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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cats and living together..... Advice please?

47 replies

DDLD90 · 08/03/2022 18:07

Hi Everyone,
I hope this doesnt doesnt come across like I am an awful person.

My partner wants to move into the home that I own whilst they are private renting. I have spent a lot of money and sacrificed a lot to create a lovely house for years I have skipped nights out and social events. They want to move their cat in too. I dont hate animals by any means but its not something i would choose in my home. The cat smells and the litter tray stinks, the cat hair always ends up in food and have had to not eat my dinner there many times due to this and now will only eat at my home. Am i being unreasonable for not wanting my partner to move in with their cat as they are not as tidy as me. I am also OCD diagnosed so this does not help the situation.
thanks for reading,
T xx

OP posts:

BillMasen · 08/03/2022 18:40

I was in your position and I let my partner and cat move in

I’ve hated it (the situation not the cat). It’s wrecked 2 carpets, 2 sofas, a dining chair and a door. The house smells. I hate living in my own house and it’s been a contributing factor to me and my partner splitting up. Living with an animal when you don’t like it is awful. It’s not a mistake I will make again

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 08/03/2022 18:40

@Momicrone

You can have a cat without cat litter trays

Yes, but it's not just the trays OP objects to, so getting rid of the trays (which not all cats will take to anyway) won't solve anything.

Original poster

DDLD90 · 08/03/2022 18:43

The cat has destroyed doors at his house too. I have just spent £2000 on new carpets and doors and dont think his cat should be able to be sick on them and piss everywhere, i feel so cruel for feeling this way :(

OP posts:

Original poster

DDLD90 · 08/03/2022 18:45

The cat is allowed to eat off the wood flooring and eats on the kitchen worktops too

OP posts:

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 08/03/2022 18:47

You're allowed your preferences. It's not cruel not to want a pet :)

Just explain how you feel to your partner and take it from there.

MyCatEatsPrawnCrackers · 08/03/2022 18:47

I have two white cats and every single item of my clothing has cat fur on it. They have wrecked my favourite armchair and let rip in the litter tray at the most inconvenient of times BUT the pleasure of owning them outweighs all that. I would say don't consider moving this man and his cat in, because it just won't work.

Newnamefor2022 · 08/03/2022 18:48

You are not being cruel at all. You don't want them to get rid of the cat, you just don't want it to live at your house!!

inheritancetrack · 08/03/2022 18:50

Say you have developed a cat allergy and they make you sneeze. Act up a little in the cats environment. It's easier than saying I want you but not your stinky cat.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 08/03/2022 18:51

Please don't speak so negatively of an animal that has a crappy owner...
We have 2 dcats. They don't rub their bums on our benches. Or leave hair in our food. Their litter tray is cleaned out regularly and they have a lot of love to give. They enrich our family.
Yanbu to want to share your home with an owner like him.
We do eat hairy food thanks to our Husky though!!

ImInStealthMode · 08/03/2022 18:52

From your updates I'm starting to think it's the owners lax hygiene that's more of a problem than the cat in general.

Never in a million years would mine be fed from the kitchen worktop, nor anything other than immediately removed should he jump up, or act like he's about to. He has his corner on the floor with bowls and a mat all cleaned daily.

Everywhere he regularly sits is hoovered daily.

If he doesn't clean up after the cat, does he clean up after himself?

MissMaple82 · 08/03/2022 18:52

So what do you expect your partner to do with the cat?? Surely they come as a pair or don't come at all !

Wolfiefan · 08/03/2022 18:54

He sounds grim. Not the cat! If he thinks those things are acceptable then I wouldn’t want him moving in.

NoSquirrels · 08/03/2022 19:00

I feel so cruel for feeling this way

It’s fine to feel how you feel!

It would be cruel to let him and cat move in, then either resent the cat and home or restrict the cat to fit in.

You don’t have to live with him.

Bananalanacake · 08/03/2022 19:01

How long have you been together. Can't you just say,,,, I don't want us to live together.

thing47 · 08/03/2022 19:07

It's not cruel at all, OP. It's fine not to like cats (and I say that as someone who has 2 and loves them dearly).

Just say gently that you don't think living together is going to work as you wouldn't be able to live with a cat in the house – that's perfectly fine. It doesn't mean you have to end the relationship, you can carry on as your are now, surely, if you both want to.

Furmummy · 08/03/2022 19:07

If you end up letting them, in highly recommend worlds best cat litter. And scoop our their poos and wees daily. I have 2 house cats and it doesn’t smell. There are also some litter robots (not tried them) which are meant to be good. My cats smell lovely and clean but they spend all day grooming themselves … In regards to fluff and furniture, it’s something you take or not. My monsters have ruined the carpets on stairs by scratching but I choose to have them and see it as their home. Invest in good hoover and brush daily … however if it’s not for you which is totally fine and understandable you may have to consider if your compatible or not.

Furmummy · 08/03/2022 19:08

@ImInStealthMode

From your updates I'm starting to think it's the owners lax hygiene that's more of a problem than the cat in general.

Everywhere he regularly sits is hoovered daily.

If he doesn't clean up after the cat, does he clean up after himself?

Absolutely agree with this …

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 08/03/2022 19:13

Well your partner really doesn't seem to be looking after this cat very well. Cats don't smell and their litter trays shouldn't if they're cleaned regularly. But that's by the by, it's your house so if you don't want the cat you are not being unreasonable. But you need to be prepared for your partner not to move in. I wouldn't give my cats up.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 08/03/2022 19:30

Sounds less like you being nasty (I'm definitely Team Animal), but more about the fact your partner is trying to force you into letting them move in to somewhere you have bought and furnished through your own hard work when you don't want them to.

Of course they like the idea. Go from private renting a tatty, dirty place for lots of money into somewhere they could try and say 'It doesn't cost anymore for me to be here, why should I pay you rent/bills?', have you clean up after them and the cat (as they certainly aren't doing it for themselves, despite there being a cost in terms of losing deposits and repairs), make the place all nice and clean and shiny? If they can pressure you into it even though you aren't ready, they're set for life.

Even without a cat, they won't be cleaning. Chances are that they will be trashing your stuff because they don't care about their own things. Chances are they won't be contributing fully. Chances are they've got a beady eye on your property and income.

You don't want them to move in. That's why you're so stressed, it's not just the cat, it's them. Letting them live in your home is wrong for you.

Say no. Mean no. And then think about how they react to being told no, how they respond to you setting a boundary and what it could mean about your relationship - because it sounds like it could be manipulative and coercive.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 08/03/2022 19:33

Oh, thought I'd better add this - if he then says he'll get rid of the cat so he can get his feet under the table you can be together - bin him, too. Because he's either counting on you giving in at the last moment or he does really care that much about the cat after all.

Ted27 · 08/03/2022 19:39

I have a cat, I love my cat, I don’t expect anyone else to love him

But the reason your partners house smells of cat, that there is fur everywhere and the litter tray smells is not because of the cat, its because your partner doesn’t clean and is apparently happy to live in a tip.
Even if he moved in without the cat, I wouldnt be expecting much in the way of him contributing to keeping your home clean

TuMeke · 08/03/2022 23:33

YANBU for not wanting your DP’s cat in your house, particularly when you are very particular about your living environment.

That being said, your description of your DP’s cat does give me concern. Cats are naturally clean and fastidious. They don’t typically smell (litter tray aside, but that should be emptied regularly anyway). They shouldn’t be peeing everywhere, or getting up on kitchen surfaces, or destroying doors and furniture. It sounds as though the cat may be stressed or unwell, and may not be given enough stimulation or safe outlets for naturally scratch instincts. Cats do shed tons of fur though - that’s a never ending battle 😏 It sounds as though your DP is not caring for the cat very well, which for me would be a red flag in a partner.

As PPs have said, doesn’t sound as though you are compatible to live together.

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