Anyone else feel intimidated by male colleagues?

[WifeMotherWorkRepeat]

I just wanted to have everyone’s views and experiences of working with men in a professional capacity…

I work in a very male dominated industry in a company of 2000+ global employees where the more admin based roles are filled by women but the senior department head positions are primarily held by men. I work full time and am a manager with a team of 8 people, I have been in this business for over 20 years and a manger for over 10 years with perpetually high performance ratings. I’m a subject matter expert in my field however the majority of meetings I attend alongside other managers (Legal, Finance, Sourcing, Logistics, Sales etc.) I am the only woman and am made to feel inadequate and that my contribution is valued below that of my male peers. During meetings my male colleagues are generally more aggressive and confident and just talk themselves up! If I present my view or make a comment based on facts the responses are diluted in comparison to the virtual high fives, nods of agreement and back slapping my male counterparts get after they have waffled on aimlessly! It’s like they are trying to outdo each other constantly then positively reinforce each other’s contribution; “excellent point Geoff”/ “super Dan thanks for that” / “great comment James” etc etc.
Over the years I just feel worn down and come away from meetings with my confidence eroded a little bit more. Does anyone have similar experiences?

YABU - no I’ve never experienced this or I have had similar experiences at work but with female managers and colleagues.
YANBU - I have had similar experiences at work with male managers and colleagues.

Also it’s International Women's Day tomorrow so any practical advice for professional women on overcoming bias in the workplace would be welcome.

I'm not going to say YABU because that's clearly your experience. What I would say as a woman in my late 50s in a professional environment is that I am confident enough in my own capabilities to not be intimidated by anyone.

By the sound of it so should you be. You sound great. 20 years experience, 10 years in management. Who gives a shit if some silly men are too dim to realise that you are expert in your field? Why do you need validation from them?

Don't allow yourself to walk away feeling deflated. You should never let anyone who does not appreciate your value tell you how little you are worth.

I'm fortunate not to work with wankers - but occasionally you come across a prat like this and it mildly amuses me more than anything else. I don't need praise from idiots like this to know I'm good at my job.

OP, in my experience, women get more confidence and gravitas as they get older. Men can no longer easily mentally dismiss them as inexperienced little dolly birds, and by asserting yourself calmly and confidently, you can earn respect.
In my own field as a hospital doctor, my male anaesthetic colleagues were intimidated by a loudmouthed male surgeon who was insisting on a potentially dangerous practice in theatre. I discovered later that they had huddled together and decided “Wait til Babdoc gets hold of him, she’ll deal with him!”
Which I did. I took him privately into the scrub room, fixed him with my autistic glare and told him he was never going to do that again. He crumbled!
You need to believe in yourself, fake it til you make it, behave with authority and expect to command respect. As I think Nixon said “Once you have them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow…”

Nope
It’s the other way around usually

Not in the slightest!! I'm in a global company pharma company and pretty much all of the management and seniors in my department are female, a lot of departments have a 50:50 balance. But no I don't feel intimidated by any males in there...not even the site head!! We are all only human!!

That hasn't been my experience. However what has been my experience is that extroverts tend to get ahead regardless whether they have the skills to back up their confidence.

No, I’m only ever intimidated by female colleagues. I work much better with men for some reason.

OP, it could be that they’re intimidated by you if they feel the need to big themselves up to that degree. Sounds really tedious, I can see how it could get you down.

I know exactly what you mean OP. I worked in construction, in construction training management, and also taught teenage boys from pupil referral units. It's a constant battle sometimes.

However I did learn to just let them on with it and just compete on the important stuff. Learnt who to listen to in terms of not spending my time on stuff that didn't matter, and to build a team that basically trounced everyone else's in terms of targets. Once you are known for cutting out the bullshit through to the important stuff, it makes it much easier to argue when it is needed. Get to know what it is you are there to do, and let the willy wavers get on with it.

Once your team is top of whatever leader board there is, they start realising there's something in what you do and how you do it.

I was musing this today as i can be a sufferer of imposter syndrome but am getting a lot better. I work with a lot of males and was musing today during a meeting "oh to have the confidence of a mediocre white male". Women are their parents own worst nightmare enemies at this kind of thing sometimes.

@SarahProblem

That hasn't been my experience. However what has been my experience is that extroverts tend to get ahead regardless whether they have the skills to back up their confidence.

Boom. Not yet a page in and someone had found a hook to pivot to extrovert bashing. I claim my prize.

I'm with you, OP. One of my deepest hates is the way, when I make a suggestion the men at work like, one of them immediately repeats it and gets the credit! Happens every single time!

OP I think this might be company specific. I mean obviously this sort of problem is well known and definitely exists but in my experience the company you work for makes a difference. If the company has a shit culture then men like these get hired in the masses but there are places out there that don't have as much of a shitty culture and therefore you're not surrounded by arrogant men. Trouble is it's hard to know how rife this culture is in a company without working there. But I've experienced these sort of men to different degrees throughout my career and the only changing factor is the company I've worked for at the time.

I don't think you're unreasonable for feeling this way because this is how you feel and your experience of where you work. I work in care with mostly female colleagues so my experience will naturally be different to yours.

I have had some experiences of being intimidated by males at work but in very different circumstances. I had a male colleague once who wanted to have sex with me and I rejected him, so he went out of his way to make me uncomfortable at work whenever we were on shift together. But my complaints were taken seriously by (female) management and he was dealt with.

More recently I have worked under a very intimidating woman, she is very senior where I worked. She hates women however and thinks she is one of those cool girls that's not like other girls, if you catch my drift. She bullies all the female staff, discriminates against them even, so there have been tribunals against the company because of her. But she's like a different person around men, very giggly and praising the tiniest bit of work they do, and she always promotes the men. So basically, the same old misogyny but just internalised by a woman. It's very sad.

It's not my experience, but then I work in a quite female-led industry where the men tend to be geeky/introverted so there's no 'alpha male' stuff going on! I'm sure it's very different in other fields.

I am personally intimidated by men even when they don't mean to, which is an issue of mine. There is also a male individual at work who is ludicrously unpleasant to work under and I will avoid at all costs. In his case he's awful to everyone without discrimination, though I would argue he's slightly more dismissive to women and slightly more aggressive to men. I have few specific examples though. I've had colleagues who have refused to go for promotion because he's such an unpleasant interviewer. Urgh. Hope he retires before I do.

I worked for a long time in a male dominated environment, and one thing I figured out early on was that men seemed to have a somewhat different communication style than women, or at least than I did. Whereas I tended to say things like "it seems to me" or would speak in a more collaborative way, a lot of the men spoke as if they were extremely sure of themselves, even when I knew that in fact they weren't.

Once I realized this, it was fairly easy to adapt my own style to get things across in the way I wanted more effectively. That didn't mean just talking like the men, because I think there is value in other approaches, but I was better able to avoid undermining my own ideas by seeming less knowledgeable and able than I really was, and I could interact more effectively without taking stuff personally.

It also helped to know that there wasn't some secret knowledge that I was lacking that these guys all had.

Thank you all for your comments and sharing your stories. I will take onboard some of the suggestions and approach meetings differently and with more confidence. It’s terrible that any of us have these shared experiences but I know the work environment is constantly evolving and is better than it was even 10 years ago. Some companies still have a lot to do in terms of culture and equality!!

Happy International Women’s day!

I'm not at your workplace, so some of ... or none of the following may be true:

As mentioned above, is your choice of language give every indication that you might not be right ?
"It think that might cause..." vs "This is what will happen....".

"I'm clarifying the numbers with dept X as I am not sure they are right" vs "Dept X are not giving me the right numbers"
Maybe take a min to look more carefully at their choice of words.

Do you join in the virtual high fives at the same frequency and volume ? If not, that might be why you don't receive them.

Has there been any sexual misconduct within the organisation ? If so, this might mean they are more wary about speaking to you.

Do you tell them you did great work ? "Thankfully I noticed the issue, spoke to the customer and I resolved the supply chain failure." or do you downplay your successes.

YANBU. I’m having the same experience at my current company. Meetings are very testosterone fuelled, shouty, lots of criticisms, mansplaining of things I explain and add to the meeting. I do get along with my male colleagues otherwise. So I asked them individually for an honest opinion on how they saw the situation i.e. normal, stressful, male oriented etc. It was interesting to hear that they thought meetings went well and my contribution was very good. That was not my perception at all. At a previous company my colleagues male or female didn’t behave in the same way. Conversations were much more fluid, respectful and calm. I think companies should ideally aim for a balanced male/ female mix. Too many gents - hire my university buddy style- causes a certain environment. Too many women causes a equally unbalanced environment. Ultimately, we all want to feel safe and happy in our working environment in order to be productive. I recommend speaking to senior management and initiating some diversity drinks, all in a positively phrased way of course. Good for the company etc.