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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think friend has done a cruel thing to my son?

15 replies

Iffypiffy · 08/03/2022 10:16

I have had a school mum friend for the best part of 5 years. We are very good friends and our sons were always together - we've never had any problems.

Our DC have always had a bit of a sibling relationship due to the amount of time they spend together. They will have little fallings out but then 5 minutes later are best friends again.

Last week her child was told off by the teacher for hitting my child at school. My friend was very embarrassed and I think she was a bit put out that my child probably does similar things at other times but it goes unnoticed.

Anyway, it seems to have changed our relationship. She is still friendly towards me but it seems like she has told her son that he can't play with my son at school and yesterday she made an excuse not to walk home with us either.

Usually, I would say to my son to go and play with someone else but he struggles socially and her son and him have played together for the past 5 years. He now spends playtimes alone and I can't help but think how cruel it is for her to do that to him.

I also am doubting our own friendship because if she is knowingly telling her child to exclude my son...it just doesn't feel right.

I don't know what to say or do.

OP posts:
Erinyes · 08/03/2022 10:19

Focus on encouraging your son to find new people to play with, and talk to his teacher/playground supervisor about promoting that. Regardless of how things develop with your friend and her son, it’s risky to be so dependent on one friend.

Blanketpolicy · 08/03/2022 19:48

It is completely normal for school mum "friends" to be transient, even the ones that seem to be "real" friendships and last several years. They only last that long because the dc are friends.

If the dc are no longer friendly, for whatever reason, you need to encourage other friendships. If the other mum isn't keen to continue your friendship let it fade out on good terms, don't burn any bridges.

jacks11 · 08/03/2022 20:00

It’s hard to know, really. She might be being overprotective/just not like that her son is getting into trouble and blaming the wrong person. Or she might be acting on more reasonable grounds- maybe she feels they are bringing out the worst in each other, or mucking about/being silly- but as her son is getting into trouble (maybe this isn’t the first incident/there have been a few) she may feel it’s best they give each other a bit of space.

My other thought was to wonder if it’s true re her saying not to play with your son- it might be the excuse her son has given yours, when actually it’s down to him but he doesn’t want to say so?

It is hard when your child is struggling and you just want to fix it, but sometimes you just have to let it settle. As you are friends, could you just ask her?

MissAmbrosia · 08/03/2022 20:02

Didn't you post this earlier?

rainbowandglitter · 08/03/2022 20:07

You posted this earlier. Why have you posted again?

peboh · 08/03/2022 20:09

If my daughter was getting into trouble due to a certain friend, I would absolutely encourage her to take a step back and explore other friendships.
With school mum friends, the relationships will change as friendships change. That's just the way it is unfortunately, so you need to step back and just let the dust settle and see what happens in the future.

GreekGod · 08/03/2022 20:09

Being told off by teachers when your DC has done something wrong is the worst thing ever. i think she feels uncomfortable OP and she doesn't want her son to get into trouble again so she's avoiding you and maybe she even believes that their friendship is not good for her son as her own seems to get into trouble. Her son was told off and your son does the same thing but yet it was hers that was told off. Sorry OP but i don't blame her really and i am really sorry OP but its not your friends problem that your own son struggles socially and she hasn't actually done anything to your child when you say "how cruel it is for her to do that to him" - she is probably just trying to protect her own child.

hannahmontana00 · 08/03/2022 20:16

At the end of the day, they’re not siblings. They don’t have a “sibling relationship.” Beyond that, it doesn’t seem like they get along well.

The other mum is only doing what is right to protect her child. If he has already gotten in trouble for doing something once, it’s in her best interests to ensure it doesn’t happen again as it could escalate further. It doesn’t mean she told her child to purposely make sure your child is isolated at lunch, it could just be that she told her child to leave your child alone and unfortunately your child is completely reliant on her son.

I don’t think it’s super healthy for your child to only have one friend, it would be good for him to make more. I mean, can you be sure your son is even a good friend to this other child? Cause it really does seem dysfunctional

PatchworkElmer · 08/03/2022 20:17

I’m unwell at the moment and might be delirious but… didn’t you post this before?

givemeallthecheese · 08/03/2022 20:24

You're assuming she has told her son not to play with yours but you don't know this to be fact. Maybe her son just doesn't want to play with yours anymore, especially as he got in trouble before

gingerbiscuits · 08/03/2022 20:26

@Erinyes

Focus on encouraging your son to find new people to play with, and talk to his teacher/playground supervisor about promoting that. Regardless of how things develop with your friend and her son, it’s risky to be so dependent on one friend.
I agree! Maybe this is a good opportunity in disguise.
Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 08/03/2022 20:27

I don't think it's reasonable to expect the other child to 'babysit' yours. The friendship has to be wanted by both of the children and it sounds like there is sometimes ambivalence. The other mother appears to be trying to create a context where they can both form more healthy relationships. That may enable them to come back together as friends or it may not but it's really not cruel at all and to suggest it is maybe suggests that you are thinking just about your son's desires and not the other child's too. That can be natural as a parent but we also have to challenge ourselves when that sneaks in. You need to help your son try and develop some skills which will enable him to form other friendships and not expect her son to fill this gap.

WonderfulYou · 08/03/2022 20:31

If your kids are hitting each other then it’s only right they have some time apart.

slashlover · 08/03/2022 20:41

Maybe her son doesn't want to hang around with yours and more (hence the hitting), he is entitled to be friends with who he wants to.

Did the kids become friends first or were you and other mum friends so the kids had to spend time together?

What are are the kids?

liveforsummer · 09/03/2022 06:15

It's important for dc to not rely on one other child for friendship. I work in a school and it's quite an unhealthy dynamic especially for the quieter child although it's pretty rare for a child just to walk at about alone and I'd certainly notice and intervene. Kids can be mean and they do fall out regardless of any parent instruction. They need somewhere else to go. Also what happens when the friend goes on a term time holiday or has covid? You need to encourage and give your dc tools to expand their friendship group. It could well be the boy pulling back and mum is supporting him rather than telling him what to do. It's fine if he wishes to cool the friendship

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