To feel betrayed?

[PuppyPowerTool]

This is a weird one, and probably a bit of a pity party, but I don't know where to start.
I am divorced from an abusive, rapist ex husband.
We had a lot of mutual friends.

I have two friends in particular who still see a lot of him. One of whom has known him several decades, the other about 8 years.

I am fairly close to these two. One of them knows he's a rapist. I haven't disclosed that to the other one.

I am grateful for their friendship but one of them keeps hinting that I should talk to him again, that maybe one day we could be friends again. She's the one I haven't told about the rapes. The other one who does know about the rapes accepted a lift to a works thing with him over the weekend. I can't believe it. (We all work in a similar industry).

I can't tell these people what to do, of course not. And I wouldn't dream of making them them 'choose' me or him!

But how can I get over this sense of betrayal that I have that they still want to be friends with him knowing what an utter bastard he is.

There was a presentation given at a works thing last year about DA and half a dozen people came up to me afterwards and asked me if I was ok! These people are all aware that he is an utter bastard but still worship the fucking ground he walks on. It's laughable how they're all ' Oooh violent husbands are the worst' but then carry on with him like nothing ever happened, go off and drink tea and eat biscuits... He has the gall to post a long ramble on FB about how men should be good fathers/husbands/role models to their sons after Sarah Everard's murder.

Sorry if this is somewhat rambling. It was after this weekend that I felt particularly rotten.

I can't imagine what you have been through, he sounds like a monster.

The only advice I can offer is when my marriage broke down, a couple of people who I genuinely considered best friends to me, fell off my radar, but continued seeing the ex. I didn't have a problem with that at all, I didn't want anyone to take sides, it was fairly amicable break up. But it showed me they were fair weather mates.

I decided that I didn't want them to be in my life. Since then, a few casual mates have really stepped up and supported me.

So I guess what I'm trying to say (in a bloody long convoluted way!) is that perhaps you should gently remove yourself from these ladies - it doesn't have to be a big deal, or a big argument. Put yourself first, and allow yourself to drift out of their lives.
Look for new pals, a new friendship circle.

Incidentally, if I knew someone, male or female who had behaved like your ex-husband, I would NOT be mates with them.

you have done nothing wrong, apart from not putting yourself FIRST!

So sorry about what you have been through.

I can’t fathom why your friends are still friendly with him regardless of one not knowing the full details ( I assume knows at least some of the abuse).

I totally understand why you feel betrayed and would distance yourself from these people and focus on friends who are more supportive of you

I don't get it either. I would firmly be on the side of never speaking to the cunt again.

I too would feel betrayed.

They aren't imo your friends. Especially the one who knows his capabilities.
Cut her loose op.
My exh raped me. I confided in a 'friend'.. She told people I had pnd...
Dumped her.
It is the only way.

I completely understand. My ex husband was very very similar and when I finally got the courage to leave (after he tried to strangle me) it was clear who my real friends were.

I dropped all those who chose to still socialise with him.

I hear you, OP.

After I split up with an abusive ex, one friend (female) got a part-time job at his small business, and another friend (male) kept in touch with him and met up with him for drinks. Both those 'friends' had literally witnessed him physically attack me at least once.

Needless to say, they are no longer my friends.

If we'd split up because we just didn't love each other any more or even if it was because he'd had an affair or was an addict or something, I wouldn't have expected friends to cut him off. I wouldn't usually want to force anyone to take sides. But the fact that they were fully aware that he was a violent abuser and had seen it with their own eyes was just a step too far for me.

I'm really sorry for what you've gone through. You deserve better friends than this.

This isn't meant to sound harsh or judgemental but was he ever convicted of any crime? The reason I ask is you never know what he's telling people, he might be saying your some bitter twisted ex. Either way I think you should consider if these people are your real friends. When my ex left me I was dumped by all our friends as no one asked my side and when years later the truth emerged they all came back, only to find that door shut and bolted.
Good luck going forward and you will find the strength to carry on.

Thanks all. No, he wasn't convicted. I never reported him.

I think I'll have to think of a way to slowly and quietly end the friendships. I have mixed feelings about it all, they have otherwise been good friends! What a mess.

I'm toying with the idea of upping sticks and leaving the area altogether in the not too distant future.

My real friends all told ne he was no good when I met him, but of course , I didn't listen.

What an awful situation for you. Very different situation but a close friend of mine once presided over something awful happening to my child and tried to shirk responsibility. We were in a friendship group where the friends just kept seeing her despite fully knowing what happened. Many years later they still see her frequently. They always moan about her to me. I want to say just stop seeing her then and explain that actually the decisions they took long ago really hurt me. I never have though and I’m fairly sure I never will.