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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sleep deprivation is actually torture

31 replies

Sofiegiraffe · 09/03/2022 07:38

AIBU?? Or is this true? Before I had a baby I thought people were being dramatic when they made this statement but my GOD, I was a dick. It's so torturous.

My almost 1 year old will not sleep. I am beyond the point where "exhausted" even describes how I feel anymore. My head is permanently fuzzy and hazy and it's a challenge to string a sentence together. I basically feel drunk, like my mind is catching up slowly to the environment around me but always three steps behind. I have permanent burning pain behind my eyes. When will this torture end? I'm on a training course with work today - would it be acceptable to turn off the camera and snooze? 😩

OP posts:

CowboySong · 09/03/2022 07:40

Do you have a small amount of disposable funds? Probably unpopular but I hired a sleep consultant to get my then 11 month old to sleep. It was awful and took a long time but now at 2.5 years old I'm so grateful I stuck it out.

CowboySong · 09/03/2022 07:41

And yes it is torture and no it wouldn't be acceptable but needs must. Have a sick day if necessary and catch up on some sleep.

DaisyTheUnicorn · 09/03/2022 07:46

Yes it is. I wouldn't have been able to work. I struggled through the day and honestly felt I was starting to hallucinate.

Not everyone gets it. "Oh yes my baby wakes up once" etc.

We later found out mine had sleep apnea - didnt sleep thru until 3yr6months and explained why all the things we tried didn't work!

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 09/03/2022 07:48

2 years ago during his army training my ds was deprived of sleep.. He said it was horrendous.. He apologised for when he was a baby and kept me up!!

Sexnotgender · 09/03/2022 07:49

YANBU. I’ve had days where I felt drunk and my 11 month old is generally a good sleeper. When she was ill though😱 I didn’t know humans could survive on so little sleep.

Original poster

Sofiegiraffe · 09/03/2022 08:03

I'm struggling to work now, it's really taking its toll. I don't have a choice though. I can take sick days but I really need to get this training done today. Just hoping for a better night tonight - she has random good nights here and there. I may consider a sleep consultant if things don't improve soon. I'm hoping she'll improve after her 1st birthday but I know many don't! 😩

OP posts:

Goldendaffodils · 09/03/2022 08:03

Absolutely agree OP! I remember by the time my DD was about 15 months old I felt literally ill, all day every day. Drunk, delicious, the works. The brain fog was unreal and I had no immune system at all, it used to take me weeks to shake off a cold!

BUT I promise you it passes! Mine is 4 now and sleeps like a log, and my body has completely blanked out the experience of sleep deprivation, because if I get a slightly disturbed night nowadays I feel rough as anything all the next day.

I can’t believe I functioned like that for so long! Hang in there, if you’re baby is almost one then the worst is behind you now!

Treesuphooray · 09/03/2022 08:04

It really is awful! My daughter is almost 4 now and mostly sleeps well if one of us is in with her. But went through long periods of either being up for hours or waking every 45 mins. I think the sleep 45 min and wake for an hour was the worst. I’d get woken just as I dropped off which really was torture. I remember thinking about sleep as some kind of delicious thing that one day I might have!

Baby 2 is here now and I’m really hoping he’s a good sleeper!

Obira · 09/03/2022 08:07

I got so little sleep I hallucinated and kept having micro sleeps while sitting upright. Like I’d be driving and would fall asleep for a second then snap awake. One time my car mounted the kerb during one of these incidents. I regularly had screaming fits because someone had woken the baby up when he was finally asleep, one time I ran outside naked to yell at the postman who had woken the baby up and I just lay on the ground screaming with no clothes on. I probably had a nervous breakdown.

JennyDingly · 09/03/2022 08:20

I totally hear you.

DD was a horrific sleeper until we sleep trained at 14 months as we were desperate and I was becoming physically and mentally ill.

From birth she would sleep for two hours then be awake (screaming) for two hours, then she moved onto 4 wakes every night (stopped the screaming thankfully) but despite taking it in turns it was torturous. It's probably the main reason I am not ready for DC2 yet. I can't forget the physical pain of dragging myself out of bed when I was on my knees with exhaustion and knowing it's "endless" - not like a long shift at work and you can go home the next day and sleep as long as you like!

Original poster

Sofiegiraffe · 09/03/2022 08:25

Sorry to hear so many of you have been through similar. I'm honestly not surprised sleep deprivation leads to mental breakdowns and physical health problems - I don't understand how the human brain can function normally under these conditions. I am completely irrational at the moment, cant properly regulate my emotions and just want to scream or lash out at someone. I can absolutely totally see why the military use this method to see how far they can push people.......!

OP posts:

Ivyonafence · 09/03/2022 08:26

Honestly I'm not a fan of sleep consultants/sleep training- but they are sometimes the lesser of two evils and your situation is a great example.

I hope you get some relief soon, what you're going through is so rough.

istandwithukraine · 09/03/2022 08:33

I'm in the trenches of no sleep with my 1 year old twins at the moment - if one does finally get to sleep the other is awake. To be honest the only way I "manage" is to snatch a couple of hours when they go to bed around 730 (they usually wake from midnight onwards although we had one the other day where he screamed from 9pm)

If I can get 3/4 hours before midnight then I don't feel "as" bad the next day - I also work full time

I just tell myself they'll grow out of it - my eldest did...by age 4 🤦🏻‍♀️

Devo1818 · 09/03/2022 08:36

We hired a sleep consultant (gentle, no crying it out). Improvement was within days and it was the best money we ever spent. You need to sleep and so does your child. When ours started sleeping she was like a different child - she really flourished.

DaisyTheUnicorn · 09/03/2022 08:37

It think you're right its the endless nature of it rather than "tomorrow I'll get a good sleep."
I couldnt take up a job I was offered as I knew I wouldn't have been able to function and its one of those things I look back at and wish it was different. I just couldnt function at the level needed. I had no choice as I was not well or fit enough and tjat really sucked tbh.

If I could look back I think I would have gone to a premier inn on my own occasionally. I kept telling people I needed support but it was so hard. It was every 45min-2hours here and the "wake screaming" we later found out was sleep apnea due to big tonsils. The wake screaming was why shush-pat didn't work.

Even now looking back I can feel anxiety rise. It was a very difficult 3 years.

I definitely went to bed at 7.30/8 and tried to get a bit of sleep in. Do anything you can to cope. X

DaisyTheUnicorn · 09/03/2022 08:39

Please don't drive if badly affected. It has similar risks to drunk driving and is genuinely not safe.

coles85 · 09/03/2022 08:41

Solidarity ✊
My nearly 3 year old has decided to wake multiple times a night since the new year. She had been a decent sleeper until then. Doesn't help that I'm working full time and I'm 9 months pregnant right now. No matter how DP and I split the night wakings, I'm permanently exhausted. And I now have a real fear of how things will be when I add a newborn to the mix! 😩 At least I won't have to work for a while...

Good luck!!! And I second a sleep consultant if you have the means - we used one when my first was about a year old and it helped massively. It wasn't the "cry it out" method, it was much more gentle which worked for us (but the way I'm feeling right now I'd be open to any suggestions including sellotaping her to her bed, so no judgement on the cry it out method if you go that route!)

isthismylifenow · 09/03/2022 08:42

Do you have a partner OP?

Can they take over for a night (if they don't lalready) and you close the door and get a full nights sleep. Do you have family nearby where you could crash undisturbed for a night?

BurnDownTheDiscoHangTheDJ · 09/03/2022 08:43

@Obira

Hang on, am I the only one reading this?

Something about the seriousness of the content vs the flippant nature of your tone has made me worry about you @Obira. Are you okay now (and more importantly, is your postman!!!)?

LizDoingTheCanCan · 09/03/2022 08:44

Could those that have used a sleep consultant share some of the advice given with Sofie? I know it's individual, but just the smallest tips can make a big difference.

inigomontoyahwillcox · 09/03/2022 08:47

Oh god, I feel ya.

Giving me flashbacks of DD (now 13) and her refusal to sleep for more than about 3-4 hours (never consecutive) for the first 18 months of life. She didn't bloody nap during the day either, so the whole "sleep when she sleeps" advice was useless.

I was an absolute wreck. And got nothing from anyone insofar as support. Was also working from 3 months onwards (full time from about 8 months) - the amount of times I fell asleep on the tube was ridiculous, they should have a "baby at home" badge as well as "baby on board".

Do you live with DD's dad? If you're both working you need to share the pain (the pain should be shared either way, but he certainly can't excuse shirking his responsibilities if you're work working).

choosername1234 · 09/03/2022 08:57

No advice but I'm going through this too. I'm crying this morning because I'm so tired and I'm snappy with the baby (16m) and of course it's not her fault. She deserves so much better but today I can barely function let alone be smiley and singing songs

Obira · 09/03/2022 08:58

@ BurnDownTheDiscoHangTheDJ my child is four now so it was a few years ago. He sleeps through the night so I’m fine. It was literally just severe sleep deprivation. I suppose I’m flippant about it because nobody cared at the time or thought it was a problem or offered me any help.

Staryflight445 · 09/03/2022 09:03

Gentle sleep training op. Hard work and you’ll probably feel more tired for a few days but the benefits for both of you will be incredible!

Original poster

Sofiegiraffe · 09/03/2022 09:04

Yes I have a very supportive hands on partner but there's only so much he can do as he works long shifts and is in a job where mental alertness is really important (or lives would be at risk). He's on a stretch of working nights currently, so no help at the moment, both of us just trying to survive separate night shifts! 🙈

OP posts:

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