Intrusive thoughts are ruining my life - please help?

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I had my toddler two years ago and my mental health had been utter sh*t ever since. I was diagnosed with postnatal depression and postpartum OCD six months after giving birth. I have a therapist, I have had CBT (albeit 18 months ago), I have a psychiatrist... and, my world just feels upside down.

I have had intrusive thoughts non-stop for the past six months, about one specific fear. I won’t go into detail about what that is because I find it triggering but it involves me being separated from my DS.

Every single day I have different ‘What if’ thoughts, ruminating on past actions, ruminating on whether something I’ve done is wrong; intrusive images in my mind, it’s constant.

At the end of last year I was admitted to the Crisis team for a few weeks for extra support.

Nobody except my partner knows I am feeling like this because when others found out I had PND, I wasn’t met with a lot of support and was made to feel like a crap mum.

I am currently overworked and exhausted. My partner is a stay-at-home dad while I run a business. My clients have increased from 4-23 in the space of 11 months and I have just been relieved to be able to pay off some of the substantial debt I landed us in due to a previous failed business. It has been nice to have some breathing space but to be honest I wish I could do just nothing and be with my DS all day long.

I’m trying my best to just get on with things but I’m struggling to distract myself from the thoughts. I’m sitting here near tears because I’m convinced something bad is going to happen.

As mentioned, I have a therapist, a psychiatrist (who has cancelled the last two appointments so I haven’t seen since December) and I am on medication - pregabalin, lamotrogine (bipolar disorder), aripriprazole and lurasidone.

To the other people it looks like there’s nothing wrong, but internally I am not coping.

Please can anyone offer advice as to what to do next. I’m so scared my thoughts are going to become a reality.

Bump

I haven’t got advice as such, but it sounds like you need a rest. Appreciate its hard when you’re a business owner, but I think you should seriously look at taking a sabbatical. Your tiredness won’t help your mental health and that needs to be a priority right now.

What advice have the therapist and psychiatrist given? Could you ask for another appointment given you are struggling and you have missed the last two due to them being cancelled?

My therapist basically calms my fears during the appointment but then they come back even stronger afterwards because it’s pandering to the OCD. But I need that reassurance so badly. I’m going to call my mental health team on Monday for an appointment. I literally just came off quetiapine because it was making me drowsy. I absolutely do need a rest - I wish I could just switch off for a while but my mind is racing a mile a minute atm.

OP I know how you feel I have had OCD my whole adult life, it's so draining. It's hard to explain to others as alot of people just don't understand it. My ocd got to a point where it was very severe that it effected every aspect of my life. I recommend a book called Freedom from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by Jonathan Grayson. He is an expert in the field of OCD. It's the best book I have read on OCD. It has helped me alot and improved my OCD more than the CBT I had with 2 different therapists. Hope things get better for you

OP, I’m not at the same level as you but my intrusive thoughts are 100 times worse when I’m very tired. Is there any way you can get some rest? I know it’s hard to do with a toddler.

Just accept them. Don't get anxious or they will get worse. You won't end up acting out any of your thoughts at all so do not worry. You've got this.

I’m sorry OP, intrusive thoughts are a living hell. I went through a period of extreme anxiety/OCD and wouldn’t wish it on anyone. You say you have had CBT, was it helpful? That’s the thing that eventually helped me (psychotherapy made it worse) I totally understand that craving for reassurance but OCD thrives on reassurance-seeking, you have to get to the point where you can allow those thoughts and fears to exist without trying to disprove them. Easier said than done I know. I had to pretend I didn’t care if my fears were true or not and it feels horrible, but once you stop feeding them they start to lose their grip on you.

Hello I really struggled with intrusive thoughts for years but I have recovered. It is possible but it takes work and you need support.

I found the only way to cope with them was to talk about it to take the power away from the thoughts and to truly welcome them in. I used to have to say to myself these are my thoughts but they are just thoughts. My thoughts were awful I was ashamed of them and thought it made me a bad person and Mum. However, you don’t have any control over your thoughts and the anxiety plays on you not wanting to discuss it or even think about it. The more you try and push them away, the more likely they will stick around.

Can your DH not pick up some of the slack so you can take some time off? Or reduce your hours? Your health needs to take priority.

Happy to DM if it helps.

Do you have any CBT techniques you can use to help. Would it help if you parked the issue mentally eg respond “the situation I am concerned about is not happening right now. If it does happen I will deal with it then”.

The idea is to stop you engaging with the thought and getting into a spiral.

Could your partner help out with the business so you get a bit more time with your DS? Perhaps that would help?
I've had intrusive thoughts since my daughter was born, nothing as bad as you are experiencing, but they are horrible. I hope you find a way to get some rest

I was poorly with Generalised Anxiety Disorder a couple of years ago and part of that was intrusive thoughts and OCD thoughts which also involved my children. It was the most awful and scary thing I have ever been through. I had CBT and was put on citalopram and I did a lot of my own research and reading on it all. It took many many months but I gradually got better and my thoughts went back to normal. Now I’m much better at making sure I look after myself, don’t take on too much and listen to my body when I need to rest/ retreat from the world for a bit. I’m not sure how to help as you seem to be doing all the right things but you can and will get through it, I didn’t think I was ever going to feel normal again it was such a dark time but it did pass in the end x

I’m so scared my thoughts are going to become a reality.

This is what your ocd wants you to believe. I’ve battled intrusive thoughts for years. And I know it’s hard but the only advice I can give is do not feed the thoughts. The less attention you give them, the smaller they become. It’s hard, so so so hard but it works.

Couldn't read and run OP.
You sound exhausted and I know exactly how draining these thoughts can be.
A fabulous therapist I seen once told me to turn my "what if's" into "so what's".
Eg What if I have a panic attack in the supermarket and can't cope?
Became...
"So what if I have a panic attack in the supermarket. I can leave anytime I want and go home or go a get some fresh air before coming back."

It was such a powerful tool for reframing intrusive thoughts. As she said at the time, the phrase "what if" is so disempowering.

xx