AIBU or is it SO hard to make mum friends?!

[heynowheyhow]

As the title says really, I am 22 so probably considered a young mum but I have found it so hard to make mum friends.

I have tried NCT (what a waste of money that was), numerous baby classes, swimming lessons, Facebook groups and still don't even have one mum friend.

It's getting me so down, I feel like these classes are so judgemental and some mums have cliques who they won't allow anyone else in to, it's like going back to school!

I sent you a pm :)

I found playgroups were good for meeting local people, church hall type groups for preschoolers.

Look for women sitting on their own or in twos chatting and try to join in. Ask advice - especially if they have older children, this is a good way to get a conversation going.

The women sitting in big groups chatting are likely to be friendly but less likely to want to take it further as they already have a large circle of friends.

Hi OP , I’m here too if you want to chat. I’m in the same boat with no friends despite having 4 children and being to different baby groups but still no friends to hang around with or go out . I had 2 best friends but moved away and here I’m alone. I recently went back to work .

How old is your child? I found it really hard to make mum friends until mine was a bit older but he's started school and I've got loads now. We did also move areas and they've been much friendlier here! It also helps as you get older, the gap from 29 and settled to 39 feels a lot smaller than 22 to 32.

I do lots of classes with my DD (about 6 a week) but for me it's about bonding and engaging with her so I'm not particularly interested in making friends there. To be honest life is too busy to fit in extra meetings with new friends, and I'm fine being with DD on my own or with DH so I just don't seek them out. It may not be anything to do with you, but not everyone joins those groups to make mum friends, it's just an interesting activity for their DC.

I didn’t make any mum friends through NCT, baby classes or lurking winningly near people in the playground – all my mum friends are through nursery and it got much easier once DD befriended people and I could just glom onto their parents.

I run baby groups and you're wrong, it seems like people are in pre existing groups, they are but only because they've been coming for weeks and it's gradually built up. Keep going back to the same groups. It's really hard at first but I see it all the time, the mum who will come once or twice and then never see them again, it takes time. Also several of the people are childminders who have been doing it years and it's a job so they tend to just want to get on and not have someone looking for playdates. Try chatting to the organiser about how long it's been running, is it in any ther days etc, make us realise you are a bit nervous and often we can make a point of introducing you or pointing you in the right direction of friendly people. Honestly you've just been unlucky.

Are you hanging around hopefully waiting to be swooped up or actually being proactive: arranging to meet at the next group session, inviting people for coffee, swapping numbers, etc.

I only ask this because of your answer to whether you have many non mum friends. Maybe you could be a bit more proactive in making the first move (beyond small talk).

I don’t have any mum friends. I went to numerous groups and just sat there being ignored. In the end I thought this isn’t working and I haven’t got time for it, if I’m going to be alone I can do it in comfort at home. Often the other mums knew each other for years because they had older kids, or were friends even before they had any kids, they weren’t interested in me. I send my DS to nursery even during the holidays because I don’t have any mum friends so he has nobody to play with at home.

It's probably your age, I had my eldest at 20 and found a lot of other mums just didn't want to know me, even worse at the school gates once I was a single mum and 10 years younger. They all used to glare at me like I was after their baldy husbands, no thanks! I'm in my 30s now and have two more babies and its been so much easier this time around. Sorry, that's not particularly helpful! I would keep going to the same groups, keep trying with people, ask lots of questions and remember their kids names and things about them to strike up a conversation next time.

You have to just keep putting yourself out there. I am quite reserved but I must’ve tried 6 or 7 different baby groups in the pursuit of friends. I found a lot were attended by antenatal/NCT groups and they weren’t particularly interested in including anyone else. In the end I downloaded an app similar to peanut and a girl from my antenatal classes messaged me and we met up. I then met some other mums on a local Facebook page, another mum posted that she was struggling to make friends and it turned out we lived on the same street. We then formed a little group who I’m still close to now.

I know how hard it can be but if it’s important to you then just keep trying and you’ll find your people.

I was a young mum (16!) and took Kyle DC to all sorts of groups and clubs. Met loads of people along the way but noone who became 'friends'. However, I had my own friends who 30 years later are still my friends.

Honestly, a lot of people are at baby groups to integrate their children.. but not to make friends

I’d try different groups, some are cliquey or they have established friendship groups.

Are there mums close to your age?

As an older mum (36) I’d assume a 22 year old is a bit young for our ‘group’; we’re not cliquey and still chat and include new people, but we’re all in our 30s (mid-late 30s) so at a different life stage. Also second or third babies mean mums are often tied to school runs etc. Many mums will be on short Mat leaves before heading back to work. In our group there’s a lot of talk of work, childcare, husbands etc. We did have a younger mum join and invited her for lunch out after a group, but she said she couldn’t afford it and it was all a bit awkward. I’m not saying most 22 year olds can’t afford lunch out, but this lady couldn’t and said she assumed it was lunch at one of our houses.

Maybe get chatting to some mums and ask which other groups they go to/recommend or ask if they fancy grabbing a coffee afterwards? Meeting on neutral ground is often the way to start.

Also remember a lot of women might be suffering with anxiety/PND/stress and just not want to talk. Or they might be discussing intimate health issues with friends etc. It took me time to find my friend group but I’m glad I stuck with it.

I disagree that its your age. I was 28 when I had DS and I really struggled to make mum friends. How old is your child OP? I finally managed to make 2 mum friends when DS started school. You really have to work at it though, lots of invites for playmates etc. It's a bit like dating, eventually you find people you click with.