I don’t think there is any reasonable answer here but wondering what you would do…
My dad died nearly 20 years ago: I’m one of 4. My mother inherited dads estate (as normal), bulk of the house etc went to my brother (several 100k, which I’ve been vocal I think is unfair but can do nothing about : dad’s rationale is my brother is a lower earner than the daughters), & 3 daughters got a small equal to each other sum of each (less than 20k)
Here is the falling out: I have 1 older, 1 younger sister. Turns out both are angry that my mother has given me a family item (a camera from the 60s). Value is about £150 but it’s obviously the sentiment that is causing the frustration
I’ve not kept this a secret: they both saw it while visiting my home. My mother gave this to me 3-4 years ago as a gift. Apparently both sisters think this is ‘unfair’, & oldest that I should have consulted her before asking for and then accepting it. My mother has been upset by this argument (they started talking about this at a get together in Saturday apparently- mum & 2 sisters), and so am I. The item cannot be split apart, and I’ve already said I will give to nephew/nieces eventually (I don’t & won’t have DC, 1 sister does, 1 is TTC)
My issue is: we have all received gifts from both our parents in their lifetimes (incl jewellery etc so sentimental stuff). It has not been easy for my mum to divide the heirlooms (eg my dads wedding ring, watch etc cannot be carved up: these items will not go to me in the future).
I think part of the issue is I also have some other small household items we used as children given to me by my mother when I set up my 1st home while dad was still alive (knives and forks, bowls etc - from 70s/80s. Typical charity shop stuff really). It seems that seeing the items in use while staying with me has set both of my sisters off. I also inherited a small item of furniture from family house that was always in my childhood bedroom, so apparently I have several items, but it’s because I have been given all I will inherit while ‘their’ items are still in my mothers possession.
Both sisters lived in the family home at the time of the death (1 had not left and lived there for a further 10 years, 1 temporarily for about 18 months between selling & buying a house): so why didn’t they ask my mum for items they wanted then while they were helping her clear out the house, or simply start using things in the house? For context we disposed of 6 skips worth of stuff - clothes, tools, household items, all sorts
Younger sister complained last week that she ‘didn’t even have a handkerchief of dads’ (she thought a hanky that I’d bought and was using was one of my dads so it’s clearly on her mind that I have various items). Meanwhile she was helping my mum dispose of all of this stuff! Oldest sister also says she has nothing: but is likely to inherit various items as oldest child (jewellery etc, which my mum has already divided/labelled to avoid arguments after her death).
I’m extremely annoyed with both of my sisters for bringing this up: the youngest partly as I have been and am very financially generous to her (to the tune of several thousand: I earn a lot more) so think she should give her head a wobble.
I’m annoyed with the oldest because she apparently thinks it’s ‘fair’ & ‘our parents decision’ that my brother got nearly the whole estate but is angry I did not ask her before accepting this camera from my mum! She had a difficult relationship with our dad which obviously has an impact but I don’t think I should have to bear the brunt now. Eldest has also accused me of taking items from the house & hiding them away : which is simply not true.
I’m particularly angry about this as my mum downsized a couple of years ago and got rid of almost a whole house of contents (which they helped her dispose of). Dad was also a major hoarder so there was absolutely no shortage of sentimental stuff, household goods etc, plus we all received loads of lasting birthday/Xmas gifts. (I was not involved in clearing the house as live in another city)
What would you do in this situation? Mum has already sad she’s made her decision and is sticking to it. I feel like this is going to cause lots of tension that I don’t need, but also that this is my mum’s decision and both of my sisters are stirring pointlessly
I could give the camera to one of my sisters or share some of these household items, but frankly I feel if they only now appreciate this a decade on then too late, and they disposed of plenty of things I would have kept, so I feel disinclined to.
We are normally close, speak daily & meet often but right now I’d happily never speak to either ever again! (Brother is wisely staying out of it)
TLDR: family heirlooms can’t be sliced up, I’ve been given mine, theirs are coming. So why even bring it up to cause ill feeling?
WWYD? AIBU?