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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

cannot believe it but i am thinking of leaving dh

12 replies

IndigoMoon · 05/01/2008 01:37

sad thing is i love him so much, the problem is his family.

i actually said to my friends the other day he is so lovely but there is the family to contend with and i am not sure how many would have stood it.

he is one of four brothers.

first brother - lovely
second brother - twat, stole from us, snubbed us, snubbed my children
third brother - total nutjob, did improve a while back and i actually began to think things were ok but then he got funny again and got drunk and violent at our house and threatened me with physical violence and then fought with dh and our friend, police were called. it was horrible.

despite this he still sticks with them.

the main problem is that in june his third brother seemed much calmer and saner and over his mh issues so we all booked a holiday for may of this year. my mom and dad and his dad are also coming as well as me and two children.

in november we had the big thing with third brother, i have had to tolerate him all christmas and he is not well. not well at all. he is drinking more than ever and i dont want him to come on the holiday.

we have just all gone out for a "family" night - it was ok but all the tensions, all the falseness and b3 being a twat.

have come home and said i am not sure how much longer i can deal with being treated like shit and him not standing up for us. despite the problem in november he hardly said a word to his brother, not a word. its got to the point now where i am tired of coming second best. he said he is not telling his brother he cannot come but will gladly tell his adaughter that the holiday is cancelled.

i am lost.

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drivinmecrazy · 05/01/2008 01:52

you really don't want to leave him, but the situation. I haven't been through this much shit with in laws but I do know that men are soooo weak when it comes to their family.
I am shite at giving advice but didn't want your message to go un-answered.
If you love him, his family are secondary to your family unit. Is he a good father/husband when he is away from his AWFUL family????

IndigoMoon · 05/01/2008 01:59

He is a very good husband and father, but he is never really away from there.

I am sitting here in floods.

I am trying to write him a letter. He wont listen but something has got to be sorted cos its just going to get worse

thank you x x x x x

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drivinmecrazy · 05/01/2008 02:03

How does brother 3 treat you like shit? Doesn't DH do anything to support you? What happens when you are both away from him, is everything ok? What is really winding you up, the fact that his brother is an arse or that he doesn't support you?
Want to try to understand so I can try and help you, not them who sound like they haven't left the play room

IndigoMoon · 05/01/2008 02:11

the centre of it is that he wont protect or defend me and his children from b3 more than anything.

he is willing to tell dd (4) that her holiday is cancelled but note tell his brother than he cannot come on holiday.

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MAMAZON · 05/01/2008 02:11

maybe by telling him you want to leave, by showing him just how serious you are about the situation he may finally see he needs to do something to support you

its a crap situation but i can totally see why you feel the way you do.

drivinmecrazy · 05/01/2008 02:14

Do you live very close to his family, is there no way you can avoid contact for a while?

IndigoMoon · 05/01/2008 02:29

b2 is a business partner

b3 is close and they see each other most days as b3 pops into see him at work

i dont see b2 at all. I have not seen b3 since beginning on nov until two days before christmas. me not seeing him is managable, seeing him these last few times has been hard

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IndigoMoon · 05/01/2008 02:29

apart from tonight when i have seen them all

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drivinmecrazy · 05/01/2008 02:36

Christmas always brings things to a head, a time when you are forced to spend time with people you would rather not. I know that too well But you must seperate your relationship with DH and his brothers if you are ever going to find peace.
Just because they are shits, doesn't mean you mariage is a failure, although it sounds as if your husband is a spineless beast who should realize where his future lies, not with his brothers but his wife and children.

IndigoMoon · 05/01/2008 02:43

thats very true drivin maybe it is a christmas thing.

my fil is staying with us (he is lovely) so i have had to see b3 though b2 has stayed away until today

we have been together 14 years so we have been through a lot but this incidence with b3 has really shoook us to our foundations.

he is spineless

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drivinmecrazy · 05/01/2008 02:53

Have to go to bed now, but if you are going to split up make sure it is because you don't love each other and not because some one else can't get his life together and is maybe jealous that you have every thing he wants (including his brother)
Please take care, and don't give up on him just because he is spineless, they all are when it comes to their family. One night I might give you the story of my in-laws, that will really cheer you up.
Don't let the buggers get you down, just be thankful they're not your family

IndigoMoon · 05/01/2008 02:57

thank you x x i am going to have a piece of toast and go to bed myself x x

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