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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this behaviour acceptable?

25 replies

Highflow · 07/03/2022 18:00

Ds is 10 and dd is 7. Ds is overweight (we’re working on it) and very tall for his age. Dd is very slight. Ds is very boisterous and daily/hourly wrestles anyone he can…and it’s usually his sister. She loves it and giggles, till it gets out of hand as it always does because he gets too rough and takes it too far then it ends up in tears. He’ll start by sitting next to her on the sofa, then pushes his weight into her, then gets in her face, then pulls her off and wrestles her to the floor. She giggles. He then starts throwing her around more heavy handed, she bashes into something. The tears start.
As soon as ds starts with the behaviour I tell him to stop but dd says ‘I like it’ (till the tears come).
I get that he has to let off steam, but the wrestling things frustrates me so much and especially the size difference between them.
AIBU to tell them to stop, no wrestling going forward or just let them get on with it.
I really want it to stop, I’m not comfortable with the size difference and how boisterous he gets, but also realise he needs an outlet (he does do a couple of forest and sport clubs so his not at home bored all the time, this is say, when we’re at home waiting for dinner, or after a shower and chilling out before bed)

OP posts:

Idontevenknow · 07/03/2022 18:02

I would allow it but organise a word so that you're DD can shout this when it gets too much and your son knows to stop immediately at that point

BluebellsGreenbells · 07/03/2022 18:02

You need to advocate for your daughter and explain it isn’t ok.

If she wants attention from your DS then it needs to be something calmer they can play together nicely.

I would tell them no and mean it.

HereComesTheSum · 07/03/2022 18:03

Sounds like it would be a good idea to get him into wrestling or that sport that's like karate where they wrestle on the floor. Can't remember what it's called. Anyway. You're the parent - just tell them both no - keep saying it and mean it - when DD objects just say no no no. And thats it.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 07/03/2022 18:03

I am not a strict dm at all but wrestling until tears is a def no. My ds's had a boxing bag and gloves as did dd's actually!! Great way to let off steam at home. We have a bag hanging outside also. 2 of my ds's still do boxing as adults. Never violent at all. Hasn't made them thugs. In fact one is a very disciplined soldier...

DelilahBucket · 07/03/2022 18:04

Of course it needs to stop. He's bigger and older than her and he's hurting her every single time. Maybe he needs more physical activity in his life if you think he needs to "burn off steam" but he needs to learn that is not the way to do it. What are you teaching your son about how he lets his hair down by injuring his little sister? It is not going to bode well into adulthood if he thinks this is acceptable.

Cuddlemuffin · 07/03/2022 18:06

If it always ends in tears then it would be an absolute no from me.

PhoboPhobia · 07/03/2022 18:06

It doesn’t sit right for me. He’s bigger than her and neither of them know when to stop. I think you have to talk to them both about why this isn’t ok and find something else they can do together that doesn’t end in DD getting hurt.

Riverlee · 07/03/2022 18:08

You obviously feel the behaviour is unacceptable, or you wouldn’t be posting. Your ds doesn’t seem to know when he’s gone too far. I think it’s now time to put a stop to it, before someone gets hurt.

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 07/03/2022 18:08

No tell him to wrestle someone his own size/age

whysoserious123 · 07/03/2022 18:10

Ahh the joys of not being an only child

Chocolateatweekends · 07/03/2022 18:10

I think this is one of my few absolute line in the sand rules - no fighting, even play fighting.

Geppili · 07/03/2022 18:10

He needs a physical challenge. Do you have a trampoline?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/03/2022 18:12

Obviously this needs to stop. I hate this roughhousing, boys will be boys bullshit. He is repeatedly hurting his sister. It stops now.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 07/03/2022 18:14

That’s be an absolute NO from me from now on.

It isn’t fun or funny for you; it always ends in tears (the smaller female one’s); and you’re sick of refereeing an unnecessary fight.

They need a boundary from you.

AutmnalZymn · 07/03/2022 18:17

I had 4 older brothers and I liked wrestling with them but we had one rule - when I tapped out it was over. They stopped and I was out.

It was fun wrestling with them, they were all bigger than me and I learned to stop it before it got too much for me. I didn’t always have to tap out (I had a word I would yell) sometimes we would just tire out.

SamphiretheStickerist · 07/03/2022 18:19

Arrange an agreed "Tap Out" so they can both enjoy it without her getting hurt. That way they both learn about boundaries whilst still having fun.

Ginandcrispsarebliss · 07/03/2022 18:29

This has bought back memories for me when my Sister and Brother were small. I am alot older them then and it was all the rage with the America WW wrestling. My Bother loved wrestling with my sister. The same happened, laughs and then tears because it went to far. One day, my Brother was being a pain, wouldn't stop and my sister punched him and broke his nose. No more wrestling. They are both in their thirties.

Original poster

Highflow · 07/03/2022 18:29

Thank you all for your quick replies.
I was an only child growing up, with older parents so don’t have much family around me now so don’t have much experience in this or anyone to bounce ideas off. I do ask friends for advise but I think they get a bit bored of it as ds has always been ‘challenging’ so there’s a lot of asking. I get a bit embarrassed too.

Most of you saying how I feel.. it needs to stop.
Just feels like another no/sanction to ds, as I’ve said quite challenging so there’s a lot of no’s!!
I’ve offered for him to go to organised wrestling but of course he has said no, happy to do it to other people but doesn’t want it done to him.
Yes, we have a trampoline but it just happens out there too… it’s basically when he is bored.
I’m going to have a chat with them now, that going forward there is not going to be any wrestling and they will both go to their separate rooms the minute it starts until they learn (dd can be just as bad sometimes at encouraging it)

OP posts:

justsippingsometea · 07/03/2022 18:39

Try him at Jujitsu!

He'll learn his own strength and when to stop.

HereComesSpringAgain · 07/03/2022 18:41

does he do this with his friends?

Original poster

Highflow · 07/03/2022 18:46

Herecomesspring, yes he does. He is the biggest out of his friends.
Justsippingtea, I’ve offered that but he said no. Although he hasn’t said, I think he won’t do it because he knows there will be bigger people than him.

OP posts:

iPaddy · 07/03/2022 18:46

@DelilahBucket

Perfect post. He needs to stop.

canonlydoblue · 07/03/2022 18:47

He needs judo!

Harridan1981 · 07/03/2022 18:51

He's 10. Barring additional needs he is way old enough to understand that he is far bigger than his sister and should not be wrestling her. It isn't appropriate, bored or not.

Dilbertian · 07/03/2022 18:53

As the younger sister in this scenario, I say stop it now.

Don't even let the playfighting start. She may be saying she enjoys it purely out of the desire to appear cool to her brother.

He is only going to get stronger and he will naturally enjoy exercising that strength. It is not his little sister's job to make him feel good.

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