How move past not having a third child?

[womaninthepinkdress]

Posting for traffic.

We have been trying for a third since last summer and it's not happened for us. More recently we have found out DC1 is autistic (DC2 could possibly have it too, but is too young to tell yet).

DH now feels like we should focus on the kids we already have, which I totally understand.

I know it's entirely irrational but I feel incredibly sad/depressed about not having a third. How do I move on?

Anyone?

Bumping for you - otherwise re-post in chat

I wanted two DC and had one. I've found focussing really hard on what I do have, not what I don't, helps. I still have the odd pang, but am generally happy with what I have. Time also helps. The further you get from the baby stage, the less attractive going back there seems. Its not easy though.

I can’t have any so appreciate how lucky you have been.

Be thankful for the 2 that you have. Look at them everyday and focus all your attention on doing the best for them. I only had one.

My eldest has autism (and adhd and tourettes) and frankly, she finds her siblings more of an annoyance and a hindrance - she rarely manages to be nice to them and I spend my time trying to keep them safe from her outbursts, both physical & verbal. If I’d known then, what I know now, I probably wouldn’t have had any more DC after her at all. I love them all, but they don’t have an easy life, and neither do I, because of her. It may well be a blessing in disguise OP

You have 2 children - so more fortunate that couples that would like children but are unable to. It sounds as if the two that you have will require a lot of your time and attention - focus on them.

** More recently we have found out DC1 is autistic (DC2 could possibly have it too, but is too young to tell yet).

DH now feels like we should focus on the kids we already have, which I totally understand.**

^In light of the news about your existing children and autism I completely agree with your husband.

It sounds like you already have enough going on. If you have a third they may have autism too as it looks like there is a strong genetic component in your family. Maybe think about your reasons for wanting a child?

Grieve for what you had hoped to have.

Appreciating what you do have isn't mutually exclusive with grieving for what you won't.

Time does help

Ideally, I would have loved a large family. Now I find I thank my lucky stars we only had two. It is easier to work toward building a secure future for two in an increasingly unstable world. There are immediate challenges on our doorstep right now, and the changes that are coming over the hill as a result of climate change will definitely impact my children and their quality of life. Just looking at how this is playing out elsewhere on the planet where livelihoods are under threat and displacement a fact of life makes me shudder for my DC. This will be the reality for DC born in this generation. One of mine also has SEND, and considering support and provision for them into adulthood is a real concern.
Try to focus on the joy which is your present children, picture them in a future where you have done what you can to make them resilient, secure and resourceful. It is hard when there is a feeling that there could / should have been more, and I really sympathise.

Your DH is right. Grieve what you could have had if you need to, but really, if you have 1 maybe 2 autistic children it is a bit irresponsible trying for a third, who might well have autism too. Concentrate on what you have.

@BashfulClam

I can’t have any so appreciate how lucky you have been.

This. Appreciate what you have - gratitude practice.