To be such a green eyed monster

[OnlyNoodlesMichael]

I try not to compare as I know it's the thief of joy but this has really got me.

My pal and I had babies around the same time last year. Hers was with a chap she hadn't known too long but he is lovely so all good. But his family are absolutely stinking rich. When they found out about the baby (first grandchild) they decided to gift them the most gorgeous 4 bed house outright.

Now DH and I do ok financially but with the cost of living at the moment certain things, like meals out, updating the house (and it really needs it) and most importantly, going part time at work are off the cards. I've been very anxious about it all, as I'm sure most people have been. I almost cried at our weekly food shop cost yesterday.

So I'm finding it really difficult to listen to their plans for their extensive renovations and how she is only going to be going back to work 2 days a week to be able to spend time with her DD. It all feels so out of reach for us and I'm just so jealous. Im not normally a jealous person, I have lots of friends with money and up until now I've always been happy with my lot in life.

So I cant work out why this is making me feel so bitter and like I want to avoid her. I hate myself for feeling this way. I feel so bad writing this post knowing so many others have less than we do.

Has anyone else ever had this and how do I get rid of the green eyed monster inside me?

I don't think you will be able to get rid of the green eyed monster as I think it's within us all, I bet there are things she wishes she could do, we are never really happy with what we have got.

I think maybe stepping back a little may help you so it's not so in your face all the time.

Is she the type of person you could confide in and she not be offended?

They say comparison is the thief of all joy don't they.

I think these feelings are normal and you're actually a big person for acknowledging that you have them.

Rather than subconsciously trying to find reasons why she's annoying. That's what most people do. They can't even admit the green eyed monster to themselves and start lashing out at people they're jealous of instead.

I would say, acknowledge your feelings, but also know that no one's life is perfect. No matter how it might seem. Try and count your own blessings and distract yourself. Try to use these feelings to improve your life in any way that you can. Make plans etc.

I know what it feels like and can just say that those things help me a little. I hope you feel better about it soon.

Could you compare with others to balance things out. It sounds like you own your house it’s just not as ‘finished’ as you’d like. We don’t need to look far at the moment to find people worse off.

Can you just imagine how interfering the in laws are? Entitled to opinions as they gifted the house etc. In comparison to her you are 'struggling' but in reality your probably doing just fine.

Is she married to this man she hasn't known too long? Because if she isn't, she's very vulnerable.

Also I have a friend with in laws like this and they are massively controlling. Everything comes with strings.

There's a lot more to life than money.

If she's not married to this man, she doesn't have anything. The parents bought their son a house, not her.

Jealousy is a totally normal emotion imo

Let's just rewind this for a moment - you say Hers was with a chap she hadn't known too long but he is lovely so all good. Do you realise what a big red flag this actually is? Have you ever heard the saying 'Marry in haste, repent at leisure?'. Of course, they may not be actually married but they live as though they are. They are all 'lovely' at first, believe me. Not all of them stay that way.

You, dear Noodles, have the luxury of knowing exactly what and who you are married to (and into!). Your friend does not. Hopefully, her life and her relationship stays 'lovely' but there's a good chance it might not. You live with someone who you have complete confidence in. That is worth a million times more than any beautiful house.

Oh, forgot to say - Well done you for admitting you have these feelings. A pp is right, it's very 'big' of you. That's another thing which is worth far more than any material possession - self awareness. You clearly have this in bundles!

You’re only human - must people would be jealous too

I think this is more stress and frustration at your own situation OP rather than being jealous.

And for that you're not being unreasonable. Cost of everything is out of control and lots of people are anxious about it.

Completely natural.

One of my friends has very wealthy parents, she is self employed and her job is basically one of her hobbies, she works minimal hours. Her parents paid for her entire wedding,her house and it’s total renovation. She constantly tells me how hard her life is, tbh I can’t say I’m jealous of her as she is so far removed from the real world as soon as people really get to know her they see that. But Christ I want a newly renovated 4 bed house in a good area free of charge!

Got to be honest I'm quite jealous myself!

I do hope her relationship with this man works out, shes a lovely woman and although I cant know for sure he seems a genuinely nice person. But yes, Dh and I have known each other years, love each other very much and are a great team with lots of wonderful memories together. I value that a lot and I'm so grateful for all our time together pre baby. Thanks for the reminder of that @RobertaFirmino

Aw these responses are nicer than I thought. I was expecting to get my arse handed to me.

I expect it is my own stress around money at the moment making things worse. We've had to tighten our belts before but that was before our DD was born and now I feel this immense pressure to give her a lovely life.

You are only human, and it's only natural to feel some envy. Who wouldn't?! It's probably especially noticeable with her because you are at a parallel stage, and also perhaps because the change in her circumstances was a bit fairy godmother like.

You could step back a bit if you want. Or just say gently but frankly that you are feeling worried about rising food costs and upset at having to work FT so while you are really happy for her re the new kitchen, could she talk details to someone else.

From similar experience, it's often something that settles down as you get used to it, and wealth just becomes part of who that person is.

BTW, if she's not married, be a friend and advise her to get married. If she hasn't known this chap long things might not work out, and that could leave her in weak state financially.

I do get the jealousy but in my experience accepting things like that from family comes with all sorts of attempts at control, ties and caveats. Embrace the fact that what you have is all yours and they you are not beholden to anyone. It's never good to feel that you owe relatives and that you have to tread carefully with them.

@Hippolyte

I do get the jealousy but in my experience accepting things like that from family comes with all sorts of attempts at control, ties and caveats. Embrace the fact that what you have is all yours and they you are not beholden to anyone. It's never good to feel that you owe relatives and that you have to tread carefully with them.

Definitely this, OP. Try to remember and be so proud of what you're accomplishing.

She's vulnerable if they aren't married. It's his family's money, not hers. If they split up she'll be up shit creek. Not an enviable position.

@RobertaFirmino

Let's just rewind this for a moment - you say Hers was with a chap she hadn't known too long but he is lovely so all good. Do you realise what a big red flag this actually is? Have you ever heard the saying 'Marry in haste, repent at leisure?'. Of course, they may not be actually married but they live as though they are. They are all 'lovely' at first, believe me. Not all of them stay that way.

You, dear Noodles, have the luxury of knowing exactly what and who you are married to (and into!). Your friend does not. Hopefully, her life and her relationship stays 'lovely' but there's a good chance it might not. You live with someone who you have complete confidence in. That is worth a million times more than any beautiful house.

That's a neat theory, but in reality - it's bollocks - anyone's relationship can go tits up, whether it's because you haven't known each other long, or because of financial stress, or just because.

It's better to acknowledge jealousy and not beat yourself up for it, changing the bits of your life you can - rather than comfort yourself by the fact your friend might be riding for a fall - because that's not what friends do, is it?

Good point about them not being wed.

Also, they do sound very interfering, do the in laws

They'll be banging on that front door every morning, sans invitation

You see one side of the picture OP. She might be privately thinking, I wish I had a rock solid relationship like Noodles, I wish I was financially independent and not reliant on his parents so much. Even if she isn't now, she might be later on.

Or she might be blissfully happy and then get ill. or find the relationship more tricky than she she'd imagined. i wouldn;t want the stress of massive renovations, new relationship and new baby all at once. Too much pressure!

I'm not wishing ill on her, it's just that over the course of a lifetime, you will be the ones who are envied at some point and at other times, you envy people yourself. No one has a perfect life all the time.

Envy helps us realise what we prioritise in life. We want what we envy. Look at what that is and how you can have more of your version of it in your own life.

Whatever you do don't try to console yourself by telling yourself that there must be something terrible about her life. Posters suggesting that pil must be interfering or marriage probably won't last with newer partner or other things need to be ignored. It is a down right pathetic way to go. Surely no real friend would want to assume such horrible things? Look, her life is her life and yours is yours. She has had some good fortune, I bet you have too in other ways or at other points in your life. Focus on your own life and what you might like to improve. A friend of mine is so rich that her had her husband will never have to work. NEVER. So what? It makes no odds to me. I still want to listen and be there for her when she has had a stressful day and celebrate with her when something good happens.

Is it in her name too otherwise she has no security for herself.

Waste of time being jealous of people. Nobody knows what's round the corner.

Thanks everyone. I'm sat here now thinking of all the things in my life I'm grateful for that I wouldn't have if I had her life. My lovely family, my sunny little baby DD, my crazy dog, my cosy house! A job I love and at the moment we are warm and safe with enough to eat and for all this we are immensely lucky. Thank you all for being kind!

@OnlyNoodlesMichael

Thanks everyone. I'm sat here now thinking of all the things in my life I'm grateful for that I wouldn't have if I had her life. My lovely family, my sunny little baby DD, my crazy dog, my cosy house! A job I love and at the moment we are warm and safe with enough to eat and for all this we are immensely lucky. Thank you all for being kind!

have a lovely weekend