Is my marriage over?

[User112]

I had huge inlaws issues and DH was deaf and blind to all the manipulation, harassment, abuse, insults for years. My mil is a textbook narc, extremely jealous and overbearing. On top of that, SIL2 is insecure and has to constantly put down other people to make up for it. years of being at the receiving end of this, and living with a husband who took their side or justified their behaviour, I am beginning to see how much it has damaged me and our marriage. About 3 yrs ago, DH started to started seeing their shit and standing up for me a tiny bit. It was tbh too little too late.

My confidence suffered, we had countless arguments etc. My career suffered, my kids suffered. I moved into a separate room, Now I’ve gone no-contact with MIL, FIL and SIL2. BIL (Dh’s brother) tried flying monkeys job, I told him no.
DH doesn’t talk much to mil/SIL2 these days, we just talk to SIL1. She is like DH. A nice person overall and doesn’t get involved in bs. Sits on the fence for peacekeeping.

Mil doesn’t have the opportunity to shit stir anymore because I am NC and SIL2 is being shut down instantly (she moans we have a problem with anything she says. Tbh, she is heavily controlled by mil and can’t see anything or think on her own)

Last year, I moved out of our bedroom to sleep in DDs room when she was poorly. I later moved into the spare room. I really don’t think I can move back in with DH. He let his family attack me for years, justified their shit, hardly ever stood up for me, told them our secrets. I’m struggling to forgive him for ruining my life. However, we married young (mid 20s), he was perhaps immature, blinded because he was raised to believe all that is normal. I don’t know.

It doesn’t happen anymore. Not because he is standing up for me, it’s because I lo longer speak to them. It’s extremely disappointing he doesn’t have my back. They have no respect for me, feel entitled to service and openly treat their daughter’s partners WAYYY better than how they treat me. DH has ZERO problems with any of this. How!!??

On the positive side, we are a fab team. He is a loving dad, doesn’t resist when I don’t send kids to see his folks (no judgement please. I don’t trust them to not brainwash my kids against me. SIL2 is mean to my kids). He is a loving person, a true partner and a companion in every other way.

He just lets me down big time when his family are around. I’m unable to think past it. I don’t know

Yes, you do know. It's dead. Now there's only the clearing up to do. Don't agonise, just deal with it.

Counselling. I'm married a good few years and got married early 20s. We have accessed relationship counselling 2 times. When we were deciding whether to stay together we had separate counselling for several sessions then joint. It's really helped me feel heard and changed dh attitude and allowed me to see I'd become so defensive. The second time a few years later was because we lost the ability to be a couple after having small children and needed to see each other again as people not parents.

I think another benefit to counselling would have been if we decided to spilt they offered counselling while going through it. Friends did this and it did stop much of the blaming. Friend said if she hadnt been through counselling with her ex she felt her ex would hav played the 'this is so sudden and out of the blue card' and 'I just dont understand why' scenarios.

we are a fab team. He is a loving dad, [...] a loving person, a true partner and a companion in every other way.

And presumably your children would be hurt if you split up.

That's a lot to give up. It's worth an attempt to save it.

@ThatLibraryMiss exactly. If we split, Kids, DH, my parents would all be heartbroken, and tbh, leaving won’t help me anyway. I have no energy, intention or the time to pursue another relationship.

Mil and sil2 will be delighted. They’ll convince DH in no time to move in with MIL so they can have access to his money and use him to their own benefit. They will also have access to my kids to brainwash them against me and SIL2 can be really mean to them without any consequences.

So us staying married is in everyone’s best interests (mine too perhaps)

I don't have any advice but I have recently went no contact with all of my in-laws (the perfect mix of toxic people and fence sitters that stay quiet or agree for quiet life). It's difficult when your husband has grown up around these people - they see it as normal. I'm also trying to limit the damage to my children and I can completely understand why you have kept them away. I have kept any nastiness away from them but they would think twice about poisoning them against me. Only you can decide but it's hard to look at someone who has sat back for a long time and not said anything.

It’s hard to get DH to stand up to his folks. We had those conversations over and over, I think they threaten to abandon him if he stands up. He is not a timid person. He becomes one when they are around. They are already extremely disappointed in him for even letting me go NC with them. The children! That’s honestly a very big step for him and he came very far from where we began.
However, he should have done the NC thing himself did us to protect me and the kids. He expected me to put up with BS, submit and let them do what their please with our lives.

OP,

Your husband is in a fog and has chosen to protect himself first.

That is who he is.
He wants an easy life.
I can well understand a marriage dying amidst all of that.

However, he has good qualities and it sounds like it suits you to stay married in many ways.

I think you need to suit yourself 100%.

Keep your children away from his family.
Let that be a complete non negotiable.

Could you move further away?
Would that suit you?

If not, make it clear to your husband, his family do not come near your home under ANY circumstances.

If he wants to see them it is not near your home.
Focus on your career and your life outside of your family and marriage.

As the children grow without his family near them, they will be safer.

Do whatever you have to do to make your life bearable, just as your husband has done.

Counselling would be good for you separately and together so as you both know where you stand.

Just stand firm in your non negotiables regarding his family.

Coming from a family like that causes such a lot of damage. I wouldn't end the relationship with your husband over this, but I would hold firm and not let the kids visit. Basically I'd act as though his family didn't exist.

@User112

It’s hard to get DH to stand up to his folks. We had those conversations over and over, I think they threaten to abandon him if he stands up. He is not a timid person. He becomes one when they are around. They are already extremely disappointed in him for even letting me go NC with them. The children! That’s honestly a very big step for him and he came very far from where we began. However, he should have done the NC thing himself did us to protect me and the kids. He expected me to put up with BS, submit and let them do what their please with our lives.

My own family was exactly like your DHs family.

It is very hard to "see" the dysfunction because you normalise it over your childhood years. The only reason he has broken out of the dysfunction is because you provided an external point of view.

I went complete NC once I saw the writing on the wall after I got married: the comments, the exclusions, the criricisms, the humilliations. This is all designed to grind you down for their own benefit (they think this way. You have to be down for them to be up).

Non-dysfunctional empathetic people always try to "right the ship" because they see that the behaviors are totally unhealthy. This cycle can continue for years damaging you, while providing thick fodder for the dysfuncational family members (they feed off this).

You 100% did the right thing by going NC, but don't beat up your DH so much as he grew up his whole life like this. For him, their behavior was "normal".

Agree with previous posters that you need counselling, in order to move forward as a family.

Thats the important bit here: as a family.

If your DH can do that, I think that is a good reason for staying together and him prioritising you and the kids. His family of origin can then go pound sand.

Access to kids and me is non-negotiable. He isn’t isnt even asking/negotiating. I think he knows how toxic they are, he just won’t acknowledge it.

@billy1966 @hollowtalk thank you. That’s exactly what I’d like to do. I’m just very sad about not being in love. Being heartbroken.

@StopStartStop

Yes, you do know. It's dead. Now there's only the clearing up to do. Don't agonise, just deal with it.

you literally don't even know this person. What a weird comment and description.

@BambinaJAS thanks for sharing your story. What you said is 100% true. I should have looked after myself and gone NC years ago. The difference in my mental health is like day and night! They thrive on shit stirring , now that they don’t have easy target, they are putting pressure on DH to force me to end NC.

You’ve gone no contact, the next step would be counselling togather and separately. My family sounds very similar to his family, so he’s grown up with a highly, critical, meddling mother and a father who enables her all the time. Even as an adult it’s so easy to be intimidated by these kind of parents. You are conditioned all your life to be submissive to their demands, tantrums, threats. Your husband is probably messed up because of this. Counselling for him could be the first step out of the fog, the first truthful opportunity to see how very damaging his family have been to him, you, your kids - your entire life as a family! And this in turn could bring you closer.

You sound like you love him very much. Keep away from that shit family, you owe them nothing, and start by going to counselling. I wish you all the best.

If only to keep mil at bay I would try anything to save my marriage!
My dh went nc with his dm after a fraught relationship that was only just restarting. Tbh I doubt she anticipated he would meet someone who had his back... Your dh has been in that fog a long time. Maybe a professional could help him walk away.

It sounds like your DH would benefit from a lot of therapy. I know it must be disappointing that he didn't stick up for you but he's had his whole life being trained to be who he is with them, that doesn't change without a lot of work. You've come in, seen the bullshit and still had years of it before you cut them off.

It sounds like you have a good marriage otherwise so I'd look into couple's counselling alongside therapy for him individually.

I don’t know what I feel about DH, I’m all over the place. I deeply love him, but I’m angry for all the letting me down, I feel sorry for him, I sometimes have zero feelings for him. Resentment.

It sounds like it’s over, but counselling will help you both negotiate a split and hopefully remain amicable to co-parent in the future.

For there to be any hope of reconciliation he still has a shit ton of work to do on himself and I’m not sure people can fundamentally change that much. It’s also ok not to want to make it work, do you love him? Are you still sexually attracted to him after the time sleeping apart?

I know I’d have the ick from years of a partner not having the balls/ability/emotional intelligence to stick up for me.

To be honest, I think you're being a bit dramatic. You and your DC don't see your in laws, so what is the problem? You're a grown woman and you could have done this much earlier rather than suffer through it. Your DH has grown up with these people and loves them in spite of their insane behaviour. It is always going to be much harder for him to cut all ties completely. It has most likely been drummed into him to comply since childhood.

He's doing what he has always done, which is avoiding conflict. He must be very used to seeing MIL get into arguments and cause drama while growing up and this will feel no different. If it were my DH, then I would just let him crack on. He may go NC himself one day or he may not. Can't you imagine how hard it must be to cut off your own mother entirely?

This is coming from someone with a toxic, selfish mother. I keep her at arms length but I just don't feel able to cut her off entirely. I see how it would impact on my whole family.

I don't know why people do this to other people. I mean everyone ends up getting hurt.

For a moment I felt like you described my in-laws and dh . In a pretty similar situation since past two yrs . Dh has finally started standing up but is afraid that his parents will stop contact . They haven't called dh in many months so a part of me feels bad for dh .

I am tried of confronting but there are so many things I wish I had done differently with regards to dealing with inlaws. The biggest regret I have is that I felt they would understand me. My mil is very manipulative and can make you feel shitty about yourself. My mental health has gone for a toss . We feel left out and lonely most of the time .

I am not ready to take any drastic steps as it will make the situation worse. Maintaining relationship with inlaws is very draining, we only talk on birthdays and that too an awkward formal talk. I feel broken as I am unable to accept that all this is happening to me.

Yst dh got upset about something and then blurted out that he is a bad son, this is exactly what I was worried about. Dh blaming himself for their shortcomings. It's affecting our health now. His parents are the worst kind of human being s I have ever met. They are least bothered by dh not talking to them. It's really sad. ...

Just to clarify, I never stopped DH from visiting his folks. He goes there every other week for an evening. Just that I can imagine what goes on there. They’ll bitch about me and DH won’t say a word. I have a nagging feeling he’ll agree with them to keep them happy. It’s just a thought I have with no evidence, but it is highly likely. Breaks my heart everytime he visits them.

@Aquabluey are we married to the same man!!??? 🤣🤣🤣 I totally get that “bad son” bit! They do it all the time and they are constantly disappointed with him.

OP,
I can completely understand your love dying for someone you know deep down, is sitting through a character assassination every other week.

I wouldn't be able to look at them.

I don't believe you love him deeply any more.

I think you are grieving how you once loved him.
You know longer wish to share a bed with him and that is key, irrespective of sex, you actually don't want even the vaguest intimacy with him.

Of course you are sad, but he chooses to visit people every other week that are awful to and about you.

He has made his choice and it isn't you.

If he deeply loved you, he could not sit with them.

Also I think they aren't getting enough drama out of him and want more ugliness in their lives, hence they want more contact.

I may be harsh here, but I would be utterly ruthless with your husband and not entertain him, what they want in ANY.

He may be a nice, weak, disloyal man but you don't owe him anything.

100% suit yourself.

Don't give an inch.

I would suggest you look outside your marriage for comfort if you wish.(I know that won't be a popular position 😂)

You are sacificing enough.

His family and his actions have killed your marriage but it probably is best you stay together to protect your children.

In essence, do what you have to do to make it bearable.

Career, friends, sport, hobbies...explore them all.

OP are you able to get marriage counselling with him? Make him see how his inability to put his wife and children first is costing him? He needs to know this. And perhaps you could save your marriage with therapy and hard work, and come out of this stronger.