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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To cancel date?

14 replies

Jj2431 · 09/03/2022 08:21

This is genuinely for a friend as I'm married with kids.

Friend went on a dating site. Got to know a guy who she has lots of common interests with, they seem to be headed in the same direction in life other than the fact she has a child and he doesn't (they are both late thirties), he makes her laugh and she finds him attractive but...

He has just told her yesterday that he is still friends with his ex wife. They have no children together. If they did then friend would be empathetic towards it. He has said there was no argument or cheating that led to the divorce so I can only assume they grew apart but not sure. He said his ex wife still has contact with his family but it's because her family are either passed away or not on good terms with her and she was close to his family and they've taken her under their wing basically. They also share pets. My friend feels uncomfortable and feels like she would be the third wheel and that the relationship feels not over based on this but she really likes him, the AIBU is...

YABU you get along and it would be stupid to miss out on a potentially good relationship for something that could be nothing.

YANBU this is a red flag and is too cosy.

OP posts:
Fatgalslim · 09/03/2022 08:24

I mean, he's doing nothing wrong so no red flag. I'm friends with a few exes and socialise with them occasionally, but she's not wrong if it's not something she wants to get involved in

Original poster
Jj2431 · 09/03/2022 10:07

I agree with you actually. She has never met either of them so it's hard to say if there are red flags or not.

OP posts:
TheOccupier · 09/03/2022 10:48

I wouldn't cancel the date but I'd be wary. I dated someone who was still friendly with his ex-wife and he mentioned her a LOT. It was one of the reasons why I ended things after a couple of months.

Cabbagepie · 09/03/2022 10:54

I think I would be happier dating someone who could end a marital relationship without hatred and vitriol. However if our conversation kept featuring the ex wife, I would bow out.

Michellebops · 09/03/2022 10:54

I wouldn't cancel, I'm still friends with my ex's family and it works for us. My ex's new wife doesn't feel threatened by it.
She should go and enjoy the date, she doesn't have to continue seeing him afterwards if it doesn't work for her

Original poster
Jj2431 · 09/03/2022 10:56

I think it's the fact they have no reason to be in contact as they have no kids and he referred to himself as the cats dad and then said they liked going to their mum's..almost like a shared connection with his ex wife and why are his family still pandering to his ex? I would go as well because it could be nothing but my sensors would be going. Apparently he hasn't mentioned her until she asked him about his past relationships, so far

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 09/03/2022 10:57

They haven't even met yet? There seems little point plunging into something that she feels uncomfortable with because it might be good, unless she really wants to. I'd say as a general rule being on friendly terms with an ex is not a bad thing, arguably less of a red flag than someone obsessed with an ex's awfulness (like I am - but I'm not dating!). However, there's being friendly and there's still being in their pocket to an unhealthy degree. Time would tell which it is - if she wants to give it the time and potentially miss out on another promising partner. There are an awful lot of available men in the world and most of them sound good before you meet them...

JustLyra · 09/03/2022 10:59

@Jj2431

I think it's the fact they have no reason to be in contact as they have no kids and he referred to himself as the cats dad and then said they liked going to their mum's..almost like a shared connection with his ex wife and why are his family still pandering to his ex? I would go as well because it could be nothing but my sensors would be going. Apparently he hasn't mentioned her until she asked him about his past relationships, so far
Why the assumption they are “pandering” to her?

It is entirely possible she’s just part of their family and they like her.

Why would they need to cut her off if the divorced pair are amicable and friendly?

It’s quite interesting that you’ve assumed she’s driving it and they’re pandering to her.

Original poster
Jj2431 · 09/03/2022 11:01

I'm using my friend's words, not my own.

OP posts:
gannett · 09/03/2022 11:06

Well she doesn't have to go on any dates she doesn't want to but IMO a man who gets on well with his exes is a good sign. Better that than a man with festering resentment about his exes, or one with a history of hostile breakups.

"Just grew apart, realised we weren't compatible" is a more common reason for splits than any of the more dramatic, hateful stuff IME. And it generally means the former couple are very aware and on the same page that they don't work in a relationship together.

I don't think there's anything to suggest the relationship isn't over, that's a stretch. Why shouldn't his family stay in contact with someone they like, with no family of her own?

Your friend can do what she wants but I find her assumptions a bit odd and territorial.

JustLyra · 09/03/2022 11:07

@Jj2431

I'm using my friend's words, not my own.
Then her use of pandering is quite yelling.

Internalised misogyny is strong with words like pandering. Right up there with hysterical imo.

Justcallmebebes · 09/03/2022 11:13

and why are his family still pandering to his ex?

I think that's a little harsh especially when your friend hasn't even met him yet. I am still on extremely good terms with my ex's family after the end of our relationship well over 20 odd years ago. Not everyone has to be at loggerheads with their ex and why should his family not be on good terms with her too?

It's a little controlling especially as they haven't even met. I think the bloke should be taking note of the red flags, not your friend

Original poster
Jj2431 · 09/03/2022 11:19

I will feed all this back to her thanks

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 09/03/2022 11:21

Yabu, I think I'd almost feel the exact opposite. How awesome that they both moved on from a situation that wasn't quite right.

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