Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never want child to be around father without my supervision

25 replies

ashley010 · 08/03/2022 17:20

I have 1 year old dd with physical abusive ex. Trying to do what’s best for my daughter.

He has no bond with her. Refused to go contact centre for the whole year of her life but now is prepared to. I know contact centres are only short term so I will have to try and co parent with him in the future.

However, I would never ever trust her to be safe in his care. In the few weeks he was part of her life he was extremely unsafe with her. The list is endless but such things as not strapping her in car seat, refusing to ever take her to hospital if she is ill and even smoking weed next to her when we went park. He also has said he will hit his kids. I simply would never want my daughter growing up in that environment. Part of me wants to keep her away from him for good but I just can’t bear the thought of her ever resenting me or blaming me for not even knowing her father.

So I can only see a future of co parenting where he comes round to spend time with her so I can supervise and make sure she is safe. Am I being unreasonable or unrealistic?

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 08/03/2022 17:23

Sadly horse bolted and stable door spring to mind.
Unless you have evidence worthy of prosecution against him for child abuse he will get unsupervised access eventually.
My own barrister told me judge's are reckless with other people's dc..
You had a dc with him. He could get 50% custody.

x2boys · 08/03/2022 17:43

Well it's a extreme to say he should never have unsupervised contact .

TabithaTittlemouse · 08/03/2022 17:50

Did you ever press charges?

Original poster
ashley010 · 08/03/2022 17:51

He isn’t interested in going to court. Said he never will as doesn’t want the stress.

OP posts:
Somethingsnappy · 08/03/2022 17:55

Well, while he doesn't want court, you can do things how you think best. The issue would be if he ever changes his mind about that. Have you documented evidence about the abuse?

ColgateGirl · 08/03/2022 17:58

Yeah I would think this is a bit late now unfortunately given he's your DCs father.

Having said that, if he's not willing to go to Court, what would happen if you didn't facilitate contact?

On the other (third!) hand, it sounds as though you would be willing to co-parent with him and so it's whether the harm to your DD is higher from him being in her life or her never having a father in her life.

LightBulbous · 08/03/2022 18:02

If he’s not willing to go to court then you can set rules as you want them. It’s totally up to you if he’s not willing or arsed to make it official.

Personally no father is better than a bad father. Especially a dangerous one.

Xpologog · 08/03/2022 18:04

He doesn’t sound interested in his child, wouldn’t go to court to organise contact so what will he do if you just ignore him? Can you live without any money from him? Honestly your daughter is better off with no father than one who might harm her. I would just fade out of his life.

Clymene · 08/03/2022 18:04

Go to court. He won't pursue it and then she doesn't have to see him. He's a sperm donor, not a dad.

AHungryCaterpillar · 08/03/2022 18:05

If he wouldn’t go to court then just stop contact, if he was abusive and there is no court order then you don’t have to meet for contact.

Original poster
ashley010 · 08/03/2022 18:21

So most of you think she would be better not knowing him than for me to facilitate contact by supervising him at mine? I do agree to be honest but just feel so bad for her the thought she will never know him even and he wants to see her. And I guess he wouldn’t be a dangerous father if I was to supervise. I just hope she won’t ever resent me if I choose not to co parent and just stop all contact. Thanks for your opinions

OP posts:
HereComesSpringAgain · 08/03/2022 18:40

if you are supervising he may still smoke the weed

or hit her

how would you prevent that?

GeorgiaGirl52 · 08/03/2022 18:43

Having no parent is better than a bad parent.
Perhaps in years to come you will find a great stepfather for her!

Worried she will resent you for not allowing contact?
How much would she resent you for sending her off with a father who permanently injured her or allowed her to be injured. Who forgot her or lost her or had an auto accident?
Print this thread off and show it to her when she is thirteen and stroppy.

Original poster
ashley010 · 08/03/2022 18:45

@HereComesSpringAgain good point. I think it’s safe to say he won’t ever stop the weed, part of me would hope he just would never hit her and it was an empty threat. But he hit me when I was breastfeeding her so I guess anything is possible with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
ashley010 · 08/03/2022 18:46

@GeorgiaGirl52 Thank you, you are right and I really need to look at it that way.

OP posts:
VioletLemon · 08/03/2022 18:49

Take control and accept that your decisions now are in your child's best interests. Taper off contact. If he's that irresponsible he could perhaps be involved when DC is older. If he doesn't want to pursue then don't contact him. If it was me, I'd move.

inheritancetrack · 08/03/2022 19:19

Don't push for contact on the grounds your DD will resent you in the future if her F is putting her at risk in the present!

If he insists on contact then you have to do it, but don't give him any encouragement

Merryoldgoat · 08/03/2022 19:21

Why are you forcing contact? How can it be good to spend time with a parent who doesn’t care about you?

Just stop it all.

NoSquirrels · 08/03/2022 19:24

If he was abusive to you, then it would be in no one’s best interests for contact to be supervised by you in your home.

If you think that’s a good idea you need some help sorting out what healthy boundaries are.

Porcupineintherough · 08/03/2022 19:25

Your job is to protect your dd, even if one day she throws it back in your face . Why would you promote a relationship between her and a father you say is abusive and cant be arsed? So you can blame him when he hurts her?

NoSquirrels · 08/03/2022 19:25

part of me would hope he just would never hit her

Is this good enough?
If someone said this to you about their abusive ex and their child, what would you think?

Dumbledoressister · 08/03/2022 19:26

100% you should not allow him to have contact with him. I know that's a massive decision but her safety has to be paramount.

southlondoner02 · 08/03/2022 19:27

Just leave it for him to go to a solicitor/ court and request contact. If you do agree for him to have supervised contact please find a way for it to be supervised by someone else (contact centre, neutral party you trust). If he comes to your house he will continue to abuse you, putting you and your child at risk.

Lots of abusive men want contact because they want the opportunity to see and try to control their ex partner. I know abusive men who have gone through the whole court system and then not bothered with the agreed contact. Others that turn up late at night claiming they wants to see their kids (who are in bed). All just ways to try to get at their ex partners. So please be careful what you agree to.

WonderfulYou · 08/03/2022 20:12

Is there evidence of the abuse?

I would say supervised visits in a contact centre is best for now - refuse anything else.

If you say no contact at all and he does decide to go to court then they may see you as unreasonable but if you show you are putting your child they may think differently.

Of course a contact centre is only temporary but you can have supervised access for as long as possible. And then keep it in the contact centre but without supervision. And then allow him to take her out of the centre but return before the end of the session.
Therefore you’re not stopping him but also allowing him contact.

If he doesn’t turn up a couple of times with no good reason this will go against him if it ever goes to court.

WonderfulYou · 08/03/2022 20:14

Also don’t sort a contact centre yourself. If he wants contact he needs to sort it or go to court and you can then explain why you want a contact centre.

Try and put all communication through texts so you have evidence.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread