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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU that I’m upset my mum shared a secret I told her?

17 replies

Fantastique11 · 09/03/2022 19:48

Long story short. I told my mum something extremely confidential a few years back.
She is a narcissistic toxic mother I’ve since realised and I should never have trusted her.

Anyway recently she decided after a fall out with my husband that she would tell my brother my secret. She felt she couldn’t carry it anymore and had to tell him. I know this isn’t true. She was just angry at me.

My brother and his wife don’t have a good thing to say about anyone they gossip terribly and she might as well have posted it on the daily mail.

She would have told her friends and family she’s totally obsessed with gossip. She would delight in this information my mum has shared.
My parents also talk very negatively of people. They don’t really saying anything nice.

I feel so upset to be betrayed as she has exposed my deepest personal secrets and I never wanted to share with anyone. I needed someone to talk to at the time and chose her.
Wish I hadn’t.
Anyway she has brushed it off as nothing. Saying no one cares etc. I feel like I could never face any of them again (the friends and family my brother and his wife would have told).

We haven’t spoken for months and fell out quite badly over it.

I am waiting for her to apologise but she enjoys stonewalling and would probably gladly not talk to me again.

Worse still both my dad and brother no longer talk to me.
Rather than try to support me my brother just got angry and told me not to bother my mum with my ‘problems’.

It’s a horrible situation but I’m sure I should be able to trust my own mother? Maybe not.
AIBU?
Thoughts? Thanks :)

OP posts:

Nnique · 09/03/2022 19:52

Of course you should be able to. But it’s clear that sadly you can’t. I’m sorry, it’s really shit.

Jobsharenightmare · 09/03/2022 19:54

So sorry this happened to you. What a terrible betrayal.

Onlyforcake · 09/03/2022 19:55

Sorry, that sucks as a situation. Clearly your family are very much in the thrall of your mum and not to be trusted.

Original poster

Fantastique11 · 09/03/2022 20:01

First - sorry I said long story short but ut was more tbe long story !!
Thank you for your input. I kind of know that I am not being unfair about this as I’ve looked at it from all angles and I know as a parent I will always be there for my kids and nothing will be too much to hear.
I just feel so sad that this has opened my eyes to what selfish cold parents and brother I have.
I am a kind person and I’m very sensitive I try to do the right thing and want to fix things but I know it’s not going to be fixed as I can’t forgive her. I don’t know what to do with Mother’s Day coming. For once I probably have to ignore it.

OP posts:

Jobsharenightmare · 09/03/2022 20:02

She is not a mother in any meaningful sense I'm afraid. This must be really painful to finally see.

RandomBasic · 09/03/2022 20:24

If I heard "Oh, my sister in law was stealing at work."
I'd think

How do I know this is true? I did not see it with my own eyes and it wasn't a jury verdict so it is just the say so of the person who said it

I'd think less of the person who gossiped about a sensitive thing.

Prettynails · 09/03/2022 20:29

Go NC and NC means no contact for everything. My first year of NC has been bloody hard and traumatic really awful but after 6 months the sun came out. Mine stopped talking to me and I begged them to and then one day I was like / you won’t talk to me because I won’t let you abuse me or my children and I’m not going back. Head over the stately homes thread for support.

Elieza · 09/03/2022 20:30

Sorry your mother is an arse. Sounds like the apple didn’t fall far from the tree with your brother.

whynotwhy · 09/03/2022 20:32

Don't tell others your secrets. If you aren't able to keep your own secrets, why expect others to?

TyrannosaurusRegina · 09/03/2022 20:50

@whynotwhy

Don't tell others your secrets. If you aren't able to keep your own secrets, why expect others to?

Surely people should be able to confide in others, especially their own mothers?

Original poster

Fantastique11 · 09/03/2022 21:00

@whynotwhy

Don't tell others your secrets. If you aren't able to keep your own secrets, why expect others to?

Sorry I didn’t follow that. Surely if I have a problem / crisis I can confide in my mum. I expect her to keep it to herself if I be asked her to. I don’t think that is too much to ask actually. I’m a parent and I think it’s reasonable.

OP posts:

Thumpkin · 09/03/2022 21:38

@whynotwhy

Don't tell others your secrets. If you aren't able to keep your own secrets, why expect others to?

It’s her mother for goodness sake. It’s also her secret to tell, but not her mother’s to tell! I can’t believe you are siding with OP’s mother in this.

OP, have little more to do with her unless she apologises. It’s a dreadful, nasty betrayal and a toxic response from her.

PinkiOcelot · 09/03/2022 21:43

@whynotwhy

Don't tell others your secrets. If you aren't able to keep your own secrets, why expect others to?

What an absolutely ridiculous thing to say!!

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 09/03/2022 21:45

I definitely wouldn't bother about Mother's Day. In fact I wouldn't bother with any of them.

Serendipity79 · 09/03/2022 22:22

My mother is like this and its truly horrible. I used to listen to her say things like "X told me a secret today about Y and asked me not to say anything so I waited til X went home and asked Y about it - she didnt see anything wrong with being a horrid gossip and never said a nice word to say about anyone. She once told everyone at her workplace that I was pregnant even tho I asked her not to because I'd recently had a miscarriage and wanted to wait until much later when we knew the baby was viable.

We fell out after I just simply had enough of the toxic way her and my siblings treated me. I've never had such peace in my life as I do now. I've just accepted some people arent natural parents and cant seem to put their children first

You are absolutely entitled to feel upset that your mum - someone you should always be able to count on - has let you down and doesnt even seem to see what shes done. The one thing I did learn though is that you cant change them - in many cases they dont think theyre in the wrong or that they need to change, so sometimes it is genuinely better to walk away x

HopingForMyRainbowBaby · 09/03/2022 22:46

@whynotwhy

Don't tell others your secrets. If you aren't able to keep your own secrets, why expect others to?

Are you the OP's mother?!

Original poster

Fantastique11 · 09/03/2022 23:24

@Serendipity79
Thank you for taking the time to write that. Really appreciate it.
Im sorry you have had a difficult mother and had to deal with your news being shared without your consent.
I agree you can’t change them and I think once that moment of realisation happens peace follows. Initially it was very hard for me but it’s getting easier. I’ve reads a lot and discovered so much I was not aware of. I think she gaslights and I truly thought it was just me that felt this way until I read about the first concept of toxic mothers and stonewalling. It’s fascinating but equally terrible to live with.
The best article I found just said you can’t choose these people. Just because they are your family they are not necessarily good people. Often those who should love you can hurt you the most. It helped me a lot to think. I wouldn’t tolerate a friend treating me this way. Why am I accepting this from my family?
All the best to you and let’s be strong with or without them. x

OP posts:

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