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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

....about my partnes' family?

24 replies

stardonkey · 04/01/2008 15:56

hello. my partner of 5 years has a very, ahem, colorful family which im not really comfortable with.

Me and my partner are totally in love and happy and we have 2 wonderful children and we live in a very happy, loving and secure home. However his family live quite a different life style and are often involved with crime, stolen property, drugs, violence, strong language etc.

we don't live near them so they are not really a big part of our lives, so on a daily basis it really doesn't bother me, but we are planning to marry this year and quite frankly the thought of my family and his family being together for our wedding day horrifies me.

I don't want to come across as being snobby (because Im not) but i guess i have bit of an issue in accepting their way of living.

I can feel myself having urges to push the wedding further back to avoid the issue!

Any feedback would be great and am i being unreasonable?

R x x

OP posts:

UniversallyChallenged · 04/01/2008 16:05

Can you not go abroad to marry to escape?

wildwoman · 04/01/2008 16:07

YANBU I'm having the same issues but its my family that's the problem!

PestoMonster · 04/01/2008 16:07

Do what we did, get married on your own with a couple of witnesses and forget about everyone else.

meglet · 04/01/2008 16:08

Going abroad sounds sensible. Maybe you could tell your family why you are doing it, so they think its not their fault. After all it is your special day and really shouldn't have all the stress of nightmare in-laws to deal with.

My DP's family are not that great, totally understand where you are coming from.

Original poster

stardonkey · 04/01/2008 16:09

Well we did talk about it, and in fact it was DPs idea! I think he also has issues with his own family (yes they are that bad lol)

But in a totally not selfish way (?!) i kinda want my family there but not his (shock horror i said it!)

I would love my parents and sibblings to be there, and i think my grandparents would be secretly disappointed if we did go abroad as they'd miss it all.

OP posts:

Haylstones · 04/01/2008 16:10

TBH I think either you go abroad and do it on your own with no family there or you accept that his family will become your family and to have produced somebody you want to marry they can't be all bad. FWIW, I;m sure that if it was your wedding day they would be on theire' best behaviour'. What (bad things) people do doesn't actually always have an impact ont he type of people that they are.
What does your dh think?
What kind of relationship do youdc have with them?
What exactly are you worried about re your parents meeting? Maybe they'll try and sell dodgy good to all your guests at the door.

LoveAngel · 04/01/2008 16:10

YANBU to have fears and doubts, but if you are comitting to marrying your DP, you are going to have to eventually learnt to at least live in acceptance of his family, even if you don't ever really get on with them. You could elope and have a small, private wedding somewhere if you really can't face it, but if you have your heart set on a 'big day' his family is going to have to be there, and the best thing you can do is smile sweetly, enjoy your day and not fret about who's getting on with who at the wedding - in reality, families often don't get on that well!

PestoMonster · 04/01/2008 16:11

Ah, well if you want your family there, then you'll have to accept your dp's family too.

exbatt · 04/01/2008 16:11

Similar problem here, although not on the scale you seem to have!

We married abroad with only a couple of friends. Best thing we ever did - both of us hate big 'dos' anyway. It would be very awkward to have your family and not his, but having a very small wedding, either in this country or abroad, would be acceptable.

You have to make your own life together and that doesn't have to include anything you find unacceptable.

You can always have a party or special meal out with your family and local friends after the wedding - the 'other' side need not know anything about this...

Haylstones · 04/01/2008 16:11

Excuse the typos in that post, hopefully you get the gist of it! I just read it back and it sounds a bit harsh, no offence was meant!

chuggabopps · 04/01/2008 16:16

From what you put it looks like there could potentially be other reasons to put off the wedding than "two families being together for the day". Are there any aspects of their lifestyle/ behavior that DP does or picks up when they are around? Are you secretly worried that he will become more like that as he ages, or is it just that you know that your own family members will be very upset with you for choosing to become part of their extended family, and worry that you will be affected by them? Is it just a case of wanting to avoid a row on the day?
With the best will in the world weddings are only one day of your life- maybe you could have an evening wedding if you purely want to limit the time that the families are together for arguments sake? After all you represent your family, and you say you aren't snobby are your own family really going to be upset by meeting his family on such a happy day?
you could always trial run it by having an engagement dinner where the two sets of parents can meet so you can try to gauge how to move forward.
hope this helps.

UniversallyChallenged · 04/01/2008 16:19

It's usually the long drawn out receptions when the trouble starts. People on best behaviour during cersemony - usually- so why not just have a sit down meal/speeches etc then off to your honemoon, saves money on an evening do.

For the life of me i cant understand why people get married at 2 and then have 7/8/9 hours of partying when they could be jetting off to the maldives with the money!!

Original poster

stardonkey · 04/01/2008 16:19

no offense taken! thanks for all your advice, and i think you are all right, i need to accept their way of living.

We were all invited to a kids birthday party few weeks ago and they started arguing within an hour of getting there, then the whole family kicked off and the whole party was ruined. It left everyone really upset and i know if they kicked off at our wedding i would seriously never forgive them but by then it would be too late i guess.

OP posts:

PestoMonster · 04/01/2008 16:21

Just book an absolutely sensational honeymoon and then you can both have a laugh about it all afterwards, should things kick off...

Original poster

stardonkey · 04/01/2008 16:25

chuggabopps,

my parents and his parents have met a few times and it went ok.

i am mainly worried about the day itself. my family are very accepting and wont have a problem with them, but im worried in case they kick off and start arguing and fighting on the wedding day in front of everyone and in a church as well.

saying that i think a part of me is worried that these people are in fact a extended family to my kids, and the thought of my kids being exposed to such crime and drugs scares me a lot as i want to protect them against all that. but we dont really see them in our daily lives are they live some distance from us.

OP posts:

hifi · 04/01/2008 16:31

had same issue but only with a couple of members of dh family, i insisted mil was responsible for their behaviour and she had to deal with it if she wanted them to be invited. In the end she wouldnt let them come as she couldnt take the responsibility.

Haylstones · 04/01/2008 16:31

Could you make it a small family wedding, i.e only invite parents, siblings and close friends? That might stop fighting! Plus, there's always the possibility you could sneek a few more of your relatives in.
Would a very stern word from you and/or dh before the day help? Failing that, the suggestion of having a late ceremony and leaving early for honeymoon sounds good (less time to consume alcohol, which could be a factor?)

hanaflower · 04/01/2008 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chuggabopps · 04/01/2008 16:35

Well in that case I would say that as the bride you should have other things to think about on the day itself than wether your guests will get on.
c'mon- "bride"- how often do you get to be one? Once is surely what you want here. time to try and relax and plan your bright and happy future together as a newly married couple rather than think about "periferal people". it will go so fast- try to ensure you have what makes you and dp happy and remind anyone who interferes that its your day.
has dp tried to explain your fears to them at all? cos in the main people only want to see their loved ones smiling on the big day.

Baffy · 04/01/2008 16:35

Haylstones ideas are good

Plus I second the alcohol thing - if you serve reception drinks when you get to the venue perhaps make them non-alcoholic or very low-alcohol eg tiny bit of champagne topped up with lots of orange juice!

I do find that alcohol makes things worse.

Keeping it as small as possible, whilst still ensuring you have everyone you want there, is a good idea.

And I do think they will hopefully be on their best behaviour for a wedding so fingers crossed for you!

cat64 · 04/01/2008 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Twiglett · 04/01/2008 16:39

just elope with the kids (weddingsabroad.com organised ours)

TillyScoutsmum · 04/01/2008 16:45

If you are not that close to them day to day - would it be possible to have a smallish wedding with just your family and friends without them knowing about it ?? (i.e. just lie and say you went off on your own and did it with a couple of witnesses)

If there's no way they would find out and you dp doesn't mind - then I wouldn't lose any sleep over not inviting them.

edam · 04/01/2008 16:46

Go abroad then have a reception for your family - maybe in your home town? - when you get back. Dp's family don't have to know about it. (Unless your kids would tell them...)

I'd usually say you are marrying into a family and unfair to exclude them but your dp's sound appalling. And sounds as if he doesn't want them there, anyway. Can you cut all contact?

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