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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think DH needs to get his sh*t together

17 replies

SunnySideUp2020 · 11/03/2022 09:47

DH has always been a bit of a man child.
Always been served by his mother, grandmother and ex gfs.

When we met I clearly said that's not me and I am not here to mother him so he will need to step up and work around the house too. Which he did, not without complaining though.

We moved abroad had a baby and I am pregnant again and so a SAHM for now. Naturally I do most of childcare and housework.

Now he brought covid back home from his Saturday activity. He started to be sick and I was doing literally everything so he could just rest. His discomfort/pain tolerance is near 0. He moans, makes it sound like he is on the verge of dying etc... uses a weird voice. Clearly he has never actually been very ill.
And I am the opposite. Been through quite a bit health wise. Never moans, super practical and get on with it until I am better. I also have little sympathy for people like him. It irritates me that grown ups behave like this.

So since yesterday me and the baby have started feeling really sick with fever. Cough, flu symptoms etc.
My DH has a sore throat and cold symptoms no fever or anything crazy. Yet he is still the only one mopping around, moaning making grunting sounds, pretending like he cant clear the table or pick up the baby etc..
Constantly complaining. A nightmare.

The house was a mess and he literally wasnt helping at all. Pretending he is to unwell and watched me to everything with my temperature and feeling clearly really shit.
But i guess because I am not letting everybody know every minute of the day I dont get a break.

Aibu for feeling angry and resentful?

When I aks him to do something he will say he can't he feels to unwell most of the time. Or then will disappear after 5min.
But I believe when you have a family you need to put yourself last and attend to the ones who need you? Like am super unwell but my daughter is my priority.

What would you do?
Is it worth speaking to him about it? Or should i just get on with it and forget about him ever being able to man up.

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 11/03/2022 09:49

If he’s always been like this he’s not going to change.
Resentment is a relationship killer.
Do you have in mind what you would do if you were ever to split up ?

ColgateGirl · 11/03/2022 09:50

He's being unreasonable.

Stop cleaning the house, stop doing things beyond the essentials - maybe he'll appreciate how much you actually do then.

HabitsDieHard · 11/03/2022 09:50

ugh you poor thing I can't stand whining especially if I'm feeling rough myself. You just have to get on with things when you have kids, I would spell this out to him and tell him how unattractive his behaviour is.
Hope you feel better soon

Arabellla · 11/03/2022 09:52

You seem to have become what you told him you wouldn’t become, another mother to him.

ohhooh · 11/03/2022 09:52

It might not be nice to hear - but you know he's a man child, why did you expect him to change right now? He's clearly too selfish too!

Get yourself in a dressing gown of doom, take yourself and baby to a different room and let him deal with it. Don't keep doing things when you're ill! Make all the dramatic noises you can and maybe he'll see what it's like. I still wouldn't hold out on him changing long term though.

Sirzy · 11/03/2022 09:54

The two of you should be working to get the essential jobs done. Everything else can wait until your both feeling better.

DisforDarkChocolate · 11/03/2022 09:55

He only does this because you put up with it, stop.

Also, it's never a good idea to be a SAHP with a man like this. Get back to work before your whole life is shit.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/03/2022 09:55

You need to have time to go to bed and rest.

He needs to realise that he is a lot better now and has had his chance to rest. It’s your turn to “take to your bed” and for him to give you complete peace for a bit by taking care of everything.

I agree you seem to have become what you said you would not be. Amazing how having a child pushes some men back into the role of child themselves Hmm

SunnySideUp2020 · 11/03/2022 09:56

Ok that that's what I thought. Fighting a losing battle here...
I was quite selfish too when I was single but being a mum is a completely different mindset. Thought it worked the same for men.

And in case of splitting up I would probably move back to my home country or the UK get a job and move on...

OP posts:
MrMrsJones · 11/03/2022 09:57

Look after you and the baby, only make food for you and the baby.

Go to bed and stay there.

SunnySideUp2020 · 11/03/2022 10:00

Yeah it seems like I have become another carer.
I definitely won't put up with it forever though.
Not scared of divorce if this becomes the new norm.

I am pregnant now so it won't be another 1.5 years until I get back to work but he knows I am not going to be SAHM to suit his needs.
As I told him before, if I feel like a single parent might as well be one.

OP posts:
implantreplace · 11/03/2022 10:01

** DH has always been a bit of a man child.
Always been served by his mother, grandmother and ex gfs.**

You married him knowing this
And clearly you should add yourself to this list

implantreplace · 11/03/2022 10:04

Is it worth speaking to him about it? Or should i just get on with it and forget about him ever being able to man up.

What about the middle ground and communicating with him. Discussing. Engaging

diddl · 11/03/2022 10:26

Tbh I'd leave.

The way you talk about him.

"Pretending to be ill" "Uses a weird voice"

What's the point of being with someone that you can speak like that about?

Underfrighter · 11/03/2022 10:32

Yes you need to say something. Along the lines of you're all ill and he is over the worst of it and fever free while you have a temp. It's not fair that you are left doing it all. He can either do his share now or you are also too ill to do his share and you will take to your bed and he can figure out a plan of how to do everything.

And you need to clearly spell out that if he continues to leave his share of everything to you, and therefore expecting you will do twice of everything, and are forced into the role of mothering him, the resentment will build and it will kill your marriage.

Its fundamentally unfair that when it comes to things like illness one party can have time off to recover and the other is effectively forced into a position of having to carry on regardless

Underfrighter · 11/03/2022 10:33

Also have you considered marriage counselling?

Totalwasteofpaper · 11/03/2022 12:26

As I see it you have 3 broad choices.

  1. Stay with him and Accept your reality. Just pick up the slack and work around him.
  2. Stay with him and Restate your minimum standards and argue with him and assist / try and force him to step up and be an adult and partner.
  3. Leave him because you don't want another 40 years of this. Start planning your exit, return to work and leave him.
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