lectures/seminars last term, but when the modules changed for the second term, he's lost contact with them, and not even got chatting to anyone in his current modules.

I really feel for him. They're fed the line that everyone makes lifelong friends at Uni, but mainly due to covid, his current cohort don't seem to be making friends as they missed out on the year 1 experience, i.e. freshers week, clubs & societies exhibitions etc. I can see him leaving Uni next year still not having made any "real" friends. He's now looking forward to starting work in the hope he may meet some friends at work!

I feel for the current group of students.

@DaffodilsPlus

I feel for the current group of students.

Yes, indeed, DS face-timed me from his college common room the other evening as he'd gone down to watch a football match on the big screen. He was the only one there! He did a twirl with his phone to show it empty. It's difficult to try to make friends when there's no one around. Not surprising, though, as his college's common room remained closed and bolted for the full academic year 20/21, even during the breaks between lockdowns when it could have opened.

Two of the clubs/societies he joined never got started - not even managed a single event. Apparently, they're usually run by second/third years who know how they operate etc, but because of covid stopping them running for over a year, last years' students who'd usually take over this year weren't involved, so many clubs/societies have just died out.

I'm lucky - I have the same friends from when I was at school and from my clubbing years. Our children (now adults) are also friends. My ex H and I share the same friends and I'm friends with his partner and him with mine. I'm off to meet my friend of 30 years for lunch tomorrow and to stay with another friend who moved away, at the weekend (who I've known since I was 14 and I'm 50 now!)