How do I let go of the guilt?

[JungleBerry]

My son (1) has never been a fantastic sleeper, he's not awful but he's not great either. Rarely has a night where he sleeps through completely still but usually these days it's only once during the night he'll wake.

He's been poorly recently with high temp, irritability, off his food etc .. he's been to the GP who just said viral and see how he goes. He's actually started picking up the past couple of days.

Basically during the height of it he was terrible at night, just wouldn't sleep at all was so upset, screaming and whinging all night. I felt like a zombie the whole week.

There was one night where I was trying everything, cuddling, rocking, cooing, bottle, nappy changed, singing etc... He'd had calpol and didn't have a temp at this point.

That night he went from 1am to 6am without sleeping a wink.

After about 3 hours of none stop crying I felt myself getting really angry and I shouted JUST FUCKING SHUT UP and then said quietly "I hate you right now!" and left the room, went downstairs and was so so mad.

Obviously it didn't help the situation at all and just made him even more inconsolable.

I went back upstairs after 10 mins and cuddled him, kissed him, told him I was sorry, eventually he fell asleep.

But I still days later feel so horribly guilty about it, like maybe I'm just not a good Mum at all.

I look at him now and think how could I say that to you? I feel disgusted with myself. I feel ashamed too that what if my neighbours heard me shouting.

He's so loved and wanted and the thought of anyone thinking he's treated badly makes me so upset and even worse the thought of him being scared of me shouting in that moment makes me feel sick.

I feel utterly awful.

This is normal OP in these types of situations, there is not much that's more frustrating than being kept awake when you need to sleep, repeatedly, and you are human, not a machine.

At least he is only 1 and won't remember it. I said the same to my 4 year old in lockdown when they had spent all day moaning, I was trying to do work and childcare and fun activities and she wouldn't leave me alone. I completely lost it, and I never lose it (I can be snappy but thsts it normally). I screamed it as well and unfortunately my partner was on a work call and they heard everything as well!

sleep deprivation is torture OP. Been there done that. You walked away and that was the best thing to do.

Don’t worry op we have all been there. Anyone who says they haven’t is lying or has a nanny.
As long as you are a decent parent for 90% of the time your child will be fine.

The fact you feel so bad and worried shows you are a good mum.

We have all been there, I absolutely adore my DC but yes I've shouted before just like this. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for this is a normal human reaction! Children are hard work especially when they are so young and poorly it's so so demanding.

Forget about it as your little one will have.

Xx

Don't beat yourself up over it OP. There's a reason sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. I had a similar lapse when my youngest was little and never stopped crying. I'm not proud of it, and the memory does bother me occasionally (even though DC is 25 now!) but I understand I was pushed to my limit, and I am not a Saint. You're doing your best, so cut yourself some slack.

The worst thing you can do for your child is to be dragging out the upset you feel.

Lack of sleep is just the worst thing ever.

The most important thing for your child is a well mum.

You are doing your best and you are human.

Kindly meant, but you will have other days like this in the future, raising children can be hard and we all can get irritated at times.

All any of us can do is our best.

You sound so loving and kind to your child.

How about you be a bit kinder to yourself?

Move on from this.

I think you need to realise, in the nicest possible way, that there's nothing special about this. It happens all the time

Thank you all. I think I just needed to be told it's not uncommon. I feel so bad because he was poorly and everyone else was so "oh poor baby, poor DS" and obviously I felt very sorry for him too but I'd shouted at him and told him I hated him at the time he just needed me most.

I think like PP said, just need to accept I'm not a machine. I kind of got it into my head that other mums are just dealing with this stuff and I'm not if that makes sense.

I'm not even an angry person usually, it was scary!

I would be astonished by any mother who swears she didn't do this.
It's ok. Honestly no damage done.

Yep, been there, done that. Sleep deprivation makes you think and say things you usually wouldn't. You will forget about it soon.

OP, look up 'rupture and repair'. I think the main thing is that you apologised. These things can be damaging when the parent just tries to sweep it under the carpet and pretend it didn't happen, but you used it as an opportunity to model a sincere apology. Sleep deprivation is awful and most parents have said something we regret in the heat of the moment.

We have all been there to some extent and have overreacted or said things we didn't mean. I've felt the guilt too. As PP have said, don't drag out your upset. Even toddler have to learn you are human and sometimes lash out!
I found that after I lost control- very similar to you, I felt bad and that helped me to react more calmly in the future as
I also couldn't cope with the guilt. Not to say I've never lost my temper since, sleep deprivation is the absolute worst.
The fact you are feeling bad shows it was out of character and an act of desperation. Be kind to yourself, parenting it SO HARD.
You are doing an amazing job x

Ok, I'm sorry but I have to say I don't think it's 'normal' or that every mum has done this. I find it really hard to read the chorus of people coming forward on posts like this to normalise and downplay abusive behaviour.

There's nothing ok about it. A child is a child. They rely on the parent for survival. The parent is so much bigger than them. It's not a fair argument, no matter how tired we are. It's frightening and intimidating and world shaking to be screamed at and told you are hated.

OP, you're not a bad person but that behaviour wasn't ok. That's why you feel bad. Please be strong enough to face it and learn from it and not repeat it.

People lining up to tell you 'it happens to all of us', I don't agree.

If you're losing control then the best thing would be to leave your son safely in his cot and remove yourself from the situation. It's not his job at one to absorb your anger and frustration.

Please take care of yourself.

That's so far from bad mum territory that you don't have to worry at all. I know easier said than done. Sleep deprivation does terrible things to us. The good news is that at 1 he won't remember or even have understood what you said. The even better news is that you did the right thing immediately after. You left the room, calmed down,then apologised and gave him lots of cuddles. You will both be fine. Hope he's feeling better again op. It's so hard when they aren't sleeping, isn't it?

Also, it's ok to feel guilty. That will remind you to next time maybe step back a bit earlier when you are starting to feel the frustration build up and change track. Guilt is good if it changes our behaviour but not if it's dragged out and negatively impacts our next steps. You live and learn OP. And yes, I think most of us had to go through this learning step of losing our temper and then learning what our limits are so we don't repeat it.

@Ivyonafence

People wouldn't be saying it was normal if it wasn't. MN is massively protective of children and massively sensitive to abuse. The majority here are saying they get it, but nobody's saying it's ideal or that they've been happy when it's happened to them.

Hope he's feeling better again op

He is thank you!

Thank you for all the comments