A step child / parent question

[AuntieMorag]

A bit of background: I am executer of my brothers, and my mothers wills. Both have spoken to me about their wills wishes etc.

Brother has DD1 from his first marriage, and then DS1 and DD2 from second marriage (still married). He has recently informed me that he and his wife are leaving everything to DS1 and DD2 (so the kids from the second marriage) and nothing to DD1. The reasons for this are that DD1 is likely to inherit from her mother, and that as she isn't 2ndwifes daughter she shouldn't inherit from that relationship anyway.

My DM, who was also told, is really quite upset. She wants to change her will, so that instead of her leaving everything between me and DB, she would leave 1/6 to DD1 to make up for this.

I am very close to his DD1, and find DB's behaviour awful. But, can only see that if DM does this, it would cause a breakdown in mine and DB's relationship when she dies. I want to broach it with DB and explain his behaviour is out of order. I can't begin to imagine writing one of my children out of my will just because they had a different father. DB is unlikely to have more than about 50p to leave anyone, so it's not about the money it's about the principle!

I agree it’s shocking, I think the gran sounds fab!

Can't your DM just reduce the amount she would give your DB?

Btw, my relationship with my DB and SIL would be on weak ground knowing their intentions - how awful that he clearly has no backbone.

Shocking. I'm of the view that you don't consider what the other parent may do, you only consider your own family. Personally, I would split equally between the 3 children as that's what's done in my family perhaps minus what each party brought into the marriage but the only other reasonable way to do it is for your DB and his wife to split their assets 50.50 and then DB splits his 50% 3 ways between his 3 children and his wife splits hers 2 ways between her 2 children. It leaves your brother's child far worse off than their siblings but each of your father's children gets the same share of his estate. Anything less than that is totally unacceptable.

That's phenomenon ly cruel. He's basically cutting off the daughter on his death. He might not see it that way though. I'd guess from that attitude he resents an CM too. He might not. But it paints a picture that makes it easy to jump to conclusions. What an akward position for you, as executor, when they are all related to you in the same way (well him too, but he seems prepared to forget that).

It's very cruel to not give anything to his first daughter.

I do agree that his new wife shouldn't have to leave her assets or percentage to his first daughter, her step daughter, but he should as her father! I.e. his half split between all 3 children, his wife's half split between her two children.

Wowsers

Is there anymore to it? Did his ex wife end up with everything at the end of their relationship ( so he feels all his daughter will benefit there?)

Clutching at straws there though, struggling to get my head around his logic!

That’s awful. As both you and pp have said, it’s the principle not the money.

It’s showing his dd that he doesn’t value her as much and I wouldn’t be happy to see that

your brothers' intentions for his will are apalling - but at least it's a very clear sign he understands that it's completely up to the legator who they leave their money to.
YABU - engourage your mother to leave 50% to the first daughter, not a measly 1/6 - or 1/6 to each of his children, 50% to you.

It's sometimes more complex. My BIL divorced after 20 years. He wasn't planning on more children, and wanted his children with his ex wife to be well looked after. Therefore she got the house and a sizeable chunk of the assets and he almost started again with just a deposit.
Surprisingly he met a woman in her 40s, started a relationship and she became unexpectedly pregnant at 44. He now has a 5 year old and is approaching retirement with fewer options for generating money.

His older children are in a much better financial situation. They'll inherit half the original (big) house, plus their mother is an only child with rich parents, whilst his current wife needs to support her parents. He's significantly less wealthy than his ex.
He's thinking of leaving all his assets to his youngest. The difference is though that he's spoken to his older children who acknowledge that things perhaps weren't entirely favourable to him in the divorce and understood why he's doing it. It helps that they are really fond of their bonus sibling.
Obviously if circumstances change all parties are open to revisiting things.

I have 3DC, one with one Dad, the other two with another Dad. I am not with either. DS1's dad doesn't have a pot to piss in. DS2 and DD's dad and his family are very wealthy. I still wouldn't disinherit the younger two, just because they will get more from their farher's side. As you say it is the principle and the message it sends.

Does no one consider life insurance as an asset leveler? You can buy policies of any amount, name a beneficiary, and not have to worry about a spouse changing things should you die first.

@ThinWomansBrain

your brothers' intentions for his will are apalling - but at least it's a very clear sign he understands that it's completely up to the legator who they leave their money to. YABU - engourage your mother to leave 50% to the first daughter, not a measly 1/6 - or 1/6 to each of his children, 50% to you.

This. How shocking to leave his daughter out! She would be so hurt!

Is it that all of the money is your brother's wife's? Otherwise it's hard to understand why your brother would agree to this?

The only way I can see that this is in any way fair is if the 2nd wife is the sole person bringing any money and assets into the relationship and DB is living off her.

He is doing exactly as he pleases with his estate and should respect his mothers choice to do the same.

I don't think you should say anything.

Does your brother not understand he has 3 children? How shocking he is not prepared to leave anything for his eldest, he can’t assume her mother would leave anything ( as indeed he might not)

How would he feel if his mother did not leave anything to him? That’s how his eldest is going to feel, that her father did not care about her

I think your mother is wonderful, and absolutely she should do as she has suggested, and if your brother kicks off because the youngest two get nothing, he can hand over his 2/3rd share to them now

Your DM’s plan is good. But what she should do is split everything 50/50 between the eldest and you. That way her younger GDs won’t benefit twice when their dickhead father leaves his mum’s estate plus his to them.

Did his ex get a lot upon their split? I mean if he went have 50p to his name then it doesn't really matter, does it? Have you spoken to your ex- sil?

Tricky situation. He’s basically saying his first daughter is irrelevant.

Can you explain that each child has two parents, a mum and a dad, so although dd will inherit from her mum, equally ds1 and dd2 will inherit from their (ie dh’s second wife) mum also. Therefore, everyone should inherits from two parents.

Could db split the inheritance in the proportion 1/2/2 so ds1 gets a fifth, and other two children get two fifths, if he feels his present situation should include his wife?

I think all you can do is explain how illogical and hurtful he’s being to dd1. What’s stepmothers relationship with her (and stepmum)? Is there a lot of resentment?

Gran is fab by the way.

Sorry. Got caught up in work. I'll try and answer.

The daughter has three young children and struggles, as most young parents do. Her Mum didn't leave the marriage with anything, she literally left with her clothes and that's all. She wasn't a good wife or Mum, and there was A LOT of bitterness, but I do have contact with her because of my niece and we live in a small town.

Step mother has rarely worked and they live in a housing association house. So there isn't any "protecting the step mother's assets".

On the presumption that he outlives our DM, he will inherit money. But of course, no knowing if any would be left for him to leave as inheritance anyway!! But it's the principle of it. To simply not include one child just seems so cruel.

And the 1/6 comes from there being 6 grandchildren (my three and his three).

Tbh OP I wouldn't get involved, it's not really your business.
However, I would speak to your brother and say that he needs to let his daughter know about this situation ASAP as you don't want to be dealing with it when the time comes as the executor. I'd potentially step down as their executor if he wouldn't agree to this.

Well done to your mum and she is right to change her will.

As the executor of your mums will you shouldn’t expect your DB to fall out with you over her will as you can’t change it!!! Being an executor isn’t a counselling and will advice service for the living. It’s just to sort out the wishes of the dead

You are overthinking this

That’s shocking. Our wills split everything between the 4 children, dd1 isn’t my biological daughter but I’d never deny her her fair share.