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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To over/underreact to stalker?

4 replies

pensiveturtle · 12/03/2022 09:47

My DD is 24 and has been friends with this woman since they were in primary school. Her friend suffers from mental health problems and was sectioned when she was a teenager. Now she mostly manages but her marriage ending has been a huge trigger for her.

A couple of months ago DD’s friends behaviour changed. She’s a very sweet girl but she became argumentative and would ask DD whether she had been spreading rumours about her. They don’t have any mutual friends so DD isn’t clear who she would be talking to.

DD is godmother to her friends daughter, they’re very very close and would speak every day. When DD sensed her mood slipping she decided to step back as the constant arguing and worry was so stressful for her.

After over a month of no contact DD sent her flowers with a note that she was thinking of her last week. Her friend then sent all of DD’s friends requests on social media and then started posting she was being harassed. She’s not named DD but is indicating the flowers are from this stalker. She’s posted that police and lawyers are involved now as her and her daughter are at risk and that it’s been going on for months.

My DD is an absolute wreck. She’s been off her work all week as she’s terrified the police are going to kick in the door when she’s at work. She jumps every time the phone goes. We phoned the stalking helpline who said nothing would be done about someone sending flowers on one occasion when there has been no actual fallout and there’s zero evidence.

They suggested we go to the police but “all” her friend has done is making accusations but not naming her on social media.

My suggestion is for her to try and carry on as normal without contacting this woman. DD says she feels like a sitting duck waiting for something awful to happen but I strongly suspect her friend is unwell and trying to scare her.

OP posts:
Realitea · 12/03/2022 09:57

Yes I think her friend is unwell and if she did report to the police they don’t have enough evidence of being stalked to even take action. Even if the worst came to worst your dd would be questioned but it would soon become very clear that your dd is obviously not a stalker and it would be dropped. There definitely isn’t a solicitor involved, I can guarantee that!
Your daughter mustn’t worry. It’s not nice for false information to be on social media but if that’s as far as it goes it’s not so bad and her friends will realise the real story soon enough

pensiveturtle · 12/03/2022 09:59

@Realitea

Yes I think her friend is unwell and if she did report to the police they don’t have enough evidence of being stalked to even take action. Even if the worst came to worst your dd would be questioned but it would soon become very clear that your dd is obviously not a stalker and it would be dropped. There definitely isn’t a solicitor involved, I can guarantee that! Your daughter mustn’t worry. It’s not nice for false information to be on social media but if that’s as far as it goes it’s not so bad and her friends will realise the real story soon enough
Thank you. DD is quite an anxious person and this has had a horrible effect on her. The stalking helpline explained that even if the police wanted to speak to her it’s more likely they’d call her than come round. And that she’s done nothing wrong so her friend has no evidence to show.
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Wat2do222 · 12/03/2022 10:50

Unfortunately I had a friend like this who fixated on another person in our friend group (accusing her of having an affair with her husband, saying that she was being stalked on socials and that adverts on socials were giving her messages etc) It is a form of paranoia that is linked to her mental health conditions. Your daughter sounds lovely and she has just been caught up. In our situation, our friend just completely disengaged and let her family know that she was obviously not well and that they needed to take action. There is absolutely no point in trying to assist when someone is in this frame of mind, like swimming through treacle. Hopefully she will get the help she needs and your daughter will relax in time Flowers

pensiveturtle · 12/03/2022 14:12

@Wat2do222

Unfortunately I had a friend like this who fixated on another person in our friend group (accusing her of having an affair with her husband, saying that she was being stalked on socials and that adverts on socials were giving her messages etc) It is a form of paranoia that is linked to her mental health conditions. Your daughter sounds lovely and she has just been caught up. In our situation, our friend just completely disengaged and let her family know that she was obviously not well and that they needed to take action. There is absolutely no point in trying to assist when someone is in this frame of mind, like swimming through treacle. Hopefully she will get the help she needs and your daughter will relax in time Flowers
Yes that sounds very similar. She's torn between wanting nothing to do with this and extreme worry for her friend and her goddaughter. The families have known DD for a long time so I'm positive some people will realise it's a delusion even if they're not posting about it on socials.

I've told her repeatedly even if she has gone to the police, DD has done absolutely nothing wrong.

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