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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

34 weeks and sick of DH

29 replies

cadmo72 · 11/03/2022 15:11

Sorry for the long rant in advance. DH and I have been together for 10 years. He’s a very laid back guy except from when it comes to his family. He’s protective and when making a decision will consider every single possibility with such effort before making a decision.

I’m 34 weeks pregnant and with each passing week, DH is really getting on my nerves. I almost can’t stand him and I feel so guilty.

DH has got three (yes, three) baby proofing companies to assess our flat. We’re living in a first floor split level flat at the moment so there are two flights of stairs. Baby proofers have come in confused because the flat’s already baby proofed. He’s hoping someone else might notice something that the other has missed.

We have three baby gates (as there are two steps in the flat plus another 2 flights of stairs). This is a big issue for DH. He’s not happy because he’s read that babies eventually learn to climb over the gate. Of course they do, you just have to not leave the baby unsupervised. He wants a taller gate. He even wanted to install a door to block off one flight of stairs.

DH has got separate notebooks to track feeds, wee/poo, sleep and one to write weekly updates as a keepsake. He researched deeply into baby carriers, finally bought one, and now he regularly puts it on and puts a lot of strain on it to check that it’s really secure. He does this in the mirror to check that his posture is ok in relation to the baby…but how can you do this when there is currently no baby in the bloody carrier??

Everyday it’s a new thing. What kind of mattress? What kind of pram? How to stop baby rolling off the bed or changing table? What bottle? What position to hold the baby in when he gets to feed? How will we know what the room temperature is if we don’t have a thermometer in every single room? He’s even asked me what position I’d like to be in when I deliver - how will I know?!?!

The question this morning is when he should start shielding (i.e. only going out for shopping in off peak hours) in case he gets covid or a cold and cannot be in the delivery room? This afternoon, it’s morphed into worrying that he’ll get a cold and not be able to be near the baby. He’s called the in-laws today to confirm with them that they’re not to visit if unwell and not to kiss the baby at all (fair enough, but it’s the random nature of this, like can’t you just tell them when the baby’s arrived?). He’s gone out to buy multivitamins now to support his immune system. In the pouring rain mind you.

Honestly, I could go on but I won’t. He even bought a new phone so that he can take macro photos of the baby’s hands and feet to remember how small s/he is. No, really.

I personally feel like a lot of these things are common sense, surely? You supervise your baby all the time. He’s got books, he reads them and he also reads a parenting forum on Reddit but they generate even more questions. I’m tired. I could ignore him but he’ll engage me in every single question and will then immediately agree with whatever I say. Why ask me then? I’m finding him so annoying suddenly and I’ve loved him so much for so many years!

OP posts:
Snufkin2 · 11/03/2022 15:20

That would drive me mad! It does sound like he's pretty anxious though and is trying to control as much as he can in the face of the impending arrival when so much will be out of his control. Could you speak to him about it in those terms? It's not normal behaviour and maybe he could seek help with his anxiety from his GP

Midlifemusings · 11/03/2022 15:30

This sounds like high anxiety and feeling completely out of control - a feeling that comes with anxiety. He is trying to control everything he can control to reduce that anxiety and the fear he will somehow harm the baby. He can't do anything directly for the baby as the baby is internal so he is focusing on the external environment where he can do something to feel he is making a safer environment.

Is he normally a very anxious person? It might be worth him talking to doctor.

Cas112 · 11/03/2022 15:41

Oh OP I couldn't be dealing with that either.. hopefully he calms down once baby is actually here

bugbag · 11/03/2022 15:55

Is he ok?? Honestly? He sounds unwell to me.

pinkyredrose · 11/03/2022 16:02

That is a disproportionate amount of anxiety!

Gizacluethen · 11/03/2022 16:05

Apart from the very intense baby proofing, I dont think he's being unreasonable. You don't have any idea how you want to give birth? I was much more like him tbh do I can't see your pov. Knowledge is power. It's handy to know all the carriers, then when the one you have isn't right you know why and what to get instead of being confused or trying to research when you have the baby.

Do you what birth positions you CAN use? Have you thought about what painkillers you do/don't want? Whether you want vaginal exams? Water birth? Instrumentals? Sections? Level of midwife involvement? I don't really get how people are happy to just go with the flow or figure it out when you get there, there's not a lot of time to think about things once it starts. You can't learn it all but can have an idea of what your options are and what shouldn't be happening and stuff.

There's nothing wrong with being too prepared. So long as he understands he can't be fully prepared, it's just not possible.

FangsForTheMemory · 11/03/2022 16:06

He's suffering from anxiety, and I would say needs to see his GP now rather than when the baby arrives.

chiangmai · 11/03/2022 16:07

That would drive me nuts, your baby isnt here yet, you wouldnt even be needing baby gates etc at this stage. He needs to deal with his anxiety as his behaviour isnt healthy and you dont want your DC growing up in a household with high levels of stress and anxiety.

luxxlisbon · 11/03/2022 16:07

I sort of agree, other than the baby proofing which is so weird imo. There are professional baby proofer? You are going to open and close baby gates for weeks before the baby arrives never mine when it’s still tiny??

The rest of it sounds similar to the planning and research most first time mums carry out. Did you guys do antenatal classes? Maybe he needs a structured way to have these discussions so he can feel like you are both prepared.

Bornsloppy · 11/03/2022 16:22

Is he quite well? He's in for a massive shocker when the baby arrives and doesn't follow anything that the books say they "should".Has he got any friends with kids who could tell him to chill out?

I'd be stripping out all the baby proofing until baby gets on the move - a sleep deprived parent carrying a tiny baby through multiple baby gates sounds like more of a risk to me.

gogohm · 11/03/2022 16:25

Speak to your midwife and see if someone can speak to him about his anxiety, thus isn't normal.

It won't help but tell him some of us didn't babyproof at all, got free stuff or second hand and managed to get our kids to adulthood without incident

NeverDropYourMooncup · 11/03/2022 16:27

I'd be inclined to make non committal 'hmms' and 'ahhs' in the hope that he's so focused upon shit that is entirely irrelevant at the newborn stage, he doesn't suddenly become The Living Oracle of Childbirth.

You don't need him deciding that you will not be giving birth or feeding in the way you want or need because he's 'looked into it and it's safer' the way he wants it to happen.

tkwal · 11/03/2022 16:46

Does he have OCD or a high level of anxiety? Did he lose someone close to him through an accident ?
There's an episode of Frasier where Niles is suffering extreme anxiety in the run up to the birth of his and Daphnes baby(please tell me you've heard of Frasier)and your post reminded me of that.
If he reads parenting /neo-natal forums he will have come across some real horror stories so that won't be helping either. Plus this is probably the first time in his life he has experienced something so completely out of his control. I reckon once the baby is actually here he will turn into a doting Dad.
Probably doesn't help you much right now but I promise you there are lots of expectant Mum's out there who are green with envy as their DH/DP thinks the baby will just fall out of them and can sleep in a cardboard box for the first few months

Aquamarine1029 · 11/03/2022 16:52

If your husband doesn't get help for his anxiety, it will destroy your marriage, and I am not being dramatic. His behaviour is untenable, and he is going to ruin having a newborn for you.

lawandgin · 11/03/2022 17:17

I'm 32+5 OP and I thought I was getting a bit anxious. Yadnbu, I couldn't cope with that.

Cherrysoup · 11/03/2022 17:21

He needs help. He sounds like the bloke the other day who wouldn’t let his wife put the baby on the floor or allow him solid food at 10 months. This must be ruining your pregnancy,

TheCatterall · 11/03/2022 18:17

Have you told him that whilst you understand he’s excited for the baby to come that his constant mithering and worrying about every single decision is sucking the enjoyment out of your relationship and pregnancy?

does he understand that his behaviour isn’t normal? Does he have friends that could talk to him?

I worry his behaviour will escalate when baby arrives. Hmm

Totalwasteofpaper · 11/03/2022 18:39

I have just had a baby.
In your shoes I would be sending him to therapy stat. Like emergency now getting an appointment for Monday.

I would be giving him a firm talking to and telling him to get his shit together as you need practical support not hand wringing.

I promise you this level of anxiety will only get worse when the baby is here.

Heed me when I tell you if you don't sort something urgently NOW he will be fucking around with stairgates that won't matter for another 12 months and sterilising bottles 3 times before deeming them fit for use while you are the other side of the flat struggling and unable to get the baby latched, and simultaneously dying of thirst YET about to wet yourself as you haven't been able to get to the toilet in 3 hours.

Sapphire387 · 11/03/2022 18:49

He sounds mentally unwell. This level of anxiety is not normal. He's also making unwise decisions. You don't need to baby-proof until your baby is mobile. A baby is a person - and thus, unpredictable. Ask him why on earth he thinks you need to chart wees and poos - makes no sense to me (and I have two older DC).

Ponoka7 · 11/03/2022 18:50

This is going to be a nightmare. Does he realise that you feed on demand and how often they pop can vary? Babies don't die from lack of sleep, you don't have to track it. He needs to read about development leaps, which throws everything off. A more relaxed approach is better for everyone.

Lolapusht · 11/03/2022 18:53

@Totalwasteofpaper

I have just had a baby. In your shoes I would be sending him to therapy stat. Like emergency now getting an appointment for Monday.

I would be giving him a firm talking to and telling him to get his shit together as you need practical support not hand wringing.

I promise you this level of anxiety will only get worse when the baby is here.

Heed me when I tell you if you don't sort something urgently NOW he will be fucking around with stairgates that won't matter for another 12 months and sterilising bottles 3 times before deeming them fit for use while you are the other side of the flat struggling and unable to get the baby latched, and simultaneously dying of thirst YET about to wet yourself as you haven't been able to get to the toilet in 3 hours.

All of this!!

He needs to seek help for his crippling anxiety now otherwise he is not going to be able to parent…or husband for that matter.

His focus is in the wrong place and he’s not going to be able to support you or the baby. That level of worrying will turn your child into a nervous wreck who has zero resilience and is incapable of doing anything for the fear of the unknown.

Also, the note books for feeds, pee and poos need to go in the bin! He’s going to be so busy writing down everything the babies he’ll actually miss the baby growing up. He will also drive you mad by telling you’re doing things “wrong”. It’s great that he’s researched what babies should/might do but nobody tells the baby. What happens if you get a refluxy baby who doesn’t sleep? How’s he going to deal with that? What about a toddler that doesn’t eat vegetables but will happily munch slugs?

Therapy…quickly!!

Lolapusht · 11/03/2022 18:55

Just another thought…if you’re breast feeding and doing it on demand, will he stop you from feeding if it’s “too soon” after the last feed? Where will he stop?

topcat2014 · 11/03/2022 18:58

My daughter is 15. When she was born there was a book about routine that we stupidly decided to follow.

We didn't have a second child but even so decided we wouldn't follow it a second time.

SpaceChocolatel · 11/03/2022 19:25

I'd speak to your midwife about your DH's anxiety, see what support for fathers they might recommend. Also speak to him of course. I don't mean to alarm you, but I think this can only get worse when baby is here and sleep deprivation sets in.

I do understand that as a first time parent you can get a bit obsessive about all of these things, but agree with pps there's really no need. The baby will sleep, just not when you want it to. They won't be mobile for months. You will feed them, one way or the other. You will supervise them.

The baby will be fine. It sounds like your DH is far from fine.

MatildaTheCat · 11/03/2022 19:26

Have a chat with your GP or midwife if DH isn’t willing to do so himself. This sounds very much like escalating anxiety and could become a real problem when the baby arrives. He may get so anxious he makes all of your lives a misery and worse.

Does he have any history of OCD or anxiety? It’s not that unusual. I met a man who became absolutely convinced he was going to inadvertently kill his baby. It took a while for him to get hep. Honestly it’s better to address this now.

Good luck