Being the boss at home

[fshare]

My partner is great and helps out a lot at home, don’t get me wrong, I am super grateful for that, but when it comes to managing a lot of the things that need to be done, it feels a bit like I am the boss and they are my helper. I am starting to get a bit miffed with feeling like I carry the mental load (or most of it) for both of us. A few examples come to mind:

--> My partner does some grocery shopping which is wonderful, but they regularly defer to my knowledge of the kitchen cupboards to ask what we have and what we need - I guess it would be inefficient, but I would love if they would look themselves, or keep a mental inventory like I do

--> My partner seems to like having clean towels (as I do), but would never think to change them of their own accord. When I ask them to change the towels, they execute the task no problem and seem fine to do it, but I would love if they could think of doing it themselves without me prompting / nagging

--> A family birthday is looming and despite me reminding my partner a week or so ago, I am pretty sure they haven’t made any plans yet to send a card or get a gift. Time is rather running out if we want to make the birthday on time. I would love if my partner could handle it - it is their relative after all - but would prefer that we didn’t miss the birthday, so maybe it is easier to sort it myself than keep asking them

Now that I think of it, there are plenty of examples of me thinking of and planning tasks and essentially delegating to my partner when I would like some help …

Can anyone else relate to this? Do you have other examples of when you felt like you were the manager and your partner acted like your helper, or is it just me?

Perhaps more importantly… If the above is not totally unreasonable, has anyone worked out a way to get their partner to better share the mental load and feel like they are collaborating at home, not that they are the boss? Would love any tips for things that worked! Thank you!

I've had decades of this.The other day my dh popped into my work to discuss something then asked what he should have for tea!!erm I'm working12 hr days work it out yourself.
Tbh my kids think I made him like this as I'm organised.
I normally write lists of what needs doing around the house as he gets home at 3 and me at 11.
I would love a partner who just knew what to do and wasn't a man child.
It is exhausting.

“Write lists to let them know what to do”
“I’ll do it myself cos it’s easier”

Stop being doormats, do NOT write these useless men lists or do something cos it’s easier for you to do.

Tell him to look in the cupboards himself.
Let him miss his mother’s birthday (or whoever it is).
I’m sure they’ll quickly catch on

I normally write lists of what needs doing around the house as he gets home at 3 and me at 11.
I would love a partner who just knew what to do and wasn't a man child.

Stop treating him like a child?

has anyone worked out a way to get their partner to better share the mental load and feel like they are collaborating at home, not that they are the boss?

Decline to live with people that don't share the household tasks equally? You can usually tell before you move in with them.

My partner is great and helps out a lot at home, don’t get me wrong, I am super grateful for that

See, mine doesn't help out. He does half the jobs around the home. I don't feel super grateful! I expect him to as he also lives here.

I cook, he does the washing up/dishwasher.

We both shop from a list, that we both contribute to when things are needed. We can both shop completely independently.

He does the washing and sorts all the clothes out as he used to iron his shirts when he was working, when I worked from home I would put a wash on and he'd do the rest but since retiring he does it all.

We both clean, when we do and we take one bathroom each.

We alternate clearing the fire out, I do the kindling [with my axe] and he cleans down and brings the heavy wood in.

Everything else is jointly shared.

Don’t enable it! Let him miss the birthday. When he asks what you need for grocery shopping, tell him to look in the cupboard. However the upshot of this is don’t then criticise him when he doesn’t buy what you specifically wanted him to buy.

@ShirleyPhallus

“Write lists to let them know what to do” “I’ll do it myself cos it’s easier”

Stop being doormats, do NOT write these useless men lists or do something cos it’s easier for you to do.

Tell him to look in the cupboards himself.
Let him miss his mother’s birthday (or whoever it is).
I’m sure they’ll quickly catch on

This.

DH tried this with me a while back "I think it would be good if we changed the bed today", we meaning me doing the work whilst he observes because he's "not good at duvet covers". The only response is "yeah, that would be great, thanks for offering" and then holding them to it.

"What do we need for the shopping?"
"I don't know, have a look in the cupboards and make a meal plan."

Change only your own towel and not his if he's constantly leaving it to you. He'll soon cotton on when his towel starts looking manky.

Let him miss the birthday.

Stop helping him all the time, you're enabling him to be hopeless. He's doing it because this is easier for him, if you refuse to bear the mental load for him then he will have to do it himself. It's hard at first because they're always very surprised that you're not hand holding them through life, but if you give him no option to lean on you for this stuff then he'll have to start taking responsibility for himself.

Why are you grateful because your adult partner contributes to the up keep of the house he lives in and doesn't treat you like an unpaid house keeper? Shouldn't that be pretty standard?

As someone who has suffered with this a lot, I feel your pain. I am NOT going to suggest you do a list for your partner or whatever. Rather, agree, together, that tasks are separated by person. It's all very well saying why can't they keep track of what's in the cupboards, but there's also an argument that says why should both of you do that?

So eg, over here, DH is 100% responsible for changing the bedding, cleaning the bathrooms between fortnightly cleaners, bins, DIY, sorting laundry etc. He is also responsible for remembering to add to the shopping list any items that he particularly wants or is the only person who eats/uses that item (if I notice, sure, I'll add it, but I will accept zero responsibility or blame if it is not purchased). He is responsible for organizing/managing and attending, including packing kit, snacks etc, for DD's week time activities (I don't even have the phone number or email address of the organisers). He also handles all paperwork, insurance issues etc.

He is MOSTLY responsible for laundry but I will do a bit if I'm at home and he's out working. He is also mostly responsible for day-to-day tidying and decluttering.

I am responsible for all cooking and meal planning and shopping - he will prepare a (simple) meal if requested but I will have to ask and he will be told what to make. I handle all the admin that comes with the school (as well as DS's additional support such as tutors, OT etc) and the rest of the DC's activities and, again, will tell him if he needs to do something (ie I don't have to do it all, but I do have to keep track of it and delegate as necessary). I oversee the cleaners and am responsible for all the smaller cleaning tasks he genuinely doesn't seem to even notice - bannisters, door knobs, de-limescaling, ceiling dirt, cleaning products, towels etc. I do birthday and christmas planning but he takes the lead on the purchase of presents for his mother, sister and father and will be tasked with specific jobs as needed at my discretion (and does not complain, as he used to).

Between us we figure out day to day cleaning like vacuuming or kitchens, bed time, lunch boxes, morning routines and school runs etc.

I work more hours.

It has taken YEARS to get to this point. But it has made my life a million times better and I am a lot happier. I am not sure how DH feels. I think he is happier too because he understands more about all the stuff I was doing and, more importantly, THINKING ABOUT, and why it made me tired and resentful all the time.

A family birthday is looming and despite me reminding my partner a week or so ago, I am pretty sure they haven’t made any plans yet to send a card or get a gift. Time is rather running out if we want to make the birthday on time. I would love if my partner could handle it - it is their relative after all - but would prefer that we didn’t miss the birthday

Stop enabling him, just stop it. Let him miss the birthday and he can deal with the consequences. Stop changing the towels. Take them all down and only get yourself one when needed. Why are you "super grateful" for normal shit he should be doing?

FFS, you treat him like a child so you can keep your martyr's crown firmly on. Enough already.

Depends on each other's job. If he has a full-on mentally demanding job whilst you are more at home, it is fair that the one at home should hold more of the home mental load.

If 50/50, it should also be the same at home.

I’m pretty sure the only way to get them to take on more of the mental load is to take on less of it yourself. This is easier said than done when it comes to things like cleaning (I like a clean and tidy house) but starting with things you care less about is the first move.

I am doing it myself. DP has a uni friend and partner visiting this weekend. Every inch of me wants to get a shop in, organise activities and plan meals but I am simply not going to do it. They are his friends and he can be embarrassed if we have nothing to offer them

DP had a tendency for this learned helplessness bollocks when we first met. I have it on good authority (DSD), that he was terrible for it in the past too.

I just gave him the Paddington stare/look of disgust or pmsl/relentlessly took the piss whenever he tried it on. Like fuck would I be writing him lists or reminding him about basic adulting shit. He knows better now and does his fair share (which horrifies his mother, naturally).

Stop accepting it. It’s the only way they learn.

That ‘feeling like the boss’ thing is seeping into your writing. It sounds like ‘Even better if…’ feedback. Is this how you talk to him?

@TwoCoffeesPlease

I’m pretty sure the only way to get them to take on more of the mental load is to take on less of it yourself. This is easier said than done when it comes to things like cleaning (I like a clean and tidy house) but starting with things you care less about is the first move.

I am doing it myself. DP has a uni friend and partner visiting this weekend. Every inch of me wants to get a shop in, organise activities and plan meals but I am simply not going to do it. They are his friends and he can be embarrassed if we have nothing to offer them

I'd be interested in an update on this story after the weekend :p

My partner is great and helps out a lot at home,
You think of his input as 'help' That's the main issue

Family birthdays isn't a thing with us, I do mine he does his

'Where does this live', is one of my pet hate phrases

@BlingLoving

As someone who has suffered with this a lot, I feel your pain. I am NOT going to suggest you do a list for your partner or whatever. Rather, agree, together, that tasks are separated by person. It's all very well saying why can't they keep track of what's in the cupboards, but there's also an argument that says why should both of you do that?

So eg, over here, DH is 100% responsible for changing the bedding, cleaning the bathrooms between fortnightly cleaners, bins, DIY, sorting laundry etc. He is also responsible for remembering to add to the shopping list any items that he particularly wants or is the only person who eats/uses that item (if I notice, sure, I'll add it, but I will accept zero responsibility or blame if it is not purchased). He is responsible for organizing/managing and attending, including packing kit, snacks etc, for DD's week time activities (I don't even have the phone number or email address of the organisers). He also handles all paperwork, insurance issues etc.

He is MOSTLY responsible for laundry but I will do a bit if I'm at home and he's out working. He is also mostly responsible for day-to-day tidying and decluttering.

I am responsible for all cooking and meal planning and shopping - he will prepare a (simple) meal if requested but I will have to ask and he will be told what to make. I handle all the admin that comes with the school (as well as DS's additional support such as tutors, OT etc) and the rest of the DC's activities and, again, will tell him if he needs to do something (ie I don't have to do it all, but I do have to keep track of it and delegate as necessary). I oversee the cleaners and am responsible for all the smaller cleaning tasks he genuinely doesn't seem to even notice - bannisters, door knobs, de-limescaling, ceiling dirt, cleaning products, towels etc. I do birthday and christmas planning but he takes the lead on the purchase of presents for his mother, sister and father and will be tasked with specific jobs as needed at my discretion (and does not complain, as he used to).

Between us we figure out day to day cleaning like vacuuming or kitchens, bed time, lunch boxes, morning routines and school runs etc.

I work more hours.

It has taken YEARS to get to this point. But it has made my life a million times better and I am a lot happier. I am not sure how DH feels. I think he is happier too because he understands more about all the stuff I was doing and, more importantly, THINKING ABOUT, and why it made me tired and resentful all the time.

This ^^ approach is really good. It is similar to what is suggested in the book "Fair Play" which I really recommend!

Basically each person takes FULL ownership for tasks from the thought process, planning abs execution and therefore the FULL mental load for that category goes on them.

It worked for us. I never have to think about emptying the dishwasher ever again - yay! And DH doesn't need to go near the online shopping.

It's all very well when women come on to say "don't end up with such a man" but honestly, we live in a patriarchy and we are all part of the system and sons are continuing to be raised in that way that produce men who say "I'm no good at xxx". Sooo many otherwise decent men still fall into this category. (Not my sons, I hasten to add)! So in the interests of harmony it's a good idea to find a system that works for us and reduces our mental load.

It isn't about fixing him... It's about fixing you.
Your not his boss, or his mother.
I see two ways this goes.. The people who advocate lost writing, delegate tasks, simple steps, lots of praise, who maybe years later have "trained" up their dh. But that involves you still carrying mental load.
Or the "just stop" brigade. Harder to do but far quicker and effective.
I did latter... So queries about what was in cupboards were met with blank look, shrug and "I don't know".. Followed by return to whatever I was doing.
I suspect the OP will struggle to give up the engrained view that her dh "helps"

It's all very well when women come on to say "don't end up with such a man" but honestly, we live in a patriarchy and we are all part of the system and sons are continuing to be raised in that way that produce men who say "I'm no good at xxx"

I really think what @SpecialDay says here is very important. Dh is a modern man, considers himself a feminist ally etc etc, but at the end of the day, he was brought up in the patriarchy and some things were just ingrained. He had to have them pointed out, and then be the kind of man who actually was willing to listen and learn, before things changed. We had lots of the "but if you'd just asked me...." conversations. Lots of them. And change wasn't that quick.

I think a lightbulb moment for him was around the DC's birthdays. This whole machine would swing into action- presents, surprises, parties, food etc - and suddenly he just realised that it wasn't me doing it because I enjoyed it. That actually, it was a whole "THING".

Having said all that, Im embarrassed to admit that I've just spotted our (male) neighbour bringing our bins round into our driveway. His bins and ours are all together on bin days sort of between our driveways. I was out there 10 minutes ago.... I didn't even notice them. I think I have more sympathy now for Dh's complete refusal to even acknowledge that dust builds up!