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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think ex is so desperate to spite me

22 replies

user3572 · 12/03/2022 08:51

he's putting his newborn and partner at risk.

Share custody of DC with ex 50/50.

Ex and his partner welcomed a baby earlier in the week.

Yesterday our DC1 tested positive for Covid with symptoms.

It's his weekend to have the DC and I know he's probably very excited to have them and baby altogether for the weekend.

However, I offered for DC to stay with me until Covid passed or symptoms not as bad so as not to risk baby and mum.

Ex phoned the midwives and they apparently said life could carry on as normal and there was no increased risk to the baby. So ex wanted the DC for the weekend as normal. Ok, bit surprised, because I don't think I'd want to risk it but I understand. However, he then says eldest DC will isolate in their bedroom for the weekend so as not to mix with anyone/risk the baby.

I said seems a bit silly when eldest dc could stay with me and not worry about isolating as strictly (I've recently had it). DC was also very worried about passing it on to baby and said they'd rather stay here until at least worst symptoms were over and didn't want to isolate alone while everyone with new baby. Cue a phone call from ex to tell said child he was disappointed they made that choice. DC changed their mind and went round.

AIBU to think ex has prioritised making sure DC don't spend extra time here rather than the comfort of partner and baby and child with Covid? I don't know maybe it's just because I often wonder about his judgment.

OP posts:

OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 12/03/2022 08:55

He may be worried that if he disrupts the usual contact routine just after having a new baby, your child may feel like he is being pushed out.

Given that he's consulted the midwife etc, I think it's a perfectly reasonable and appropriate decision, which he may well be making for child-centred reasons (I.e. wanting to ensure your son feels included in family life despite the arrival of the new baby).

You do you, and don't try to micromanage his contact - you risk coming across as jealous he has a new partner and baby.

Arabellla · 12/03/2022 08:55

YANBU, he is a twat for shutting up DC in their room when they could be at home with you.

I would have just said DC is not coming as he has covid.

Outwiththenorm · 12/03/2022 08:59

@OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo

He may be worried that if he disrupts the usual contact routine just after having a new baby, your child may feel like he is being pushed out.

You do you, and don't try to micromanage his contact - you risk coming across as jealous he has a new partner and baby.

In what world is it ‘child centered’ to shut a kid in a room for a weekend? Your ex sounds like a selfish knob, op. Sorry your kid will have had a rubbish weekend.

OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 12/03/2022 09:03

@Outwiththenorm But if ex and new partner have literally just had a new baby, cancelling contact - whatever the reason - risks being psychologically harmful too. The existing child may well feel pushed out by the new baby. I don't think this is straightforward.

Theunamedcat · 12/03/2022 09:04

Am I the only person doubting he has spoken to a midwife? I dont know any midwife that would say that there was no risk to the baby from covid

RandomMess · 12/03/2022 09:09

All very odd especially as your DC didn't want to go and you could have swapped weekends.

I mean newborn and unpredictable virus or any infectious disease why take the risk. Insisting they come around to then isolating them is just unkind.

Original poster

user3572 · 12/03/2022 09:10

@OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo

He may be worried that if he disrupts the usual contact routine just after having a new baby, your child may feel like he is being pushed out.

You do you, and don't try to micromanage his contact - you risk coming across as jealous he has a new partner and baby.

Was concerned that if I made too much fuss it would come across as jealous and that's not the case. That's why DC has still gone for the contact.

Not at all wanting to micromanage the contact was just thinking about it to myself and found it an odd decision to make.

I can understand he'd feel like he was letting DC down/putting new baby 'first' but DC themselves said 'it's probably not a good idea to go and see the baby, is it?'

OP posts:

Freddiefox · 12/03/2022 09:11

I would have stopped him going. It’s not good for children to be shut in on their own all weekend. It’s bad for your health to be isolated.

Theunamedcat · 12/03/2022 09:12

How does the baby's mum feel?

Original poster

user3572 · 12/03/2022 09:13

@Theunamedcat

How does the baby's mum feel?

It's his partner's first child. She is fine with it and said DC could see baby from 2metres away.

OP posts:

Aprilx · 12/03/2022 09:16

I don’t think it is anything to do with you, I think he just wants to see his child. Families have to cope with one child being ill sometimes.

abigailsnan · 12/03/2022 09:16

@Theunamedcat

Am I the only person doubting he has spoken to a midwife? I dont know any midwife that would say that there was no risk to the baby from covid

I am a retired midwife and there is [no way] I would suggest it is OK for the older child to visit.

Hwory · 12/03/2022 09:25

I wouldn't have let my child go isolate in a bedroom (especially with a new born baby at the new house). Contact can just be switched around.

Petty parenting.

Theunamedcat · 12/03/2022 09:42

Honestly kids are not snowflakes by nature they could have been told we don't want the baby getting ill so facetime this weekend to see everyone then back to it when your better maybe arrange a one off teatime meet up to see the baby if it's a long time between contact

Can you imagine the child's guilt if the baby catches covid? they are going to blame themselves to me the emotional fallout from that guilt would outweigh a missed contact

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 12/03/2022 09:48

It's certainly all about him. He's not thinking of any of his DC here. Imagine how bad big brother will feel if the baby gets sick. As for the idea he's trying not to leave DC1 out by making him come so he can see baby from a distance and be isolated by himself in a room when he could be home, that's cruel. I don't know if it's spite, but it's certainly not him considering the best interests of any of his DC.

Original poster

user3572 · 12/03/2022 10:01

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons

Yes, I think you're right it probably isn't about spiting me. It's just only thinking about him.

From the conversations he had with both me and DC it just felt like he was saying they must not stay here at any cost and I suppose that's what made me feel like he was trying to get at me. And that's something I need to move away from.

It's also made me feel quite guilty because I had presumed that they wouldn't go there in order not to risk baby or new mum. In their situation that's what I would have done and I felt bad that I would have put the baby and my health before seeing them. Although I did think they would have been able to understand my choice.

OP posts:

peachy3 · 12/03/2022 10:05

He’s either lying about speaking to the midwife or they have a very neglectful midwife. If your unwell with anything, not just covid, you tend to avoid a newborn baby. What a ridiculous man, why would he want to risk his newborns health that way. The guilt trip on your shared DC is really horrible too, sounds like your DC has more brains than their father to not want to go round and risk their new siblings health.

TheirTheyre · 12/03/2022 10:08

Did he Bollocks speak to a midwife. He shouldn’t have taken your ds if he’s going to lock him in a room. Ds clearly doesn’t have any psychological harm in terms of being pushed out as op already said the child is scared of giving Covid to the baby. Your ex is being a dumbass. You should have kept son at home , but hey ho. You live and learn.

Theunamedcat · 12/03/2022 10:16

Does he think you will try and claim child maintenance off him if he dips below 50/50? I'm struggling to see why he feels they must not stay in your home?

Original poster

user3572 · 12/03/2022 10:25

@Theunamedcat

Does he think you will try and claim child maintenance off him if he dips below 50/50? I'm struggling to see why he feels they must not stay in your home?

I don't think it's financially motivated. I think it's more that he dislikes the idea of them being closer to me or having more fun with me. It has sometimes felt like a competition where I'll do something with the kids and then he'll try to better it. DC says that he always asks what they've been doing here and how much they enjoyed it which makes DC uncomfortable. I normally just try to keep really focused on what we do together and not think about him and his house but this situation threw me.

OP posts:

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 12/03/2022 10:47

What does he mean he'll be isolating in his room? The only way covid wont be passed on to all in the household is if the child literally has no contact with anyone, food left outside the door etc. If that's what he is planning to do to his child, instead letting them live a normal life, then he is an abusive shit. Or is he planning to pass covid on to his newborn and post partum partner? Which is also abusive shit territory.

Theunamedcat · 12/03/2022 10:50

Ahh competition makes sense my ex is very much like this except he prefers to neg me to them about it "your mom took you to the SCIENCE museum?" "WOW how BORING why does she feel the NEED to EDUCATE you on the WEEKENDS you should be allowed to RELAX and HAVE FUN like you do HERE!" I'm in the Midlands the think-tank/science museum is fun 😄 I even took him in on ds2s birthday he joined me for the last hour and ran around it pushing buttons like a child but tells ds1 it's boring and he shouldn't be "forced" to go

He never actually takes the children anywhere

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