To reduce FaceTime for DD

[bexxboo]

I posted yesterday asking advice about an emotionally abuse ex partner whom I have a 4 year old daughter with.
After some really good advice I'm going completely grey rock (again).

My question here is obviously he wants to FaceTime her still. How often is too often and what is a reasonable amount of time? He works away so sees her maybe once every fortnight. Is every evening acceptable? Bearing in mind he normally FaceTimes her 3-4 times per day...and if I don't answer he will call me.

Tonight I agreed to call at 7pm, however DD doesn't always want to as she is busy and will just run away from the camera...Also do I have to be in the same room? I normally would be sat with her but as I'm trying to limit communication to an absolute minimum is this a good idea ?

Thanks.

Why don’t you want to facilitate her relationship with her dad? Was he EA towards her or you?

I can’t say about frequency, but I would say that if she doesn’t want to talk she shouldn’t have to. I would be in the room but not sat next to her, so reading or cooking whatever.

That's what I was thinking but he has a go at me if I don't encourage her to speak with him or anything. I've said I can't force her to engage on a video call...

I think every day is too much. After I left my ex he used to ring every other day. My dd got bored and had nothing to say, he sees her eow and they now have a quick phone call once during the week, but my dd is now 14 (she was 6 when we split)

How old is your dd?

If your dd is already getting bored, I'd suggest he ft Monday, Wednesday and Friday and once during the weekend he doesn't see her. If she runs off during the call, simply say to him 'she's finished now, call again at x time on x day. Bye' and end the call

Can you email him and just say that dd is getting bored, so he can call at x time on x days.

As for being in the room, I would, so you know what's being said and when she runs off you can end the call, but do the call in the kitchen and you can stay behind the camera or just be cooking tea. Then when she's had enough you can say 'righto teas ready, say bye to dad and you'll speak to him on Wednesday'

It’s difficult because how much does a 4 year old want to talk? Imagine it’s only a few minutes before she’s disinterested?
He needs to ft less and prioritise actual
Time with her if he wants a relationship. I personally wouldn’t agree every evening - especially at 7 which is probably bedtime or near abouts

Every day too much IMO, every 2 or 3 days max.

2/3 times a day is way too much its invasive for one especially at four when you "need" to be there just put him on the kitchen table cook tea and don't engage if he kicks off say your busy cooking he needs to engage with her coercing her from a young age is not right he needs to understand even if you lived in the same household she still wouldn't engage in a meaningful way with him for long periods of time

ExH facetimes every night as per court order, but we do it straight after school so around 3.45 and it's usually only for 15 minutes, my DD is 7 and ExH was abusive and controlling.

The kids I nannied for used to have to do nightly phone calls with their Dad, they always wanted to walk off when the phone rang, had nothing to say. It was painful to witness. Kids hate stuff like that. When my DS is with his dad that is their time, I don’t call. When he is with me that is our time.

3-4 times per day is absurd. I'm guessing he wants to make his presence known rather than actually talk to her.

If I didn't have my children every day I would want to chat to them each evening.

Could you say he could emerald her a story, which would give it purpose!
But don't reply to anything directed to you.

Each time ask dd 'have you finished talking to daddy, if so say bye.'
Then just hang up.

If he texts just send the same response each time. Eg dd will answer a ft at 6:30pm on xday

3-4 times a day is ridiculous. You presumably have other shit to be getting in with. Could you let her FaceTime him in the evening as part of her bedtime routine? Doesn’t have to be for long, she’s 4, she’ll be tired etc, it’s a good way to give your child an “out” if she runs out of things to say. “Say goodnight to daddy” etc. I wouldn’t be in shot if you get me, and I wouldn’t speak to him while he’s FaceTiming her. Give him no attention. He speaks to her, she speaks to him, you stay close by but where you aren’t seen.

If he genuinely wants to see and speak to your child, he will continue. If he just wants to maintain control over your time (which let’s face it, is possible) he’ll get fed up of getting no attention from you.

DD was hard on the phone until she got to about 8 or 9. I used to call when away on business. I rang most days but only once and only for a few minutes. If she wasn’t bothered I’d just chat with my H at the time for a couple of minutes instead.

I think a couple of times a week is probably enough and 5 or 10 mins is the most she will manage. Might work if he read her a story at bedtime of an evening if you wanted to sort that out…

He definitely uses FaceTime as a form of control. For example if we are arguing on the phone he will say let me speak to my daughter quickly. Like I said he also calls me once or twice immediately after I've failed to answer a FaceTime.

Even when we are out doing things he expects us to stop whatever we are doing to video call.

If I don't engage with him he will text after saying why are you making it difficult for me to speak to my daughter.

He always needs a form of control, and because he works away the only form of control is through a phone.

Even when we are 'getting along' he will call me about 4-5 times per day. He got into a habit of immediately saying 'where are you' and 'who you with'?. He said it was to make conversation.

Get used to shutting the conversation down my ex did this my response was im stood here talking to you what do you need?

Texts asking why your stopping him talking to his child is his evidence you are alienating him respond with we are out we will call later or we dont have the ipad its the third time today im trying to get her to eat she is sleeping/busy/on the loo call you later in a dead zone not at home she is at a friend's house has a friend over no you can't face time her now we are busy talk you later

My ex would facetime every single night at the same time, would drive me insanse as I felt like we had to plan everything around it. He would even do it if he had seen dc a few hours before. He'd ask dc to show him the dog, the cat, toys etc.....turns out all he wanted to see was if there was a man in the house! Do you think that's a possible reason of the frequent calls? Fair enough wanting see and speak to your dc but sometimes children are too busy doing their own things and simply are too busy to talk and ofcourse they should be allowed to say that they don't want to talk at that particular time.

@PlainOldMe80
Definitely, it's really annoying. It's like he thinks all we do all day is sit by the phone. Even if he knows I'm out with DD he will want to 'say hello'.

DD has also started being mean to him. He offered to take her swimming on the weekend but she said no and that she wants me to come, she's also not very keen on staying the night sometimes. This has happened more so recently as she has witnessed the way he speaks to me. She's picking up on his hostile behaviour toward me, even though I have pleaded with him not to speak down to me in front of her. I will get the blame of course!

Also if she makes it clear she doesn't want to stay at his he will make a show of storming off in a bad mood. She actually said to me the other day 'I feel bad on daddy' because she didn't want to sleepover. He's guilt tripping a 4 year old.

@YouHaveYourFathersBreasts
Honestly that's not the worst of it. There have been a number of occasions where he is due to pick her up say at 5, and he would try to FaceTime her every hour while he was just lying on the sofa at his mums. He would also try to FaceTime even half an hour after dropping her off.
When I get a video call from her while she's with him, he is 9/10 lying on the same position on the sofa while she's climbing all over him bored.

Once a day max. She'll run out of things to say and hate it if he keeps forcing her.

[quote angusthongs]@PlainOldMe80
Definitely, it's really annoying. It's like he thinks all we do all day is sit by the phone. Even if he knows I'm out with DD he will want to 'say hello'.

DD has also started being mean to him. He offered to take her swimming on the weekend but she said no and that she wants me to come, she's also not very keen on staying the night sometimes. This has happened more so recently as she has witnessed the way he speaks to me. She's picking up on his hostile behaviour toward me, even though I have pleaded with him not to speak down to me in front of her. I will get the blame of course!

Also if she makes it clear she doesn't want to stay at his he will make a show of storming off in a bad mood. She actually said to me the other day 'I feel bad on daddy' because she didn't want to sleepover. He's guilt tripping a 4 year old. [/quote]
It's like I wrote that!

My ds was the exact same! There were a few times where he would say something along the lines of "I don't really want to go to dads but I need to go so he feels loved" I never once told him that so he must have got that of his dad. My ds would also notice the way his dad would speak to me and get really upset over it and several times tried to tell his dad not to be mean to me.

They're now no longer in contact.

I'd take your queues from your daughter, follow her lead. She's expressing not wanting to go and stay and she's witnessing how he treats you. He doesn't have to like you but he has to remain civil because he's got a heck of a long time to co-parent with you. I'm not an expert with FaceTime also I dont own an iPhone so never had to use it but surely twenty to thirty minutes every five maybe six days days won't hurt. And you have to stick to those guns, if he wants to throw a wobbly because you won't let him obsessively contact you then let him.

Set your boundaries and stick to them or he will try and bully and control you forever. Once a day at a suitable time and that's it. If he doesn't like it tough! He can apply to the court for a child contact order. You can always only agree to have contact with him via email only - no phone calls or text messages unless an emergency and relating to your dd.

I don't see the issue with 10 mins every evening if your daughter wants to speak to him.
However he needs to make it more interesting for her- read a story, challemge her to do a drawing to show him the next day etc etc.
I do think you should encourage her by helping her think of something to say. Most 4 year olds arr rubbish at calls.
I don't think you need to be onscreen, but I'd stay in the same room I think (because I'm nosey).
This is all based on him being abusive to you solely, and not towards her.