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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is BU

20 replies

Lago1 · 08/03/2022 21:47

So bit of background, OH drinks too much and I fairly regularly express how uncomfortable this makes me (or nag in his eyes). The drinking isn't anything new (hasn't worsened in 15 years but also hasn't improved) and I used to drink fairly heavily too pre dc.
So tonight he is reading random facts on his phone and comes out with 'in 1900 the average man drank x amount of units per year'. I used my calculator worked it out weekly and said well you drink more than that. He then gets really angry saying whats wrong with you, then whats wrong with your mum to dd who was sat next to him.
He is annoyed that I made him out to be an alchoholic in front of child and felt like I will take any opportunity to put him down. I think there was no need to drag said child into it by addressing them directly, and all I did was state something that may make him see how excessive his drinking is.
Who is BU?

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 08/03/2022 21:49

Become angry when someone criticises your drinking is a warning sign that someone may have an alcohol problem.

CowsAreNotGreen · 08/03/2022 21:52

Well getting really angry isn't a good example for him to set your DD. Can you remove yourselves from this situation?

FairyCakeWings · 08/03/2022 21:53

He clearly has a problem so it was inevitable that he’d take your comment as a dig. He was wrong, but I don’t think you needed to point out what you did in front of your child either.

Shoxfordian · 08/03/2022 21:55

Why did you feel the need to work it out with a calculator? He knows you don’t like his drinking, you know it, nothing changes so what’s the point of making little snipes about it?

Original poster

Lago1 · 08/03/2022 21:55

Maybe really angry was abit of an exagerration,annoyed enough so snap / raise voice slightly, but then calm enough to discuss why it annoyed him so much after.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 08/03/2022 21:56

@Lago1

Maybe really angry was abit of an exagerration,annoyed enough so snap / raise voice slightly, but then calm enough to discuss why it annoyed him so much after.

Sounds like you’re making excuses for him.

DoucheCanoe · 08/03/2022 21:57

Both of you.

There was no need for you to calculate and point out his drinking Infront of your child - seems very passive aggressive to me - but he shouldn't have stopped and brought your daughter further into it.

Original poster

Lago1 · 08/03/2022 21:58

To be fair this is what he said, why get my calculator out and make a big deal.
I felt like he was trying to say oh look this amount was normal 100 years ago and its a lot, without realising its as actually less then his own current consumption.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 08/03/2022 21:58

The phrasing on the screening tool for potential alcohol abuse is “Have people Annoyed you by criticising your drinking?”. Sounds like he still ticks that box.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 08/03/2022 22:00

Imo find a list of alcohol related illnesses and spell out you won't be looking after him if he gets any. And mean it.

nocoolnamesleft · 08/03/2022 22:00

patient.info/doctor/CAGE-Questionnaire

Original poster

Lago1 · 08/03/2022 22:07

Thanks. I agree both if us didn't react in the best way.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lago1 · 08/03/2022 22:45

Any more opinions?

OP posts:

Crinkle77 · 08/03/2022 22:56

How much is he drinking?

Original poster

Lago1 · 08/03/2022 23:00

Around 40-50 units per week

OP posts:

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 08/03/2022 23:15

If he's consuming 50 units a week that's 3.5 times more than is recommended for good health. My DH has always drunk more than I'm happy about, and not a dissimilar amount to your DH, but as long as it doesn't get out of control - he never gets drunk, I've decided to accept it. However, if it got to the point where he was drunk every day that would be a whole different story.

Stompythedinosaur · 08/03/2022 23:35

I think it isn't up to you what he puts into his body, no matter how unhealthy.

He knows your perspective so why keep bringing it up?

I wouldn't enjoy the feeling my partner is monitoring me in that way, or doing so in front of a dc.

Georgia2609 · 08/03/2022 23:47

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but I wouldn’t have brought it up in front of dc and he definitely shouldn’t have addressed dc at all. I think you have every right to make comments about his drinking as he’s aware you don’t like it yet carries on doing it, I’m sure he wouldn’t like it if it was the other way round. If you haven’t already I’d make it clear to him how many problems can be caused by over drinking and make him think about how dc would feel if they happened to him, maybe I’m just harsh though.

Goneblank38 · 08/03/2022 23:57

I think you're right to be concerned about his drinking but unreasonable to discuss it this way in front of your child. If you're husband is an alcoholic, and it sounds like he is, I genuinely think he won't change until he decides to. Nothing you say will make a bit of difference. So you have to decide what you want and will tolerate. Perhaps going to a few Al-Anon meetings might be helpful?

Munchcrip · 09/03/2022 00:08

You called him out in front of your child.
He called you out in front of your child.
You're both BU.

Drinking habits are an issue to be discussed privately, not in front of your daughter.

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