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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you go back on these words?

17 replies

Chimichurrichucky · 08/03/2022 16:58

Just wanting to see if what I know is normal or not.
My parent told me I was no longer a child of theirs and if anything happened to them, tough luck I won't know or be allowed to see them.
However I was thinking if they came back to me and said we're so sorry for what we said, is that fair grounds to forget it all?
Hearing that from someone who is supposed to have your back no matter what to just dump you so cold really hurt.
I'm way happier now without them if I'm honest, there's no more emotional abuse.
Aibu to think if they said sorry I'd be rude to say nope you let me go that's it?

OP posts:

Chikapu · 08/03/2022 16:59

It's not rude to protect yourself from people who abuse you. I'm sorry they treat you this way.

Erinyes · 08/03/2022 17:02

Well, do you want to? It doesn't matter what a bunch of strangers on the internet think -- you're the one who knows the parent involved, the history of your relationship etc. You say you're happier without them in your life, so surely it's a matter of prioritising your own emotional welfare?

Having said that, I think you don't have to take up and hard and fast position on this. I have friends who chose not to see a parent again, and who didn't attend their deathbeds or funerals. I have others who did go to see a parent they hadn't seen in twenty years when they asked when they were dying, just for some closure for their own sake.

Your call. I don't think there's a wrong answer as long as you listen to yourself.

Watchkeys · 08/03/2022 17:08

Don't worry about normal, unless it's your ambition to be normal.

Self respect is following your feelings. Listen to the messages they give you, and respond to those messages in a way that you feel is proportionate.

In other words, do what you want to do, do whatever looks after you. If that means writing someone off because of the way they treat you, then they can't be being particularly respectful of you.

Returnoftheowl · 08/03/2022 17:14

I don't really think there is a away back from that.

FangsForTheMemory · 08/03/2022 17:16

Saying sorry isn't a get-out clause from everything. I wouldn't forgive someone who said that to me.

Holothane · 08/03/2022 17:19

GomNC and watch them moan when you don’t visit them and don’t ever. These toxic patents make 🤮they call their children out critical all the time. No glad mine are dead. Not missed.

Fuckitsstillraining · 09/03/2022 14:26

Just look after yourself, do what is best for you. I had a relative who was slowly sucking the joy out of my life, she did her best to come between my immediate family and I, she wanted my attention on her and her alone and could be very sneaky in obtaining that. I eventually just stopped all contact, it was difficult to begin with, I felt so guilty but oh the relief, the freedom, the ability to see clearly, I never regretted it, in fact I'm now proud of managing to do it. Look after yourself, that's what's important, not what anyone else thinks.

TheNoodlesIncident · 09/03/2022 14:49

If they are prepared to say that then they must accept the consequences of saying that. They have control over what they say. They have made the choice to say such an extreme and dramatic thing.

I wouldn't see a way past that myself, even without knowing the back story it seems very final. I can't imagine for a second saying that to my dc.

YWNBU nor rude to say you're done if they change their minds. I wouldn't blame you and would do the same.

Quitelikeit · 09/03/2022 14:50

May I ask what you did that prompted them to say such a thing?

Quitelikeit · 09/03/2022 14:53

Apologies I see you are no contact. Honestly if this was just one of many examples of their emotional abuse then I’m afraid I would not advise you to put yourself in their firing line ever again.

I would not advise being anywhere near these people so that they could even make an apology!

HollowTalk · 09/03/2022 15:00

The only time I would forgive that is if they had some sort of brain disorder that meant they couldn't always say what they meant. In normal circumstances, though, no, I'd avoid at all costs for my own mental health.

Original poster

Chimichurrichucky · 09/03/2022 15:07

Thankyou for your responses everyone.

@Quitelikeit I made a (very very hard) decision that they didn't agree with, I reduced my contact with them to let it calm down hoping they'd come round to my reasoning and respect my choice. Eventually I told them how I've felt so for so many years about hating being judged so harshly and treated like a child in regards to my life choices even as a grown adult and it resulted in me being told they want nothing to do with me. Well, one parent told me that but was also speaking for the other.
It's a very messy situation, but unless you make a choice that they are happy with (regardless of what's best for yourself), you're an awful person and you won't be spoken to for years (if ever!)

I thought it was normal to have approval from everyone else but now I'm finally starting to realise that's really not how it should be.

OP posts:

AllOfUsAreDead · 09/03/2022 15:10

If you don't want to forgive them, you don't have to. I wouldn't forgive them for that, ever.

drawingpad · 09/03/2022 15:12

I am NC with my mother and there is absolutely nothing she could ever do or say that would make up for the past. I have no interest in allowing her back into my life to appease her

sadpapercourtesan · 09/03/2022 15:16

@drawingpad

I am NC with my mother and there is absolutely nothing she could ever do or say that would make up for the past. I have no interest in allowing her back into my life to appease her

Same. I actually have recurring nightmares where I've taken my eye off the ball and allowed her back into my life. The fear and despair is awful.

It's been 16 years and I don't regret it at all. Nothing would induce me to go back.

Fernandina · 09/03/2022 15:22

I thought it was normal to have approval from everyone else but now I'm finally starting to realise that's really not how it should be

It's natural to feel like you want approval from those you love (and who should love you unconditionally), but if it comes to the point where nothing you do or say will ever satisfy them, then it is time to step away and live your life without them in it.

thegcatsmother · 09/03/2022 15:22

Dh's mother told him he was intimidating and wanted to be left alone,after she didn't get her own way over legal things when fil died. It cost her two sons, two dils and three grandchildren. Her choice. You don't tell a 51 year old that and expect to still have a relationship. We haven't spoken for almost 10 years now. Anything legal is done via solicitors.

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