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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hair cut

52 replies

WeBurnedSoBrightWeBurnedOut · 09/03/2022 10:49

Hi all

DC is 5, has beautiful long hair, wants it cutting to just past shoulders, currently about 3 inches from bottom of back. Gets in their way at school and when playing (even when tied up)and generally annoys them.

One parent is happy for them to have it cut. Other parent flat out refusing, so...

YANBU - their hair, their choice, regardless of young age.
YABU - too young to make the decision themselves, the hair stays long.

OP posts:
ShortColdandGrey · 09/03/2022 14:18

She should be allowed to choose herself. My DD is the same age and when when she goes to the hairdressers she tells them how much she wants off. The only person that complains is MIL who thinks all her GDD's should have hair down to their bums.

merryhouse · 09/03/2022 14:54

Could you absent-mindedly leave your sewing scissors on the coffee table while you make dinner? Grin

AryaStarkWolf · 09/03/2022 14:58

@TabithaTittlemouse

It gets in the way and annoys them. Cut it.
This. Poor kid let them be comfortable!
AryaStarkWolf · 09/03/2022 15:02

Your husband shouldn't get to decide his daughters hair style in spite of his daughter not wanting that style and his wife not agreeing with him. Get it cut for her, don't let him dictate this, it's a dangerous message to send your daughter if you do

TheGrinchsDog · 09/03/2022 15:04

@katmarie

By refusing her the haircut he is telling her that the way she looks to a male observer is more important than her own comfort. Which is a frankly terrible message to send to any child.

Her hair is annoying her. That alone is good enough reason to cut it. My DS's hair is beautiful and thick and wavy and I think it looks lovely when it's longer and a bit shaggy. But it makes his head hot and sweaty, and itchy, so we keep it nice and short for him. His comfort is far more important to me than how he looks.

This ^

I was 7 when I asked for my first proper haircut. I could sit on it and had it chopped to shoulder length. My Dad was really against it and then didn't talk to me for a week or so.

DF/DH that do shit like this are problematic. It won't be the only thing he will try to control in her life and she will always remember his reactions.

My relationships with men have been bad. As in I have chosen abusive partners. I am now single and plan to stay that way. I really believe that my parents relationship and particularly how my DF was have quite a lot to do with this.

Be very careful @WeBurnedSoBrightWeBurnedOut

Justmuddlingalong · 09/03/2022 15:05

She wants it cut, you want it cut. He doesn't. I'd book an appointment for her and be having a serious conversation with him about his trying to overrule her choice on something as personal as a haircut. That doesn't bode well for the future IMO.

Theforest · 09/03/2022 15:07

At 5 surely they can decide. What's the big deal?

TheTeenageYears · 09/03/2022 15:22

She can decide on how she wants her hair. Also look at donating - it will be a great thing for her to do. I would absolutely go up against DH on this, he needs to stop and think about how he is portraying himself with this opinion.

Gonnagetgoing · 09/03/2022 15:26

Let her have it cut.

I had long hair for a lot of my childhood which tangled easily, had to be brushed and in plaits. One day DM cut it and made a mistake and I ended up having a shoulder length bob cut by a hairdresser friend of DM's!

It'll be so much easier for her to deal with if shorter.

Gonnagetgoing · 09/03/2022 15:27

My niece (who's almost 5) last year for school she got her long hair cut into a bob, her choice, she wanted it. Still in the same bob and her mum mentioned to me "it's so much easier!".

Blossomandbee · 09/03/2022 16:07

YANBU it's her hair and it's length is hindering her. Just past the shoulders isn't exactly drastic and it will be much more manageable. I can't see why you wouldn't allow it.

peboh · 09/03/2022 16:33

Cut it. It's just hair, it's grows back. Allow her to make this choice for herself.

Ncwinc · 09/03/2022 16:38

My grandad had that attitude about my mother’s hair. She hated it and wanted it cut. He wanted it kept long. When she hit 14 she had it all shorn off and she’s never had it longer than 2 inches since.

dfendyr · 09/03/2022 16:39

Her hair, her decision

pictish · 09/03/2022 16:43

Yanbu. Very long hair is a pain in the arse. My dd had it until a few months ago when she finally decided to get it cut…hallelujah!
It had to be her decision and something she was happy with, long or short.

Why is your dh so keen for her to have pain in the arse hair? Does think it’s feminine or some shit like that?

pictish · 09/03/2022 16:45

“ By refusing her the haircut he is telling her that the way she looks to a male observer is more important than her own comfort. Which is a frankly terrible message to send to any child.

Her hair is annoying her. That alone is good enough reason to cut it. ”

Exactly.

NETSRIK · 09/03/2022 16:55

If her Dad starts controlling the length of her hair, he'll control other things. Please don't teach your daughter that her choices are second to his

WomanStanleyWoman · 09/03/2022 17:04

@Prettybubblesintheair

That would annoy me so much, he’s her dad not her keeper and she isn’t an object to look cute and pretty she’s a person with valid thoughts and feelings. Let her have her hair how she wants it but make it very clear hair takes a long time to grow back! When I was little my hair was cut into a Bob (at my request I think!) and I was devastated that it didn’t grow back overnight! I would have been maybe 5/6 and no one really explained to me that if I didn’t like it I’d have to grow it out and I was so upset!
I think this is important. Absolutely she should be allowed to have it cut if that’s what she wants, but a child of that age probably can’t conceive how long it would take to grow back if she doesn’t like it.

When did she first ask to have it cut? Maybe wait a couple of weeks to make sure she still wants it done. But yes, the final choice should be hers.

Rizzoli123 · 09/03/2022 18:39

Mind had lovely long hair. When he went to school teacher made me cut it to just above his collar 😓. He looks lovely but sentimental old he wishes it was still long even though it's more practical for them now

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 09/03/2022 18:41

Imo the one who has to wash, brush and wrangle a dc to do so gets to decide..

quitefranklyabsurd · 09/03/2022 18:44

You need to give the clear message that they make the decisions about their body.

It’s her hair her choice. If you start giving the indication that others have ownership over decisions about her body it is a very slippery slope.

Bodily autonomy is key - her body is not a democracy!

Original poster
WeBurnedSoBrightWeBurnedOut · 09/03/2022 19:04

I think with DP it is a case of him wanting her to look cutsey and girly, maybe because she's the youngest, i'm not sure. When i challenged him on it he just said she was too young to decide herself and she can wait a few years.

I have obviously told him that it's not his decision to make. I'd already had a chat with DD about it and told her that if it gets cut it, it wont be back overnight and she said it's ok because it will grow back.

I was just mentioning it in conversation, not running it by him or asking his opinion and it was a flat no. Maybe i'll have to delve deeper and see why he thinks it's OK tell her no. His parents are very controlling so maybe it's that.

Needless to say, she'll be getting it cut.

OP posts:
PonyPatter44 · 09/03/2022 19:12

There are a couple of PPs here who may be my sisters! My dad was also super-controlling over our hair when we were children. I desperately wanted short hair, because my long long hair was straight and untidy at the same Time. I wanted a sleek bob like my two best friends had.

I've always felt there was something a bit unhealthy about my dad's issues around women's hair. My mum also had very long hair, and didn't get it cut until after my dad died. When I went to uni I cut my hair short, and had an inverted bob for YEARS....now I've got long hair again but its what I want, not anyone else's diktat.

Let your DD get her hair cut, OP. Its just hair, it grows back.

quitefranklyabsurd · 09/03/2022 19:21

When was the last time he asked you for permission to cut his hair? I doubt he seeks your approval and has his hair the way he wants.

She’s not too young at all!

HappyDays40 · 09/03/2022 19:43

I seriously don't understand why parents don't allow her children to so what they want with their hair within reason. I find it really weird, why would you not let your child cut their hair really?

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