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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I tell my friend about this wedding?

23 replies

WomanStanleyWoman · 09/03/2022 09:09

Sorry if this is vague - I’m trying to ensure I don’t get recognised!

Next week I’ll be seeing a friend in person for the first time in ages. We message regularly though. I knew she’d had an argument a while back with someone we both know (a close friend to her, but not to me), but she never really mentioned it again, so I assumed it had blown over.

It turns out they’ve fallen out permanently - to the point that my friend got upset when she saw pictures on Facebook of one of her friends on a night out with said woman. She acknowledged she had no right to expect to be told, but she’d convinced herself her friend was choosing this woman over her somehow.

The problem is, I’m also going to be seeing this woman soon 😬 I haven’t arranged to see her, as she’s only really an acquaintance to me, but we’re both invited to the same wedding and, as neither of us will know many people there, I imagine the bride will sit us together…

When I see my friend, do I tell her about the wedding? I worry it will cause unnecessary hassle - but then again, surely it will be worse if I pop up on her timeline in a picture with this woman?

I’m too old for all this… 😞

OP posts:

Original poster

WomanStanleyWoman · 09/03/2022 09:25

Shameless bump

OP posts:

Sanch1 · 09/03/2022 09:29

I'd say something like 'Oh gosh, you know so and sos wedding that I'm going to next week?? well guess who else is going? Hope I don't get sat with her, wouldn't that be awkward?!'

Treaclepie19 · 09/03/2022 09:30

I'd probably mention it in passing that you're going to the wedding. Then she can put two and two together and you won't be making a big deal of it? Ultimately though when you fall out with someone you have to just learn to live with it eventually.

Funkyslippers · 09/03/2022 09:30

I wouldn't tell her. So what if you're going to the same wedding? And if you're seated together that's not down to you. You can tell her after.

Aimee1987 · 09/03/2022 09:30

I hate this drama shit. It pisses me off too so I feel your pain.
I would casually droo it into conversation. Any plan? Oh I'm going to Ys wedding next week ......
Then after go you'll never guess x was at Ys wedding before it has time to end up on her timeline?
But yeah this is proper teenage drama that I couldn't be dealing with.
Alternatively you could tell your friend to grow up that you will encounter people so unless this person has done something particularly vile you cant carry her grudge.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 09/03/2022 09:32

I’d mention it to her. How she responds will tell you a lot about your friendship.
But there’s no need to make a big deal about it. Just mention in passing

Palavah · 09/03/2022 09:34

@Sanch1

I'd say something like 'Oh gosh, you know so and sos wedding that I'm going to next week?? well guess who else is going? Hope I don't get sat with her, wouldn't that be awkward?!'

Don't say that - then you're complicit in the schoolyard behaviour, plus it will be awkward if photos emerge of you talking to this woman.

Original poster

WomanStanleyWoman · 09/03/2022 09:34

@Treaclepie19

I think I will. It would feel too weird to not mention the wedding, as she knows the bride too.

OP posts:

ikeepseeingit · 09/03/2022 09:34

I wouldn’t bother telling her much other than you have plans to go to a wedding. You didn’t make the invite list!

Pinkdelight3 · 09/03/2022 09:35

Agree with @Funkyslippers. I'd forget about it and not let it overhang things in advance. You're going to a wedding, nothing wrong with that and no need to bring it up a propos of nothing. Course if she starts wanging on about this person she fell out with, then you can say she'll probably be at the wedding you're going to. But I wouldn't get involved in slagging her off or pretending you actively don't want to see her. Brush over it as much as possible then she can't feed the drama.

Thatsplentyjack · 09/03/2022 09:36

@Funkyslippers

I wouldn't tell her. So what if you're going to the same wedding? And if you're seated together that's not down to you. You can tell her after.

I wouldn't either, it's not like you have any control over who's at the wedding

. It would be really weird if she got annoyed about you being at a wedding this woman was also attending.

Thatsplentyjack · 09/03/2022 09:37

@Sanch1

I'd say something like 'Oh gosh, you know so and sos wedding that I'm going to next week?? well guess who else is going? Hope I don't get sat with her, wouldn't that be awkward?!'

Why would it be awkward OP didn't fall out with the woman, she doesn't even know ow her.

lemongreentea · 09/03/2022 09:40

IF you are worried about telling her and her negative reaction, then she isnt much of a friend and makes everything about herself. I'd reconsider the friendship tbh. this level of drama isnt good for you

Tigofigo · 09/03/2022 09:41

How do you know this other woman is going?

Original poster

WomanStanleyWoman · 09/03/2022 09:54

@Tigofigo

How do you know this other woman is going?

I don’t know for certain - but she’s a close friend of the bride, so more likely that she is than she isn’t.

OP posts:

Erinyes · 09/03/2022 10:00

You sound as if you’re tiptoeing around her sensibilities and almost asking permission to attend a wedding at which you may be seated with her ex-friend, something outside your control. That’s mad. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Mention the wedding by all means. Don’t get sucked not someone else’s drama.

Ponoka7 · 09/03/2022 10:19

You need to tell her. In all the threads which have had the OP not invited, her friends saying nothing as added to her being hurt and feeling like they can't be trusted and aren't really friends.

nonevernotever · 09/03/2022 10:20

I'm with the group who would just drop in a casual remark about going to Barbara 's wedding and move on to other topics. That way you haven't got the awkwardness of trying to avoid the subject or have to deal with any fallout from concealing something, but you're not making it a bigger deal than it is.

WorraLiberty · 09/03/2022 10:21

Just mention it in exactly the same way you might mention going to another wedding.

Anything else is just pandering to the petty childishness.

Cabbagepie · 09/03/2022 10:27

Honestly I would try and avoid getting drawn into this at all. You haven't had a falling out with the woman concerned who you describe as only an acquaintance, so no skin in the game imo. Mention the wedding if it comes up in conversation about plans etc., but I wouldn't be speculating on the guest list.

Erinyes · 09/03/2022 10:55

@Ponoka7

You need to tell her. In all the threads which have had the OP not invited, her friends saying nothing as added to her being hurt and feeling like they can't be trusted and aren't really friends.

But there doesn’t seem to have been any issue about the friend not being invited to the wedding — the OP is just worried she’s going to throw a strop if she sees her sitting next to her ex-friend in a photo, as she thinks they will be seated together. I think that’s mad.

cheapskatemum · 09/03/2022 11:10

@Sanch1

I'd say something like 'Oh gosh, you know so and sos wedding that I'm going to next week?? well guess who else is going? Hope I don't get sat with her, wouldn't that be awkward?!'

This is genius!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/03/2022 11:12

I'd just say something like?

Pretty vague but still letting her know...
You remember name (bride), she's getting married soon! I'm so looking forward to going to the wedding. Will be a nice change after all the pandemic!

And I wouldn't say anything else...

If she says... My ex friend will be there.
I'd say - oh perhaps she will, but i hope we don't end up on same table...

Actually I'd say to bride now.. At the wedding breakfast Cna I sit with x and y? (don't mention the falling out and hope she knows /guesses)
.
It is NOT your responsibility to second guess the wedding list...

On a wider theme... I can understand friend you're meeting being a bit miffed when other pals are seen out with ex friend...

But how does she expect people to be? To never ever be in the same post code as this is somehow disloyal?

If it were me and it was a massive falling out... Eg Slept with my husband /tricked me out of life savings... I'd be upset if a close pal was still seeing her socially as this would seem as a f**K you move and I'd question the friendship.

(this happened to me when one close pal slept with another close pals husband over several months....i immediately stopped having any contact with her... And haven't spoken to her for over 25 years... In believed it was so bloody awful and caused a family break up... It was a hill I would die on... Also if she treated this pal so badly... She'd treat me/others as badly. Apparently she was miffed I was no longer speaking to her... 😳).

But if you're both guests at a wider event.... Does you friend expect you NOT to go? IMHO this is unreasonable... Although if she knew it was going to be a very intimate event... Eg 6 people around a table for a lunch date- I'd hope they refuse the invite... But if 30/50/100 people at a wedding ... No I'd expect them to go and enjoy and avoid.

Also we all know with SM you can be pictured with someone and you don't know them/haven't spoken to them... Someone has just taken a snap and you're standing next to them.

Listen very carefully if she brings up disloyal pal... It will tell you her beliefs about friendships/loyalty /reasonablebess

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