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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - refugees and my disabled mum

26 replies

Sugarplumfairy22 · 12/03/2022 09:21

Just would like some opinions

My mum is 78- disabled. She can walk slowly but short distances. Uses a stair lift. Has a disability shower. Sometimes falls and if she does cannot get herself back up.
Me and my brother do a lot for her. Shopping, prescriptions, we both have her over for dinners weekly and take her out every week so she doesn’t get lonely.
She suffers from depression as well. She has someone in every week to do her cleaning and a gardener to do her garden.

She rang me last night and said she wants to take in some refugees from Ukraine. She has 2 spare rooms. I just don’t think it’s a good idea. She can’t look after herself and now wants to help look after refugees.

She got really upset I said I was heartless and hung up on me.

Am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 12/03/2022 09:23

The refugees wouldn’t necessarily need looking after in the same way that your Mum does. She could provide emotional support and advice. It’s not something I would do myself but I think if she wants to help maybe it would actually be good for her mental health…?

Theunamedcat · 12/03/2022 09:29

The danger is they may feel compelled to help her it would be building a resentful situation you would need the absolutely perfect people to go in and its not going to happen

Teachertotutor · 12/03/2022 09:37

I personally don't think she is in the right position to offer that kind of help. These people need help themselves. They are going to be traumatised and with needs - I think as soon as they move in with your mum, by default they would have to care for her. Could you help her think of other ways she can help, as she clearly wants to get involved?

Twirldream · 12/03/2022 09:55

I agree with you that she is absolutely in no position to help refugees. She would also be in a vulnerable position herself if she were to be matched with less than honest people.

Perhaps have a think about other ways she could help and suggest these to her - donating money or goods, maybe local support groups will start if she gets enough refugees in her area and she could see if she could go along and have welcoming chats with the newcomers (of course there could be language barriers for some) etc.

FairyCakeWings · 12/03/2022 09:58

It’s lovely of your mum to want to help, but when she can’t look after herself on her own, she’s in no position to make this happen.

I wouldn’t discourage her if that’s going to upset her. Just let her get on with it and she will see for herself that it won’t work.

forinborin · 12/03/2022 10:02

Being practical about the topic, you can totally find a suitable person (with nursing / care background even) who will provide support for your Mum as well, which will be an absolute win-win scenario in this case.

CaptainMyCaptain · 12/03/2022 10:04

@forinborin

Being practical about the topic, you can totally find a suitable person (with nursing / care background even) who will provide support for your Mum as well, which will be an absolute win-win scenario in this case.
The agencies that arrange this will try and find someone suitable. The company might be stimulating for your mum.
Nothingsfine · 12/03/2022 10:05

I've been thinking about this issue myself. I'm disabled and have an autistic DC. There's no room in my house due to having 5 DC including SDC and wfh full time. This week I've been affected by mobility issues which come and go but require support from DH. My DC who is autistic wouldn't cope with strangers in our home as it is hard enough when family visits.
So, as much as I want to help, I have to be realistic and say that offering my home is not the way for me to do this. I've collected donations from neighbours and also bought three bags of toiletries etc to donate. I have applied to help through my job (I could directly help) and so this is what I can and will do.

Janefx40 · 12/03/2022 10:09

@Sugarplumfairy22 I recently looked into a scheme for a friend where they match volunteers who need somewhere to stay with people who need support. The volunteer helps within the house (light duties) for I think 30 hours a week and provides company in exchange for cheap (or possibly free) accommodation.

It wasn't right for our friend who works full time so couldn't provide the time needed but it was a good scheme.

That might be a way that your Mum could help someone AND get some additional support.

homeshareuk.org

Itwasntmeright · 12/03/2022 10:15

I would imagine that there would be due safeguarding when placing refugees, and I suspect your mother would be unlikely to be accepted if she can’t look after herself. I’m also sure adult social care would have something to say about it if they are already involved. It’s lovely that she wants to help, but this doesn’t seem like the right way to go about it. Has she got a social worker you could talk to?

nearlyspringyay · 12/03/2022 10:18

No, it doesn't make sense.

fabulousathome · 12/03/2022 11:00

Of course it wouldn't be a good idea.

Perhaps she could help with some kind of telephone support line?

Physically, sadly not.

needingpeace · 12/03/2022 11:01

I don’t think it’s a good idea. They are likely to need lots of help and support.

needingpeace · 12/03/2022 11:03

I have small kids at home so it doesn’t make sense for me to do it but I’ve given a financial donation. It makes sense to help if you have space, no additional needs and are solvent.

spacehardware · 12/03/2022 11:05

I agree with the poster who suggested homeshare. It's a scheme for people who are willing and happy to do some care / housework / domestic support for somewhere cheap to live.

Traumatised refugees are not the answer. I can understand your mum wanting to help, but she isn't really in a position to do so

I wonder if she's feeling frustrated/ useless generally - is there some home based volunteering she could do instead?

Sirzy · 12/03/2022 11:06

I would let her look further into it (not that you could stop her anyway!) it could work out to be mutually beneficial if matched correctly

SamphiretheStickerist · 12/03/2022 11:08

Have a proper look at what is involved. It isn't just having a room. You should be able to contact a local organisation and ask for details, which should be enough to persuade your mum that it isn't as simple as she thinks.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/03/2022 11:10

She doesn't want to 'look after' them and most refugees don't need looking after. They're able people, who need practical and cultural support and advice.

Sounds like she wants company and carers (even if she doesn't think the latter is what she's asking for, they'd feel obliged). The first thing is a reasonable expectation, the second isn't.

Would she offer good company, local and administrative know how?

If so it could possibly work - if she's open about her needs and circumstances and people come forward who are used to looking after their own elderly relatives. Really though, they'd need to be getting themselves on their feet, finding homes and work, not becoming unpaid carers to plug a gap in the British system.

Rinatinabina · 12/03/2022 11:14

Yeah i think they would end up looking after her and tbh if you are worrying about your home your family (you may have lost some) you may have had to leave you husband behind and are travelling with children you probably need a bit of looking after yourself. The trauma of being a refugee from a war zone must be immense.

VladmirsPoutine · 12/03/2022 11:21

The thing is they are coming with a lot of trauma and may not be in the best place emotionally and mentally to look after your mother. That said, they could match her with people who will be aware / empathetic to your mother's situation. What the refugees need above all else is safe accommodation so everything else can be worked around imho.

Iknowitisheresomewhere · 12/03/2022 11:22

At the moment all this is hypothetical because we don’t exactly know what the scheme will be. I wouldn’t see anything wrong with saying ‘OK, have you contacted anyone about this?’
From what you say it would seem unlikely she would be a good match, but there is a chance she could be - but don’t place yourself in the position of being the ‘bad guy’. If you don’t think it is a good idea, you don’t need to facilitate. She can register, get all the info etc etc. most likely scenario is it never happens and you can stay out of it.

Porcupineintherough · 12/03/2022 11:26

I think it's her choice honestly. If she passes the vetting of course. Maybe she likes the idea of helping someone rather than being helped? Maybe she's being unrealistic ? Maybe she's lonely and would like the company. In any case I dont think you need to point out that she's too old and sick to be of any use.

Luredbyapomegranate · 12/03/2022 11:27

@Iknowitisheresomewhere

At the moment all this is hypothetical because we don’t exactly know what the scheme will be. I wouldn’t see anything wrong with saying ‘OK, have you contacted anyone about this?’ From what you say it would seem unlikely she would be a good match, but there is a chance she could be - but don’t place yourself in the position of being the ‘bad guy’. If you don’t think it is a good idea, you don’t need to facilitate. She can register, get all the info etc etc. most likely scenario is it never happens and you can stay out of it.
Yes this. Worry not.

I can see why she wants to though - to feel less cut of from life and that she can be useful again - so be compassionate about that. And if a nice old lady refugee comes up, do be open to that.

Xpologog · 12/03/2022 11:30

When you’re losing your independence, and you know it, it’s natural to want to prove that you’re still useful, still have a role in society. You love your mum but she probably still feels the need to be useful.
It’s possible she may be able to offer a temporary home to an older person for a few weeks or months. It might be that she registers her willingness to help but cannot be matched with suitable individuals or families. Volunteers get a choice —- adults only, females or males only, children/ no children. On balance I’d support your mum’s choice to offer a room —- probably to one or two women only, no children, no single men for your peace of mind.

hockeygrass · 12/03/2022 11:32

Look at the website Refugeesathome.org and see the type of obstacles she would need to cross. Also the scheme about to be launched will ask that you commit for at least 6 months, can she afford to host guests for 6 months?