to ask if you know how to deal with this kind of thing

[nounou2]

When I was 18 I had a boyfriend, X. He started having sex with another girl, Y.

While myself and X were (in his version of events) still together he and Y would sit in front of me and talk about how they wanted kids together and how much they were in love etc. At the time that hurt very much because of how dismissive it was. I got a new boyfriend. X and Y broke up a few months later but X oddly managed to kind of erase this from his version of events.

During uni years it became apparent (same friendship group) that X had turned this around in his mind to my brutally dumping him and breaking his heart by dating someone else.

I did once confront him about this, as the lies started to get so silly. I asked him how I broke his heart by cheating if he was having sex with Y. He just huffed and said I wasn't a nice person and he could never forgive or forget how much I had hurt him!

Now, I didn't actually spell out that we were broken up (immature I know) but he was planning kids with his new lady as they stared adoringly at each other! I kind of assumed the break up had already happened! So, ok, I didn't sit him down and explain/talk before dating someone new, but in my view I had been pretty firmly ditched!

This was all many years ago and we don't socialize together, both moved on and all that. However there are times when the shared friendship group we have overlaps.

Whenever this happens he is really unpleasant towards me. He tells new people in the group (say at a wedding where you all meet new people) "that's nounou she cheated on me, broke my heart and she didn't think I had any right to be hurt when she just went off with someone else". He talks to me like I'm this horrific person.

I have had quite a few difficult years and my MH is not great at the moment. A friend is getting married and X will be going.

This has been going on for years now. Even though, from my pov, he cheated and was very unkind to me I've let it go, I'd never mention it to anyone. He treats me in such a spiteful, nasty way, he's married now, I just don't get it. If you heard/saw the way he is around me you'd think what he was saying was the tip of the iceberg.

Sorry this is long. Does anyone have any ideas of how to deal with this kind of person/situation?

He sounds deranged. Have a word with the mutual friend and ask to be sat on a different table to him. Talk to other people at the wedding and ignore him. If he’s saying that sort of stuff to strangers (who don’t give a shit about his past relationship dramas) it will be making him look like a complete weirdo and it really won’t reflect on you at all, only him.

I’m another vote for ignore, ignore, ignore. If some dude told me about a breakup when he was 18, especially if he still felt really upset and hard done by, I’d think he was completely off his rocker. I certainly wouldn’t be judging the woman who left him, no matter the circumstances. I mean… 18???

I had an abusive boyfriend when I was a teenager. I did cheat on him (after I tried to finish with him and he literally looked at me, said no the carried on coming to my house etc as though nothing had happened).

Years later we met at a wedding and he was as young describe your ex. He got drunk and was telling people how I'd cheated, broken his heart, how I didn't care he was upset at the time etc etc etc.
My response was to essentially agree, yes I did cheat on him but we were young then and I can't believe he was still so bothered he was telling strangers.

It sounds mean but I basically laughed at him. It helped that everyone else thought he was pathetic bringing up something that happened so long ago too.
He looked sullen but shut up and didn't say anything the next time I saw him.

OP I think you're giving him too much headspace. Just keep your distance when i you can and when you can't, either act like you can't hear him and carry on or respond like I did.
There's no way people give a damn about it after all this time - they're likely thinking he's mean and ridiculous already.

I'd literally just say 'Jesus as if you haven't got past that yet, are you really still that obsessed with a teenage romance?' and shut it down from there, but I have no tolerance for drama llama's like that

Ignore

If you are within earshot, smile as you would at a toddler telling a whopper and say 'we all remember things differently'

Otherwise, just ignore, ignore, ignore.

He has no power over you now, does he? You have no reason to care what he thinks or says. Just let it go.

Get on with enjoying your best life, without him in it. This is obviously something he is not managing to do for himself. Too bad.

seriously, just ignore it. If I was a mutual friend or a stanger and X started talking about how you had broken his heart when you were bloody teenagers I'd think he was a total obsessive weirdo and I'd be backing away from him slowly. Then I'd congratulate you for not being involved with him any more. Don't waste your energy worrying about it. Clearly your friends don't care what he says or they wouldn't keep you close to them.

@RandomQuest You're right, people really shouldn't care and most probably don't. I am late 30s now so all this happened a long time ago but at one event a few years back someone came up to me and started talking to me about details of this relationship. It was clear that X had just told them all of this at the event.

This is the wedding of my closest friend, so I don't want to miss it or in any way make a scene etc.

I agree, ignore, ignore, avoid.

@UpToMyElbowsInDiapers Yep, 18. Crazy really.

@IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy I think some people like to blame their failings (as they see it) on someone or something other than themselves. I don't think this breakup bothered X until life didn't work out the way he wanted it to. Over time he's slowly twisted it into the reason he can pin things on if that makes sense.

@FinallyHere "we all remember things differently", that's nice and succinct, thank you.

all this happened a long time ago but at one event a few years back someone came up to me and started talking to me about details of this relationship

Then they're as fucking mad as he is (to use a lovely family expression of old)

Other people must think he's a bit odd to still be going on about allegedly having his heart broken by you 20 years ago? If it's any consolation if he introduced me to you by saying this I would automatically not believe him, as it's such an odd and rude thing to say.

Definitely ask your friend not to sit you at the same table due to his strange recollection of the last.

[quote nounou2]@RandomQuest You're right, people really shouldn't care and most probably don't. I am late 30s now so all this happened a long time ago but at one event a few years back someone came up to me and started talking to me about details of this relationship. It was clear that X had just told them all of this at the event.

This is the wedding of my closest friend, so I don't want to miss it or in any way make a scene etc.[/quote]
Wait, this happened 20-odd years ago?! From your OP I thought you were both about 22 and the break-up was still raw, not people in your late 30s.

Regardless of who cheated on who, it's absolutely bonkers that this man is still talking about a teenage breakup decades afterwards. What an absolute saddo he must be.

If he says anything to you directly, I would be inclined pull a puzzled face and say 'I don't remember it that way, but I'm certainly not going to have an argument in my late 30s about something that happened when were schoolkids! I assume you've moved on at some point in the last 20 years, so all's well, isn't it? Anyway - have a nice evening.'

If someone else comes up to you and says he's been talking about it, I would be very clear and say 'You know what? He's talking absolute bollocks. What actually happened was that he openly cheated with some other girl. But I'm not really bothered that he's lying - I just find it really bloody weird that he's going on about it at all, given that it happened when we were schoolkids. Really strange. Why would a grown man in his late 30s even be giving this a second thought?'

it sounds like he has a MASSIVE ego and what you unwittingly did enormously hurt his pride. And his reaction since is not your fault.

I do have one question tho just out of curiosity. When you say:

"When I was 18 I had a boyfriend, X. He started having sex with another girl, Y"

I am right in assuming he started having sex with Y at the same time he was having sex with you?

"Change the record, (name)- this is getting really tiresome and I'm embarrassed for you.
We're here today to celebrate the happy couple and people really aren't interested in your lies. Move on".

@incognitoforthisone I agree with all you've said. I'll try and do that!

Posting here has given me some perspective because this has gone on so long I am almost past being able to see it clearly. This all happened very briefly really, there was no living together or commitment or kids or anything....so it's hard to work out where the resentment comes from.

I'll just keep telling myself, ignore!

If a man in his thirties was sitting at my table at a wedding banging on about how another guest had broken his heart when he was at school, I would encourage the entire table to join in my hilarity by playing tiny, tiny violins.

Honestly, OP, I wouldn't give it another thought. Roar laughter and say 'Still with the broken record, X?' if he brings it up in his presence.

I think I actually pity his wife more than you. Can you imagine anything worse than having a spouse who regularly buttonholed complete strangers to complain about being dumped when he was eighteen?

@bubblesbubbles11 To clarify your question myself and X were bf/gf (talked about pretty clearly at the time) and although intimate hugging/ passionate kissing etc had not had sex yet. The next thing I knew Y was telling me about sex with X, (he confirmed this was true at the time but when I confronted him as above he kept changing his story).

I know this is a bit tmi but basically every time we kissed we were getting closer to the point of having sex and from my pov it was imminently on the cards. Then all that happened and I basically stopped seeing him and got a new bf. I didn't feel the need to say anything but clearly in hindsight that wasn't the right thing to do.

"To clarify your question myself and X were bf/gf (talked about pretty clearly at the time) and although intimate hugging/ passionate kissing etc had not had sex yet."

OK! HIs behaviour can now be explained a bit more.

Based on your update - He didn't actually ever get the opportunity to have sex with you - This is what has annoyed him the most for all these years! FFS! - Men and their male pride - You did your business right by not bothering to "formally" breaking it off with him- He's a asshole!

He probably doesn't even remember the other girl, its all about how he felt he was treated. I think you gave him the treatment he deserved!

Enjoy the wedding and ignore him! Imagine being married to the dickhead?

I’m terrible because I’d let him say that guff and then say this is the guy who got a police warning for stalking me…

Or oh yeah but that’s because you kept shitting your pants (but I’m very rude!)

Look how much you wrote. That's how much you are choosing to volunteer yourself and your time to this drama.

If you decide not to engage, you'll go to the wedding, have a nice time, and a person might say some unpleasant things about you. That's it.

It's really nothing to worry about, and you can simply choose not to bother.

If he says anything, just laugh lightly and say, “Ah, we were all idiots when we were 18!” It lets everyone there know the context, doesn’t involve arguing or trying to set the record straight, and if he carries on everyone will wonder why he’s still so obsessed with you.

It’s very odd to care at all 20 years later. I had a bf at 18 who cheated on me and broke my heart at that age. Bumped into him with his kids and mine and I couldn’t have cared less. We were kids, we’re not those people anymore.

Keep it light, don’t argue, laugh it off. If he really carries on I’d ask him how his wife feels about him still carrying a torch for you. But then I’m an arse

noun

Thanks for the clarification, strangely I was not surprised by your update.

I still think you massively hurt his pride.
He was probably naievely thinking some kind of weird "noun is the woman i want to marry but i need a shag now and bam there was Y and the rest is history".
He clearly thought he would have sex with Y and you would hang around. He was wrong about that but I would say the fault probably lies with both of you equally for not communicating well enough at the very moment this happened.
eg Why did you not challenge him loudly when he started sleeping with this person and started talking about having kids with her?
NB even if you had I am not saying the relationship could have been saved (assuming you even wanted that) I am just saying this lingering resentment on both sides might not be so bad now if you had had a blow out at the time.