To still be friends with someone after dating

Unluckyloo · 2022-03-12T11:51:00+00:00

I’ve been seeing someone since October and this week I asked him to be officially exclusive. We’d previously both discussed that we weren’t talking to other people. He didn’t say yes or no and today I pushed him for an outcome. He basically feels he can’t give the best version of himself. He’s training for doctor specialism on a 6 month rotation and his latest one started this week and is an hour from his house. He says he wants to work on his own happiness and feels bad he couldn’t give me more time as he needs to revise for exams and try to balance his life. He still wants to be friends, which I’m open to. AIBU - still keep being friends and keeping my options open to something in the future AINBU - cut him off now, he was never interested in the relationship

prettygreenteacup · 12/03/2022 11:54

Personally think he probably knew he couldn't commit to a relationship and I would just cut ties and move on. He knew what his career/work commitments are and it's also a bit of a cliche to say you can't give the "best version of yourself". Relationships aren't about being the best version, they're about allowing the other person to help you grow and change and doing so together.

gannett · 12/03/2022 11:56

If you have feelings for him and if your side of the friendship will just be about waiting for him to become available - no. That's just setting yourself up for long-term unhappiness.

If your feelings aren't that strong but you like him as a person and would be happy to have in in your life platonically - sure. I'm a firm believer that you can never have too many good people whom you get along with in your life.

Original poster

Unluckyloo · 12/03/2022 11:59

@prettygreenteacup

Personally think he probably knew he couldn't commit to a relationship and I would just cut ties and move on. He knew what his career/work commitments are and it's also a bit of a cliche to say you can't give the "best version of yourself". Relationships aren't about being the best version, they're about allowing the other person to help you grow and change and doing so together.

I’ve said this to him and he’s giving himself unrealistic expectations on a relationship based on what he had at uni

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Stompythedinosaur · 12/03/2022 12:00

Being friends with someone after the end of a relationship is fine, and I have a good friend who was a boyfriend a long time ago.

But I think what you are describing is maybe something else - are you thinking you woukd keep dating but not be exclusive? I think that is a bad idea if he isn't interested in a relationship, sound like he just wants a booty call tbh.

AmbushedByCake · 12/03/2022 12:00

After 5 months you ought to be in a relationship. He doesn't want that and he doesn't want to be friends, I would bet - he wants to keep the door open for a shag

Original poster

Unluckyloo · 12/03/2022 12:01

@gannett

If you have feelings for him and if your side of the friendship will just be about waiting for him to become available - no. That's just setting yourself up for long-term unhappiness.

If your feelings aren't that strong but you like him as a person and would be happy to have in in your life platonically - sure. I'm a firm believer that you can never have too many good people whom you get along with in your life.

I was going to start talking to other people and see how I feel.

I do like him as a person, I need to think if I can remove my feelings.

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Original poster

Unluckyloo · 12/03/2022 12:02

@Stompythedinosaur

Being friends with someone after the end of a relationship is fine, and I have a good friend who was a boyfriend a long time ago.

But I think what you are describing is maybe something else - are you thinking you woukd keep dating but not be exclusive? I think that is a bad idea if he isn't interested in a relationship, sound like he just wants a booty call tbh.

No just be friends and talk.

One of the main struggles I’ve had is getting him to commit to plans. He likes alone time on weekend to revise.

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Original poster

Unluckyloo · 12/03/2022 12:03

@AmbushedByCake

After 5 months you ought to be in a relationship. He doesn't want that and he doesn't want to be friends, I would bet - he wants to keep the door open for a shag

I actually live to far away for that and he won’t be getting me driving down for that.

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HangOnToYourself · 12/03/2022 12:11

I'm surprised after 5 months you are not in a relationship, the fact this has come up when you asked to be exclusive suggests he is seeing other women (I suspect he wasnt using his "alone time" just to revise). It sounds like there are more feelings on your side than his so for that reason I would say being friends is probably not a good idea.

lemongreentea · 12/03/2022 12:17

hes doesnt want to commit to you but hes too weak and feeble to actually be honest so hes dangling you on a string instead in the hopes that enough for you. Is that enough for you?

keep him as a friend or dont. but meet and date new people and work out what you want in a relationship and if being treated like this is it.

Original poster

Unluckyloo · 12/03/2022 12:31

@HangOnToYourself

I'm surprised after 5 months you are not in a relationship, the fact this has come up when you asked to be exclusive suggests he is seeing other women (I suspect he wasnt using his "alone time" just to revise). It sounds like there are more feelings on your side than his so for that reason I would say being friends is probably not a good idea.

I do believe he was revising.

I did ask him him this, he says he does have feelings

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Original poster

Unluckyloo · 12/03/2022 12:32

@lemongreentea

hes doesnt want to commit to you but hes too weak and feeble to actually be honest so hes dangling you on a string instead in the hopes that enough for you. Is that enough for you?

keep him as a friend or dont. but meet and date new people and work out what you want in a relationship and if being treated like this is it.

I pointed this out, that he could of mentioned this early. 5 months is along period for him to be going along with it.

I’m going to keep speaking to him for now and see how next weeks goes

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thepeopleversuswork · 12/03/2022 12:37

I think the answer to this question wholly depends on your feelings for him.

It’s absolutely possible to be friends with someone who you have dated as long as you aren’t harbouring expectations that it will develop into something more. If you are not over him you would be setting yourself up for a painfully asymmetrical relationship where he is holding all the cards.

If this is the scenario you need to be honest with yourself about it and walk away. Give yourself time to recover and see other people. You won’t be able to move on while he is still in your life.

If you don’t feel anything for him then crack on, but the fact you’re asking suggests this is still “live” for you.

Original poster

Unluckyloo · 12/03/2022 13:31

@thepeopleversuswork

I think the answer to this question wholly depends on your feelings for him.

It’s absolutely possible to be friends with someone who you have dated as long as you aren’t harbouring expectations that it will develop into something more. If you are not over him you would be setting yourself up for a painfully asymmetrical relationship where he is holding all the cards.

If this is the scenario you need to be honest with yourself about it and walk away. Give yourself time to recover and see other people. You won’t be able to move on while he is still in your life.

If you don’t feel anything for him then crack on, but the fact you’re asking suggests this is still “live” for you.

I am friends with a lot of my exs Tbf.

It’s obviously just happened so not really sure in my head what to do.

Doesn’t help I found out a childhood friend died yesterday and no head is all over the place

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